her,,, expolde

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  • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
    ·
    4 months ago

    i read this a while back https://emergentdivergence.com/2023/06/06/what-is-meerkat-mode-and-how-does-it-relate-to-audhd/

    when I am at work i spent most of my time like this because i have so many people to deal with, i can't engage with things very deeply and i was feeling bad about it for a while. if i'm afraid i'm going to be interrupted (fuck Slack) then i won't be able to sink into that deep focus that i need to be productive, so i mostly stay on the surface except in rare situations.

    it sucks tbh i miss writing code

    edit: actually reading this again I think a better descriptor for my daily life is what Annie Kotowicz calls "flexible mode" i'll add a quote in a minute

    edit 2: added quote from "What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic" by Annie Kotowicz (highly recommended, short-ish book imo)

    I feel like my brain has two settings, which I call “flexible mode” and “safe mode.” I can usually choose which one I want to be in, though it takes some time to switch back and forth. Both have pros and cons.

    Flexible mode means I’m prepared for surprises and interruptions. I know they can come at any moment, so I stay alert. And when they happen, I can handle them. Safe mode means I’m able to focus, without fear of interruption. I feel protected, because I know that if I begin a complex thought process, it won’t get cut off.

    The problem with flexible mode is that it doesn’t allow me to think very deeply, or do the kind of work I find most meaningful. It also takes a lot of energy, and creates physical tension in my body. The problem with safe mode is that it makes me more vulnerable. If something breaks my concentration, it’s extra upsetting, and it makes me lose my ability to think and speak clearly.

    I feel calmest and happiest in safe mode, but most of the time it isn’t worth the risk. Even though flexible mode is harder, it isn’t nearly as hard as suddenly being thrust out of safe mode by an interruption. Everything feels easier if I’m ready for it, but the hard part is remaining ready.

    • WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them]@lemmy.today
      ·
      4 months ago

      when I am at work i spent most of my time like this because i have so many people to deal with, i can’t engage with things very deeply and i was feeling bad about it for a while. if i’m afraid i’m going to be interrupted (fuck Slack) then i won’t be able to sink into that deep focus that i need to be productive, so i mostly stay on the surface except in rare situations.

      Have one task for work I do most months and it requires several hours and lots of cross-checking things and I can only meaningfully do it if in a more focus-mode. Which usually means I choose a single night and stay up really late working on it at home. Usually I work evenings, except during the summer, so its not an issue if I stay up til 6am. Except I'm also expected to do it right at the end of my summer schedule before transiting back to evening schedule... which means I just blow it off and do it late every year.