I’m in the prime of my youth, and that’s basically my whole dating history. Not to sound like an incel but being alone and constantly rejected fucking hurts, it just sucks so much.
I guess you could say I’m still so young or whatever but that’s even worse because like I’m supposed to be dating and having sex and having fun at this age lmao. And soon enough I’m going to reach a point where my lack of experience is going to be unattractive, I’m definitely looking forward to that.
I just want love. :doomjak: Not to get too “we live in a society” but maybe this world/society isn’t meant for love and lovers. In which case I’d rather not exist here anymore.
also this isn't really a direct response but i think it's worth examining how the mental specter of the "incel" has been totally corrosive to the social well-being of a lot of internet users; mostly young men but young women too who become afraid of themselves and of their own loneliness because they're convinced that if they ever express any need for human connection people will treat them like the next Elliot Rodger.
Yeah I definitely get you there. There's some part of me that wonders how many past wrong turns it would have taken me to go from being "internet loser who is single" as I am now to the same, but hateful.
...That's really not that bad though.
I mean, considering the last two years were Covid riddled that hindered social interactions to a degree, that's not bad at all. A lack of experience becomes unattractive at like age 27/28, with 26 being the "pushing it" limit. Even then a sense of developed identity, agency, and maturity will compensate for inexperience in romantic or sexual interactions; you're more likely to be honest, forthright, and direct with your romantic and sexual desires and social interactions than in your teens/early 20s.
Try to take the mentality of sex and romance being a byproduct of living your life, of socializing, and self-discovery to heart before you resort to despair.
A lack of experience becomes unattractive at like age 27/28, with 26 being the “pushing it” limit.
:agony-limitless:
why does this shit have to be done within an extremely limited window of time fuck this reality lnao
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzDFKJHczQ8
basically don't worry about it.
It's like getting a job; talent does a lot of favors but diligence and creativity are as viable, and provides more consistency that echoes to other parts of your life.
i mean im pretty screwed, compared to most people in my area I'm like, not attractive in any way shape or form, nearing 30, live with my parents, and pretty much never grew out of extreme shyness and act like a middle schooler despite being nearly 30
I try to have some hope but I think back to when I was 22 or 24 and was like "oh shit this years the year!" and well
its just like I don't even know what to do, i have no social circle and theres like no where to really meet people in the city without being super outgoing and I'm so weird and timid I basically can't connect with people in any traditional way
I and anyone else really will obviously concede that it is tough to have friends after college, to not have a community to actively be a part of to network with others, or even maintain those relationships you did have when you were younger.
In fact, a lot of times one makes friends as an adult are usually by accident. Just by talking to people casually at work or common areas in a city.
Those who pursue new relationships may find that there are still social clubs and group activities you can engage in to make friends; people even meet online from video games or web forums (like reddit's a bad place for news but it seems that it is effective in networking [e.g: r/r4r, r/makefriendshere, or someshit] and gaining advice or tips), or even hobbies you can enjoy in with new people.
Part of gaining new friendships and romantic engagements starts with basic presentational skills and outputs: grooming, hygiene, eye-to-eye contact and speaking. Then comes having a job, then comes having interests, then personal humor, charm , or affection.
Being a person with a life and passion beyond a need for someone to validate you; you have to love yourself first before you love others as friends or lovers. Though to be fair, that is a spectrum; no need for the Jordan Peterson advice of self-perfection before you go and befriend others. Just enough that you can hold attention and interest.
On a personal anecdote, when I was on a hiking trip in college with one of such extracirrucular activities the uni offered, I talked to the guide. I forgot the context of the conversation, but he said that he had like a few thousand friends on facebook, but only spoke to a few people outside his family and considered only one of them to be a close friend. He went on to explain that most people only have a handful of friends in the entire world, and it's usually like around 5 people consistently through life.
Generally speaking that is.
Specifically to your anxieties, is that the irony of such condition is that they can be made to contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies of inadequacies. I had similar anxieties in life as well, but experience and social necessity - fake it till you make it stuff - tempered those down for me. I still have residual shyness and anxieties, but I have learned to assert myself despite those thoughts. (exemplified in that buzzfeed video about adults in their 20s vs 30s)
(I know all of this sounds like neoliberal individual responsibility bullshit, but we all speak in the language of our environment, and we start somewhere.)
My catharsis/revelation is that new behavior changes into new thought patterns, new experiences override those synapses which compelled those old patterns to erode. And therefore if one is to change one must first act and have courage to do so; sign up for group stuff like baseball, running/cycling/yoga groups, etc.
Think of it as: an apprentice and journeyman does not become a master by sitting on a chair all day in a guild spitting out the same product order, they must branch out and attain new experiences and trades to become a master. Or that an old addiction is replaced by a new one.
I hope that helps.
Fuck, are you me? im 31 as well and in the same boat. Even when women have been openly attracted to me I duck away and ignore it because im so socially akward. Plenty of times i couldve made something and I didnt take it up. OP you have plenty of time and you're fine man. don't be me though if a woman (or any person) you find attractive approaches you, try to make something of it.
Id like to thank my brain for me being alone with books and video games.
yeah, I don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this :sadness-abysmal:
It's getting to the point where there's much less single people around my age already, isn't it? and having never had a girlfriend or sex before is probably pretty unappealing
20 is pretty damn young. I'm 26, almost 27, and 20 feels like a million years ago.
It does suck to feel alone and rejected. Funnily enough, it helps to hang out with other lonely rejects, in my experience. The more time you spend socializing with people who you have stuff in common with, the more likely it is that you develop some kind of relationship with someone. Some of my longest lasting friendships/relationships have come out of working at shit jobs and hanging out with the other dregs of society. Smoking weed together in the car on break turns into late night drives to the dispensary together turns into etc etc.
Mid-30s with 0 and after a while you just become numb to it. :shrug-outta-hecks:
if it makes you feel any better, i'm two years older and two dates fewer than you :cowboy-cri:
you said it yourself. 20 is young. i hadn't been in a relationship, on a date, kissed, anything, with anyone, until i was 22 (feds screenshot this for my file plz). don't let that dumbass hallmarko-catholic holiday bullshit grind you down. love is out there, and you are worthy of it as long as your heart beats. don't feel like you have to be hitting certain milestones at a the correct rate or gaining certain "experience" like a good little neoliberal subject filling out a resume. every new relationship (that goes for romance and friendship) will continue to feel completely new, and the only broadly applicable experience you really gain is experience of yourself.
rejection definitely fucking sucks but it's not the end of the world. getting rejected just means you're trying, and if you have the guts to try, you're braver and emotionally better-equipped than most people at your age.
this is bog standard dating advice, but if you want to, it might be a good time to experiment with how you present yourself, clothes, hair, grooming habits. like, hone in on looks you like and see what you can borrow from that. i think that's a pretty good source of the oft-touted "confidence" that people use to get with other people.
Dude that’s not bad at all. I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 23. Before that had I never been on an actual date. I got my mojo around 25 and now I’m 30 and have had like 30ish sexual partners and a few serious girlfriends. I wouldn’t really sweat it.
I'm getting near 40 and I've been on maybe 8 or 10 dates, and I've only had two girlfriends and none of that was until after I was 21 so you're already doing better than me. I feel you but also what others have said, you're not as much of an outlier as you might think and it gets better, especially as you get older.
Also you are young. I work with lots of kids your age and I still think of them as just that, kids. Not in an infantilizing way or anything, just a matter of perspective, your best years are likely still to come so don't despair just yet.
You might also give this a watch I only watched the first 20 minutes or so but it seems like good wholesome advice from our favorite left unity couple.
"Dating" is kind of a weird concept. Most of the couples I've known started out as friends and later decided to try something more. Sometimes the best thing you can do to find love is stop trying for it, and instead just look for friends, or people with whom to do activities. If any potential partners come along, they will see you doing something you enjoy. Which is, frankly, you at your best.
A lack of dating experience is also not the black mark it might feel like at first. It's okay to be unusual, as long as you're able to relate to people in a basic way. Developing your social skills - such as getting someone to open up about something, or helping someone feel comfortable if they're looking awkward - will do wonders for your datability.
Go at your own pace, it'll be okay. Society is putting pressure on it, but so are you. You can lift that last load off of yourself by forgiving yourself for the "opportunity costs" you're thinking about. Nobody cool will care about any of the things you mentioned. Some will even get a kick out of it.
Dating is a weird thing and you're having a common experience on that front. Also there's been a pandemic for over 2 years so at least give yourself a break on that!
Nobody cool will care about any of the things you mentioned.
This, completely. My partner had practically a nonexistent sex life into their late 20s -- it's totally immaterial. They're still and always will be the coolest, sexiest and most bad ass person I've ever met. That's how genuine connections work.
The real problem is that 20 year olds are vain, shallow and boring. 20 can be fun (in spite of the fun I had, I usually thought it fucking sucked, and I'm 1000x happier now at age 30) -- its by no means "as good as it gets."
being alone and constantly rejected
Look, that's only going to be the case until it isn't if you keep at it. If you don't, then you're alone forever. Dating and romance suck for a lot of people, but it's not a game about winning - it's a game about persistence. You'll learn about yourself and the people you date, and then your relationships can get better.
