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Serious answer here.
Have you thought about selling blood plasma? If you've never done it before and there is a local "enough" plasma place, usually there are some First Time donor bonus that can be several hundred dollars on top of the regular payments.
Need to be able to have your finger poked, kinda like when people are needing to check their blood sugar levels. Need to be able to handle having a needle in your arm for about an hour. Need to be within a certain min/max of weight. Be hydrated and have acceptable protein and fat levels in your blood sample. So, the night before/day of you'll need to reduce fat content and increase protein content. If you partake of intravenous chemical distractions, they might not take you if the techs notice extra track marks that they didn't put in your arms, so keep that in mind.
If you've got friends in the area, if you can bring them in for a few donations there may be referral bonuses that you can keep or split with your peeps.
Look for gigs on Craigslist maybe. Task rabbit, fiverr, uber, door dash etc i guess
If you already have almost enough to buy a house in cash?
Roulette.
I'm only partly joking.
If you bet 2000, then, if you lose, 4000, then, if you lose, 8000, then if you lose, 16000
you have a 93% chance of getting the 2000 dollars you need and it's a hell of a lot less risky than whatever crime shit people are suggesting elsewhere in the thread.
idk if this is a bit, but that's not a good idea and I think your numbers may be wrong,
A martingale is any of a class of betting strategies that originated from and were popular in 18th-century France. The simplest of these strategies was designed for a game in which the gambler wins the stake if a coin comes up heads and loses if it comes up tails. The strategy had the gambler double the bet after every loss, so that the first win would recover all previous losses plus win a profit equal to the original stake.
Since a gambler will almost surely eventually flip heads, the martingale betting strategy is certain to make money for the gambler provided they have infinite wealth and there is no limit on money earned in a single bet. However, no gambler possess infinite wealth, and the exponential growth of the bets can bankrupt unlucky gamblers who chose to use the martingale, causing a catastrophic loss. Despite the fact that the gambler usually wins a small net reward, thus appearing to have a sound strategy, the gambler's expected value remains zero because the small probability that the gambler will suffer a catastrophic loss exactly balances with the expected gain. In a casino, the expected value is negative, due to the house's edge. Additionally, as the likelihood of a string of consecutive losses occurs more often than common intuition suggests, martingale strategies can bankrupt a gambler quickly.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martingale_(betting_system)
You're absolutely right that it's not exactly a long term money making strategy, that 7% of the time you lose everything fucking sucks and it's not something you'd ever do if you didn't desperately need the money or had another way to make or borrow it by the time you needed it.
But if you do need the money and don't have any streams of income or credit to work with I'd still say it's a hell of a lot better bet than trying to sell drugs, rob a bank, or somehow come up with $2000 worth of blood plasma within a week.
How are you going to pay property taxes if you can't afford the house and have no job?
Anyways, the legal way is to become a day laborer where you show up at a work center at 5 AM and then get hope to get assigned to some construction task for 8-10 hours. It will pay enough that you'll have that amount of money in about a month. You can supplement with the usual guinea pig strategy: donate plasma and participate in research studies.
If that is too long, you could take out a line of credit, but this is generally a bad idea and likely a terrible one given no job.
Selling drugs, but that requires connections, shoplifting has a lower bar for entry but can have more risk depending where you are.
both of these are good options the first being much more worthwhile if you know what youre doing, just less risky (from my experience, in various simulator games) with the latter one you gotta do your research on different places. off the top my head you should pretty much never steal from: target (they wait til you hit a felony amount of total stolen goods, or so ive heard, it wouldnt surprise me. cameras everywhere and very few blind spots), kohls (they just have really fucking competent LP, learnt this the hard way sadly), the higher end department stores (no idea if im using that term right but basically places like macys and shit)
Half on spy puts half on spy calls. One of them is bound to be right!
In all seriousness, do you have anything to sell on craigslist or even do an actual pawn for? Maybe some family can float you a few hundred to make it easier?
That's basically buying a stradle option which is a bet that volatility will go up. I think JPowell is giving a big speech next week so this might not actually be a bad idea unironically.
