her,,, expolde

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  • lilypad [she/her, null/void]
    ·
    edit-2
    3 months ago
    spoiler

    I had the same kind of anxieties. I had my vial of estrogen for about a month before I finally did my first shot. It was really difficult and I struggled to get through those anxieties. I dont really have any advice, at the end I kinda just said to myself "fuck it, if I have regrets Ill get a mastectomy", but I do want to reassure that youre not the only one who has this anxiety meow-hug

    brain, why

    my own experience and thoughts, not neccessarily relevant but perhaps useful? cw dysphoria, drinking, SI

    Imo because its huge, at least, it was for me. I agonized and ruminated for so long before beginning medical transition. I was so scared because it meant throwing away so much that, while it was holding me down in a horrible dysphoric way, was also comfortable. I was able to function as a man, granted a man who drank most days and didnt want to live and was probably going to die soon, but for a long time it was easier to do that than exist publicly (instead of just privately as I had up until that point) as an inherrently subversive being; it was easier than facing the societal punishment for discarding manhood; it was easier than confronting my own fears that transition wouldn't address all my dysphoria (still super insecure about my tiny breasts, and occasionally dysphoric about them tbh); it was easier because it meant not doing the work, because the work is hard and it doesnt pull its punches.