(i ripped this off wikipedia real fast so sorry if it's lib)
In October 1776, the Public Universal Friend contracted an epidemic disease and was bedridden and near death with a high fever. Their family summoned a doctor from Attleboro, six miles away, and neighbors kept up a death-watch at night. The fever broke after several days. The Friend later reported that [deadname redacted] had died, receiving revelations from God through two archangels who proclaimed there was "Room, Room, Room, in the many Mansions of eternal glory for Thee and for everyone". The Friend further said that [deadname redacted]'s soul had ascended to heaven and the body had been reanimated with a new spirit charged by God with preaching his word, that of the "Publick Universal Friend", describing that name in the words of Isaiah 62:2 as "a new name which the mouth of the Lord hath named".
From that time on, the Friend refused to answer to their deadname, ignoring or chastising those who insisted on using it. When visitors asked if it was the name of the person they were addressing, the Friend simply quoted Luke 23:3 ("thou sayest it"). Identifying as neither male nor female, the Friend asked not to be referred to with gendered pronouns. Followers respected these wishes; they referred only to "the Public Universal Friend" or short forms such as "the Friend" or "P.U.F.", and many avoided gender-specific pronouns even in private diaries. When someone asked if the Friend was male or female, the preacher replied "I am that I am", saying the same thing to a man who criticized the Friend's manner of dress (adding, in the latter case, "there is nothing indecent or improper in my dress or appearance; I am not accountable to mortals").
editorial note: I think this is a very cool story and I really love hearing it. We've been around forever and we've been doing variations of this forever. It's really beautiful
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they/theming transfems
I keep getting they/them'd by people who know I prefer she/her. And I mean honestly I vibe with they/them and might set them as secondary pronouns on this site. But it would be nice to be she/her'd at least once in a while, considering that's how I ask to be referred to as.
I get that I'm mostly masc presenting right now, but I really shouldn't have to earn the right to be she/her'd. It really feels like they're saying "it feels weird to call this man she, but I can compromise with a they so that he doesn't get on my case about it."
Even though I like they/them pronouns, it's starting to feel very tiring and invalidating considering the relative frequency.
This happens to me when, after a period of time exclusively using she/her to refer to me, they will start start they/themming me only AFTER I bring up that I'm trans... At least it shows me real quick that those people are fuck ups that I don't need to waste time on.
!!! That is bonkers. I can't fathom thinking that's acceptable
i'm sorry you're going through it. you don't deserve that at all.
personal experience: this happened to me for about half a year with people in real life. i think they are so terrified of saying the wrong one they default to what they assume is the right one, which is actually the wrong one
My honest reaction to cissies doing degendering:
Thankful I've not run into this (my cissies are too boring) else I'd have to fight people.
I wish my cissies were boring
I wish we didn't have cissies
I agree. I've grown less allergic to getting they / themed over the years, i understand when it is used by people who do not know my pronouns, i stick to using gender-neutral language whenever i'm talking in general or about people i don't know the pronouns of, but when you state your pronouns are she / her, that's not optional. People have to stick to your pronouns if they want to treat you with just the barest minimum of respect, and when these pronouns do not include they / them, you do not use they / them.
The problem is that people who do not respect pronouns in my experience do not get better on their own. You have to keep reminding them, in some cases that's enough, in some cases you need to escalate things and shame or ridicule them or make a scene to drive the point home that they're hurting you. What of this is appropriate depends on the people and the context, but when you never correct people misgendering you, they will assume it's ok. A lot of trans people are understandably overwhelmed with this need to assert themselves, and it is tiresome to have all these struggles and fights, and you obviously have to pick your battles sometimes, but with people you will deal with again, there's really no way around calling them out on their BS.
I need to get better at standing up for myself
Are you saying they'll assume its okay to constantly use the wrong pronouns for trans people (and that its socially acceptable to treat trans people that way) or that its okay, as in trans people aren't bugged by that? I always thought cis people knew it bothered trans people, but just actively don't care about our feelings.
I have no idea what goes in the heads of cis people and i'm unsure if i want to know, what i'm saying is just that they keep doing it if you don't push back on that.
One of the sweetest experiences I had as a baby trans was someone else standing up for my pronouns 🥹 that was so sweet of her
Yea, you're right. Honestly I should think about cis people less.
there's maybe not that much going on there besides "i identify with whatever some doctor said when i was a baby and they briefly looked at my junk" and "that forest fire at the gender reveal party kinda kicked ass"
You can have some of these to give em:
Cissies degendering sucks
Is that what this is called? I was sure it had a name
Yeah, people using no pronouns or they/them because they see they/them as a "neutral" pronoun and ignoring gender specifically to you. Sucks
spoiler
In my opinion, you're right on the money. fwiw I don't hate being they/them'd by people I know are cool, but it definitely can be bad and invalidating. Sorry you're dealing with that, I wish I had advice
spoiler
The thing is, I haven't told anyone I've got some nb in me. Not even so much as a scent of that so as to specifically avoid getting defaulted to they/them when I want a she/her default. For all they know I'm a woman who sees herself as a woman and wants to be seen as a woman
super super valid and we feel kinda the same way regarding it