Here’s my dilemma
Presentation isn’t the same as identity and I’m perfectly comfortable raising a boy who prefers doing things that are stereotypically female. To give an extreme example, I will gladly spend the rest of my life correcting people who refer to him as “she” because he wears dresses, has long hair, etc. If he’s a boy he’s a boy.
However, I don’t get a choice in whether or not he learns what society expects of the different genders. I don’t want to go on for too long telling him “it’s okay for boys to do this” when the issue is fundamentally about the gender rather than the behavior.
My wife and I are both cis and lean a little androgynous in our presentation, but are still pretty binary. So when it came time for my older daughter to do some gender experimentation, I showed her a bunch of trans transition timelines, taught her about non-binary people (“you know how we call Uncle ____ they instead of he? They’re non-binary”). It was simplified but she was young. And she ultimately became significantly more girly than either of us were experienced with. Her biggest hangup was wanting short hair even though it was “boy hair”.
So now my son is only playing pretend as girl characters. He’s correcting us if we use his name while he’s pretending, too. He’s wanting hairbands and leggings and he’s also seemingly mixing up the pronouns. Like he put a crown on my head and said “she’s a queen” and then put it on my wife’s head and said “he’s a king”. Every morning we ask him what his name is today and he always says a girl character from a show that he watches.
In my brain this is screaming he’s a girl, but I also don’t want to push my gender brainworms on him. And I don’t know how much of this experimentation is common in cis children. Hell, I don’t know if I would believe the research if I could find it just with how suppressed trans identities are. As much as the whole “it’s just a phase” thing is usually transphobic cope, I don’t want to entirely dismiss the idea that it’s a phase. I guess what I mean by that is I’d like to facilitate him experimenting more before drawing any conclusions. If his gender ends up as a collection of caveats, even better. I’ll do my job of explaining that to people as needed.
So wat do? I think we’re going to take him clothes shopping and see what he likes. Maybe start helping him pick his own clothes in the morning. I have no idea how to approach pronouns or if I should wait. Right now he’s exclusively wearing dinosaur pajamas and a cat ear headband.
What common mistakes should I avoid? If you’re trans, what would you have preferred your parents to do? Is there anything your parents did right that you think more parents should do?
Edit: also if this is some cis fragility stuff in some way I’m not seeing and I’m overthinking the whole “let him pick out his clothes and pronouns” thing, feel free to let me know
sus first post from a day old account but i'll share my thoughts on my experience as a trans kid and what could have made things easier for myself (ymmv) idk how old your kid is so (edit: didnt see the title. 3 yo is way too early to know exactly lol)... very big difference if your kid is 10-13 than 5-9
As a kid, I was mostly interested in boys stuff with a small mix of an interest in makeup. This didn't really affect or change my trans status at all. I regularly thought of being a girl regardless, but it was kinda a shelved idea in my head, it didn't seem important until puberty happened. As an adult trans person, I rationalize this as all kids are pretty androgynous up till puberty and I simply didnt care at the time because I hadn't hit it yet.
As a result of my lack of real commitment either way, I ended up being very confused and got extremely depressed when I hit puberty. I grew up in a rural area, so no one ever explained to me what being gay/bi was (outside of homophobic jokes, so gay=bad), nor did anyone explain what being trans was. If I had a solid explanation of what these things were in grade 5-6 when schools started giving sex-ed my life might have shook out for the better. So, I was depressed by age 11ish. By depressed, I mean really depressed. I stopped talking to everyone, stopped hanging out with friends, I thought about suicide daily, sometimes I thought about it by the second. I was so confused about what all these thoughts meant that I was only able to parse it all through independent research at age 17-18. It sucked and those years still scar me (sometimes literally, electrolysis and other things like surgery needed to reverse my first puberty's effects are no joke and can be very painful and expensive).
So honestly... I just think education is all thats needed. Maybe the kid will want blockers in the future, maybe not. Just be nice to your kid and make sure they know everything they need to know a bit before puberty time.
sus first post from a day old account but i’ll share my thoughts on my experience as a trans kid and what could have made things easier for myself (ymmv) idk how old your kid is so… very big difference if your kid is 10-13 than 5-9
I realized I forgot to mention his age and ended up editing the title to include it, but I’m guessing you started writing this before I did that. He’s 3. Including stuff like his age and personal details about both my kids made this throwaway account necessary, but I understand the hesitation and appreciate your responding anyway.
As an adult trans person, I rationalize this as all kids are pretty androgynous up till puberty and I simply didnt care at the time because I hadn’t hit it yet.
This is a good point. I think I have an unexamined belief that kids know their gender implicitly even though I know rationally that a lot of them don’t. I know the “I’ve always known” thing is also a lot more complicated. Good to keep all that in mind.
I just think education is all thats needed. Maybe the kid will want blockers in the future, maybe not. Just be nice to your kid and make sure they know everything they need to know a bit before puberty time.
This is more or less the plan. I just get caught up with the specifics sometimes. Thanks for sharing such personal experiences and helping me sort that out.
I wouldn't read too much into anything a 3 year old is doing. Sure, it's possible that their behavior is an expression of innate trans-ness. But most likely they're experimenting to try to understand gender norms in the first place, and how they can interact with them. My advice would be to not overthink and worry about it, and if they do turn out to be trans, just take it as it comes. In the meantime, you don't have to shelter them from societal norms and expectations, but make sure they know that deviating from those norms is ok - from the sound of it, I think you're doing fine. I don't believe that any parent can fully be prepared for everything a kid will do, but as long as you're trying your best to be compassionate and understanding, I think that's the best kind of parent any kid can hope for.
you don’t have to shelter them from societal norms and expectations, but make sure they know that deviating from those norms is ok
Good distinction. I don’t think I could shelter them even if I wanted too. And I’m sure that by the time he hits puberty, gender norms will have evolved anyway. It’s all a process I guess. And yeah I guess my question really was whether or not this might be “an expression of innate trans-ness”, which when you put it that way sounds a little over the top on my part. But still I’m glad I asked
Right now he’s exclusively wearing dinosaur pajamas and a cat ear headband.
Your kid rocks. Commenting for the algo!
It the thing what make the post go up :stonks-up: and then go down :stonks-down: over time.
:Hoggers: Fresh slop conveyer belt!
commenting because I have also asked some of these questions and I want to see some of the thought-out answers
Let them do, act, and wear what they want. Tell them what transgender people are and what pronouns are, but don't tell them that they are trans because, hey, maybe they're not. Just let them be themself and contextualize information about gender stuff in whatever way, at whatever point in their life. Answer any questions they ask, but other than that, it's their journey to figure out, and you're just along for the ride. Don't be confused by their expression; they may start doing more traditionally masculine stuff, and you may be tempted to think "wtf, I thought you were a girl", because if they are a girl then that masc stuff doesn't contradict that, and if they're a boy, then the feminine stuff they're into now isn't a contradiction either.
I strongly wanted to play with barbies and do girly things at that age. My grandma use to let me wear a dress and run around the house. I also fiercely loved dump trucks. Kids around 3 first become aware of gender and learn through play, and you're great parents for giving them the opportunity to play how they want.
Just let them explore their identity organically. My 3 year old goddaughter was wearing a pink princess outfit the other day with a green cape and sword claiming she was a heroic prince. When I asked about the dress she said "only good princes are allowed to wear dresses." She is also 100% adamant that she is a girl. So long as your kid isn't showing any distress just be an open and accepting teacher and support. Kids are wild let them have fun and play, when they get closer to puberty you may start to see more serious questioning of gender if it is going to happen.
I think that the best thing you can do is allow your child to lead the way and support them in this process. It's honestly really refreshing to see parents such as yourself ask questions like these, I wish my parents growing up cared to do so. As a trans person myself, I can say in my experience that gender can be confusing and in some cases take a while to figure out. I experimented with multiple gender identities as I transitioned and I wouldn't change that journey for anything, experimentation/phases should be celebrated! As a kid figuring out my gender, the support I wanted from my parents would be verbal reassurance (Being told that I would be loved, cared for, supported no matter what). Just hearing that from my parents would have changed a lot for me.
If you're worried about pushing labels/brainworms as you've mentioned above, you just have to approach this from a standpoint of open support. Having a conversation with your child and expressing that experimenting with different pronouns/names is ok and something you would support them in, allows them to feel safe in that experimentation without assigning them a label yourself (there were times where I tried going by they pronouns for a week just to see if they fit! I decided they weren't for me but trying them out helped me understand myself more). It takes time to figure things out, as long as you are creating a safe space for your child to express their needs without fear or worry, and if they hear that they will be loved and supported through whatever they discover about themselves, that is the best thing you can do for a questioning/experimenting child (even if your child is cis and just enjoys expressing themselves in feminine ways, knowing that gender experimentation wouldn't be an issue is key).
It's a great idea to take your child shopping to let them choose what they like, just support and encourage them to wear and express themselves in the ways that make them happy. I hope this makes sense and is helpful. If you have any more questions feel free to ask me and I can try and help more, take care _
We can definitely do support, love, and encouragement. That’s very in our wheelhouse. I do worry about how to navigate experimentation while in school in a couple years, but I also am prepared to be an aggressive advocate and be the squeaky wheel if that’s what my kids need.
experimentation/phases should be celebrated
This is a good mantra as well. Weird that phases are downplayed as “less real” in some way
Y'all are honestly doing a great job from my perspective! There needs to be more parents like you guys ;W; I'm a little unsure of how to navigate this for a child in early education as well due to how tricky the school environment can get, I began my transition in my late highschool years so my experience was very different.
How old your kid is does make a difference, but he sounds young (I'm living for the cat ears and Dino PJs ). As a trans young adult with parents who were "tolerant" but not accepting, what you've already shared (if true) is amazing. I'd say to stay vigilant and open as you are. You ask them daily what their new identity is! This is amazing, you've left it open for him to decide. Naturally as they get older, they will have more to build their identity on and share those feelings. Just ensure he knows that what he feels is what matters. Because what Kristina says I also resonate with, puberty made things very complex for me and my mental health tanked, so I think that's a big mile stone you'll want to make sure you and your kids are prepared for, and have plenty of discussions about those changes, what they will be and if they want to avoid them for a while with say hormone blockers if possible.
As a trans young adult with parents who were “tolerant” but not accepting, what you’ve already shared (if true) is amazing.
I have trans relatives and watched their parents become “tolerant” but never really cross the line into accepting. And the amount of internalized transphobia that comes out of that alone is heartbreaking.
We’re a ways off from hormone blockers with him, but I suppose that’s a conversation I should have with my wife now so we’re on the same page and aren’t laying tracks right in front of the train down the line.
I'm assuming they're quite young off of these details and honestly at this age just let them do what they want. For the most part as long as you're clearly accepting and give them some basic info, whether or not they're trans or gay or anything else is likely something they will tell you once they have the means to.
Like puberty blockers some people are mentioning that, as long as your child (once they reach around that age ofc) has like a basic understanding that they exist they will tell you if they want it. No need to make any guesses.
I know it sounds kind of weird to think of this but the silly little child that can barely express themselves right now will be a fully formed preteen and then a teen and then an adult and they will advocate for themselves. By the time anything major around this topic pops up, they should be able to make their own choices to begin with. No need to worry too much about it.
For the most part as long as you’re clearly accepting and give them some basic info
I just want to make sure that the “basic info” is age appropriate, which obviously I have no model for. But a lot of it does seem to come naturally. Kids ask a ton of questions and play a bunch of social games so the info seems to get out eventually.
the silly little child that can barely express themselves right now will be a fully formed preteen and then a teen and then an adult and they will advocate for themselves
What you’re getting at is indeed reassuring. It’s a major relief whenever a kid is finally able to advocate for themselves about something because it’s one less thing to worry about managing for them. But I think what’s more a concern is not that his means of expression are silly or crude, but rather exactly how serious and complex they already are. Gender is so complicated and watching a kid pick it all up implicitly is both incredible and intimidating.
I just want to make sure that the “basic info” is age appropriate, which obviously I have no model for. But a lot of it does seem to come naturally. Kids ask a ton of questions and play a bunch of social games so the info seems to get out eventually.
Especially nowadays there's so much information out there that any child is pretty likely to figure things out to a decent degree by the time they're a teenager.
And yeah I agree is pretty awe inducing just how quickly kids can pick up social customs and ideas. Luckily nowadays we're generally more open about things as a society so people are able to express themselves. I think a lot of the time we just didn't really notice this too much in the past because society wasn't really as open about exploring social boundaries.
I really have no clue what to say since 1) I only started questioning for real as a young adult and 2) no kids
But maybe it's worth spitballing some ideas since I'm also AMAB
The first thing that springs to mind is maybe it's worth getting all three (parents + kid) to see an affirming therapist who has experience with trans kids once your kid is a little older - probably before they're finished with elementary school and/or after the first round of sex ed if you live in an area where it's taught well, but I can't say if there's a perfect age to do it. Def before puberty gets really going though. To me this sounds like the best idea for some more education - not just for you but for the child as well - and you get some outside input with someone who hopefully your kid trusts enough to open up to.
Everything above is only going to be most feasible if you live in a more progressive area or can afford to see someone, so I think you're doing alright if all you have to rely on is you and your partner.
It's not unreasonable to think it's a phase - they're only 3 - but it's good that you're open to the possibility they're trans. I think at the end of the day, providing a space (your home) where they can express themselves and experiment without judgment is the best thing you can do. Once they have a better understanding of what's going on in their head, they'll definitely let you know - it'll probably happen much sooner than you'd expect.
I guess last thing - definitely watch their reactions to things like friends' comments (shit like "that's girly" I guess), ANYTHING related to the changes that come with puberty. Don't be afraid to ask questions - not exactly like "hey 9 yr old, YOU TRANS??" - but if for example you're stumped about what to get for a birthday or a holiday and they've been eyeing something feminine or some toy or whatever is trending with girls, ask if that's something they'd like.
I think bottom line this might require some crazy attentiveness from you and your wife. Err on giving them space though. Don't pry, don't be nosy (could possibly make them think what they’re doing is wrong), just be involved and interested. And show them lots of love however it shakes out!
Teach and guide. They will figure it out and whether or not their experience is positive or negative will mostly come down to having a loving and supportive environment. Negative trans experience trend towards the norm when parents and family networks are supportive so it will work out ok one way or another in my opinion.
Just facilitate and go along with it. I don't think you're going to hit any really big problems until school years, at which point even cis kids start hitting things like getting ridiculed for clothing choices.
Yeah I think we’ve done an okay job of making sure our older kid feels comfortable wearing whatever she likes to school. She started out real bizarre but has already developed a pretty robust and unique fashion sense, especially for how young she is. I am worried about how some extended family will react. Cutting off family is hard but I know that no amount of education will be enough for some of them and if it comes down to that I’m not letting them harm my kids. Just dealing with the outside world as a parent is hard.
Would we really be human without some amount of extended family induced trauma lol. What’re these higher level brain processes for if not for processing the weird shit your grandma said about interracial relationships at thanksgiving dinner?
The enlarged prefrontal cortex and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race
I mean it’s a throwaway but I get why it seems that way
reactionary username
:jokah-messy:
Yeah, fair. I’d post on main but I’m not about to tie my kids’ info to my shitposts. Posting is a slow doxx and all that.
I think there was that stat that like 80% of accounts who post before commenting get banned. But tbh writing this post already took up more time than I anticipated. I’m not gonna take a bunch of time to “look normal” before asking a question. All I know is I appreciate everyone answering. It’s been helpful
I can't answer as I can't figure out gender for myself let alone a developing child but I just want to say the fact that you are thoughtful about it means that no matter what mistakes you make along the way you won't be anywhere as bad as most parents with this stuff.
