I have similarly avoided white friends and white dating (although an currently with a white man who ive been with for years, the only white man ive ever dated, who i met away from these intense beauty standards, just us two. I've often described it as "falling in love in the dark").

Whatever you want to do in response to the BS is your perogative!

I spent so many of my college years repressing my sexuality (dressing plain, not talking to any cuties, never hooking up /doing the flirtatious dance in public) because some of my racist white friends at the time made me hyper aware of my "pretty privilege" and i felt weirdly guilty and so embarassed and as a result regulated myself to never put myself out there.

I also noticed that the weirdness of my friends hyped up when I expressed attraction to certain white men who were the campus certified Hot Person Reserved for A Similarly Hot White

Now I realize I was just contributing to a racist/ sexist dynamic where I de sexualized myself in order to make the white women (apologies to my white women but yall have really put my through it) feel more comfortable.

This dynamic has come up especially with hipster white women, who in my experience have issue imagining the way prettiness and unashamed femininity can fit a radical world view.

As a result, a lot of these hipster women seem to purposefully adopt a semi political feiminist aesthetic thats less feminine. They adopt the ella emhoff look / purposefully blunt their sexuality while shutting down my more decidedly feminine sexuality, creating this dynamic of "cool white girl whose so feminist beacause she doesnt care what she looks like vs feminine black jezebel slut woman", without considering cultural and classed versions of feminity and also that expression of femininity is okay within itself.

Or how cis white womanhood is a traditional type of femininity of which their aesthetical subversion will never change, in relation to how black womanhood will always be seen as masc/ as poor / as something to be hurt regardless of how non threatening and feminine I make my aesthetic.

(no offense to ella emhoff, she looks fine, but im talking about the lena dunham rich white girl type that dresses ugly on purpose to queer her cis white feminity but then gets really self conscious when woc/trans/queer women just exist)

i dont think white features are the only good looking features, as I believe black people in all forms are beautiful and blackness is beautiful. (i also dont actually think I really have explicitly white features but thats for another day, I know I said i did, but i was getting more at how people have read me in order to demonstrate the privileges I am aware that I have based on my looks and to provide a framework for my expereinces being considered an attractive poc ).

In terms of how I conceptualize my attractiveness, i believe i'm attractive (just based on looks, not my sparkling personality or funny jokes) because other people treat me as such, and other people have told me i'm attractive based on my eurocentric features. Accordingly its hard for me to parse whether i think im actually attractive based on my "white features" because i think im still trying to understand my own attractiveness apart from what people have projected onto me. I can tell you specific parts of myself that I find attractive, but tbh ive only been interested in looking at my attractiveness based on how society determines me to be attractive vs how I determine myself to be attractive because its society's understanding of my looks that have caused the heart ache and have even messed with the way I see myself, so how can I even begin to identity the specific ways im attractive to myself???)

saying im good looking based on my white features can imply that I have self hate, but depending on the context it can also imply that I am aware of how i've been regarded in the context of featurism and that that allows me to be deemed "good looking" , but even then, it can also be implied that even if im aware of how im regarded in the context of featurism, ive drank the kool aid because im still determining myself to be good looking, even if what is considered good looking is being interrogated. its a lot to straddle at once.

Sorry if this seems really confusing and contradictory to what ive said before

edit: it would be funny if the incels came out with a questionaire similar to the invisible knapsack where people have to check mark experiences theyve had that lead them to realize that they are a "person of attractive experience" as a way to provide a gap between identifying as attractive because of how people treat you and between how one gagues their own attractiveness based on their own pov)

i unironically would consider white fragility to be one of the most undermining things for social progress bc anytime something challenges white people even a tiny bit, even white people who generally have really good egalitarian politics otherwise, they will burn down the entire movement before doing a little bit of introspection or stepping out of the way