Children of Time is a 2015 science fiction novel by Adrian Tchaikovsky.
In the distant future, humanity seeks to create new habitats for itself on distant planets, terraforming them and seeding them with life. Dr. Avrana Kern is heading one such project, orbiting the tentatively named "Kern's World", where the plan is to release monkeys 
infected with a nanovirus that will accelerate their evolution. Through an act of sabotage from an anti-technology group that has also destroyed much of Earth, the monkeys are never released, and the virus instead infects a species of spider, Portia labiata. The book follows the evolution of the spiders and their eventual civilisation, as well as a remnant of humanity that fled to Kern's World hoping to find paradise.
also children of ruin and children of memory, the sequels, are really good
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Someone willing to listen and discuss them consistently would be fantastic. I mentioned gender dysphoria and suicidal ideation to my last therapist multiple times and she'd just kinda make a pouty face, and wait for me to say more. Which, it's like. I need someone to be asking me questions to draw out my thinking. This therapist did not do that. One of the five people in my life I've even mentioned any of my issues to.
uhhhhhhh don't know how this makes me feel, the solo journey is part of why i'm going through it. like, how am i supposed to solve my life by myself. i have literally been trying this since 2019/
After five years of social withdrawal and ideation? I'd love to feel some community. I'd love to know that if I disappear in the blink of an eye, like if a pandemic ended goddamn fucking everything, that it won't be like I was never there. I'd love to find someone just as confused as me who I can bounce my insane thoughts and questions off of, but if my time here has revealed anything to me, it's that nobody is as confused as me.
idk, I've been staring at this screen, I meant to eat like 2 hours ago. I need a support system. The help I want? Someone to encourage me to fucking eat. Like, if I freak out after typing this comment, I don't have oh can i call this person or oh that person. I'm just sitting with these thoughts
I personally have trouble relating to you about this specifically because what you're suffering through and talking about is actually ideal to me. I'd rather vanish and have no one bother me. But that's me.
Yes, you may have to cycle through a few therapists before finding one that works with you how you need and who you vibe with. It's not a try one and then hope it works out, you have to keep firing them and going to new ones until you get to someone that works with you. That feedback would've been great if you could give it to your (next) therapist. When I'm in a therapeutic relationship with a patient, I'm not perfect for everyone, but silence and leaving space for people to feel things can be powerful - I would suggest rather that your last therapist was likely trying to have you process a big admission like suicidal ideation, Ive told people things like "wow that sounds very intense, tell me if you have a plan or method yet" instead of open questions to that kind of admission. That might not have actually been a big deal for you, but they wouldn't know necessarily if it was or not. Also, she mightve just sucked lol, they aren't all good with gender dysphoria (my therapists I've vetted if they're cool with lgbt people). If you try again and find a therapist that does something similar, you are 100% allowed to fire them and find another or give them the feedback that you felt like they needed to ask you questions to draw out more.
I'm sorry if it's uncomfortable that in all reality there is no one who can rescue you. I'm not saying it to dismiss your struggle or pain. What you're going through is a personal journey because no one else is going to be able to live your life. Your life isn't really a thing to "solve" for whatever solving it means - if what solving it means having a relationship or deep friendships or being more secure in your identity, those things can come but no one else can swing in and fix it for you. You'll have to be continuously active in this journey, there is no part where it gets "solved" by passivity or by signaling in your own way that you want help (seemingly without actually saying the words very often? A lot of what you talk about seems to be very passively and subtly hinting you need help vs asking or taking actionable steps).
But this journey doesn't have to be dome completely alone, which is why I think you'd benefit from an irl trans/lgbt support group including and especially the one at your college you likely have even though you've mentioned many times feeling too old to relate to the typical student. It's there for people like you, that's where you can go to talk about your feelings openly because a lot of those people are likely going through very similar things as you or will at least lend a helpful ear. And keep seeking therapy, I wish it was as simple as the first person you find or were assigned to but it's not. It's probably going to take a while - but that's the kind of person you can go to to talk about some of your feelings without judgement on the other side and who can give you more actionable advice and real tools to deal with things like social anxiety or depression (if that's even what's going on).
As for eating, I wish someone could be in charge of things like that for you. Maybe you're the kind of person that even likes having someone else be in that kind of yotal control over you. But that kind of letting go should be a gift to give away, not something you need done to you in order to survive and thrive. It's not an easy or straight forward struggle, you will have to learn and figure out what works for you. Potentially you may need some kind of medical treatment if something like anxiety or depression is affecting you. I obsess and ruminate and have thought spirals because I have OCD, it is possible to get out of those ruts because I had to in order to take care of myself, my ex (at the time), my cats, my patients, etc. For me, I needed medication and 18 months of therapy. I don't know what you might need, but I'm telling you it's not waiting for someone else to jump in and figure it out for you - as nice as it sounds!
Ooh, I did! It was a life-altering trauma. I learned I didn't want that.
Honestly, I've spent a *lot *of time alone with the ideation thoughts.
I had to process them by myself, because I was alone at a summer camp when they started. I never really talked to people about it but I learned to find my way back towards wanting to live. So for me to bring it up to another human being is because I want to bounce that idea off of someone. I don't say things with the goal of having no reaction. I brought it up because I wanted it to prompt discussion. And that's how I approach my posts, I don't say things hoping to be ignored!
I truly thought everyone has cues and tells that their people pick up on, and say "oh wait he didn't do this today something must be up". At this point all I can turn to is anecdotal evidence, like a group of friends in childhood reacting to someone wearing his "sad shirt", all saying "Oh no everyone! He must be sad, let's give him a hug!", or one time i saw someone look sad and their friend walked over and said "you seem sad." Or are those the two instances of indirect social understanding in Recorded History.
I just wanted someone, boots on the ground, seeing what I see, validating some of what I feel. I see now that I'm expecting too much from people.
For sure, with a closer friendship or relationship people will pick up on cues or hints like that. My ex didn't (we're exes for a reason) but I did date someone who could which felt like she was a mind reader lol. Expecting people who aren't close friends to pick up on your cues is probably not as reasonable, sometimes they will but want to keep what they think is a polite distance vs jumping in and assuming you might ACTUALLY be down and be proverbially screaming for help. If you want someone in your corner validating you, it probably isn't going to be acquaintances. A support group should pick up - maybe not right away but over time - a therapist should pick up.
I think you can make friends who will over time get closer, understand your own particular cues, understand that when you're doing that that you want active help and not to be "polite" by ignoring it. It'll take time and some of it might be you have to take the leap to asking them to and being explicit about your needs - which absolutely can be frightening especially if you're anxious that they'll ignore you or cut you out or reject you in some way for doing that. Other than friends, having a therapist could help a lot with validating what you're feeling, giving you tools to deal with what's going on, help modify your thought patterns from a spiraling or circling or ruminating to something that'll let you move on cleanly.
Since you're in college, this is one of the times you can make friends through taking classes or going to groups. It isn't as easy as, say, kindergarten where you could literally ask someone "want to be friends" and then get a close friendship out of it lol. But it is a little easier than the working world. I know you feel you can't relate as well because they're younger than you, but you have stuff to offer with more life experience and your own unique worldview and experiences. You'll have to text more often first, a lot of people feel they initiate more than the other person and therefore the other person doesn't like them, but that's more of a perception than an objective reality - they usually don't even know you might initiate more. I met my friend in nursing school because I sat with her in our first classes and we did a lot of group work together (she was very good about my pronouns even when I wasn't passing even a little). Now I went to her baby shower and we're going to Seattle together and we talk on the phone and text each other, it all just takes time to grow and you will likely have a harder time if you view it as transactional - as in "if I text x times first, they must text y times first or else it doesn't count" or "if I text x times first and invite them to board games and we have a good time there, then they must help me deal with my emotional problems or else we aren't friends"