her,,, expolde

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  • yewler [she/her]
    ·
    2 months ago

    Update: I can't believe I actually did it. My anxious ass actually went and did it. I came out to my boss and she was suuuuper accepting and wonderful

      • yewler [she/her]
        ·
        2 months ago

        I know! She said that the department has had trans GAs in the past and have been super supportive.

      • yewler [she/her]
        ·
        2 months ago

        Yeah! I worry that I'm going too fast and not giving myself processing time, but at the same time, I want to be myself so bad, after living into my 20s as a faker. I'm convinced at this point that those feelings of faking root themselves in being trans, and I want so desperately to stop pretending. I'm sick of feeling like an empty shell of a human.

        I realized that my biggest fear in this whole thing isn't transphobes. It isn't my family. It's not being wrong. My biggest fear is living my whole life as someone I'm not, and I decided I'm not letting that happen, and I don't want to waste another second. I'm almost certain I won't want to detransition, but I always have that option.

        I recognize I'm getting into rant territory, but you know what, I've started and I can't stop lol. I already feel my confidence in myself improving. I wake up in the morning feeling a new kind of way, just having this knowledge about myself. I look into the mirror and I still look the same way, but I can actually tell myself I love myself, for probably the first time ever. I've been having my friends call me a new name. It started as an experiment, but god damn I already feel so much more connected to it than the name I lived with for 2 and a half decades, which is ridiculous as I'm someone who struggles with change. It's started to feel actively weird when my students, for example, call me Mr. [last name]. I know they're literally just words, but the words she and her feel so personal to me in a way I've never felt towards he or him. I'm basically addicted to seeing myself in this new way and I want nothing more than to let it out. It feels so good and brings me so much happiness to realize that I can be whoever the fuck I want to be.

        It will probably be a while before I'm able to talk to my parents, but I feel like my job is a nice little safe space of open minded and accepting people.

        • ashinadash [she/her]
          ·
          2 months ago

          Good rant, thank u for ranting. I have no concerns about you from what I've seen and am seeing tbh. You worry about not giving yourself processing time, but I don't. Your logic looks rock solid to me, this is making you feel good and live good. If you're afraid of living as someone you aren't, transition is the best thing to do about it, and yeah, worst case you can just stop.

          You're going a lot faster than a lot of people I see, but honestly uncritical support. Recently I'm seeing a lot of people do things pretty fast, like SnowySkyes, and I think it's great. Don't let anyone put dumb dents in this new confidence you have, do what makes you feel good.

          Just make sure to keep us posted ✨

          • yewler [she/her]
            ·
            2 months ago

            I will keep you all posted :) I love posting here. And honestly thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm a little self conscious about my speed, but it helped me out a good deal reading your post.

            • ashinadash [she/her]
              ·
              2 months ago

              Yw! I think it's only so unusual because of transphobic systems. If hrt were freely accessible and social transition did not carry potential risks, I think people would speedrun it all the time, and tbh I greatly respect your determination. Reminds me of myself cat-trans

              • yewler [she/her]
                ·
                2 months ago

                I owe my speenrun ability to the megathread, straight up. I can guarantee I wouldn't be where I am without the wonderful words of wisdom of the based-ass trans people on this website.

                • ashinadash [she/her]
                  ·
                  2 months ago

                  I have noticed both broadly and in the mega, the more information and knowledge gets spread, the earlier and faster people realise they are trans :3 which slaps tbh.

                  • yewler [she/her]
                    ·
                    2 months ago

                    It does slap. I only wish I had access to this kind of information as a youngin'. Though maybe it was for the best that I started figuring this stuff out after I had already moved out of my parents' house.

                    • ashinadash [she/her]
                      ·
                      2 months ago

                      The best time to have transitioned is when you do it meow-petted it does help to be away from parents tho yeah.

    • magi [null/void]M
      ·
      2 months ago

      Congratulations, big step and glad it went well for you! cat-trans