I'm a large man that sometimes sports a mohawk. I'll be honest I sometimes look like a Batman goon or something.
I try so hard to not freak people out. I had a lady literally run to her car away from me once because it was night time in a parking lot.
No idea what to do about it lmao, I feel awful when it happens.
Recently I've started calling my girlfriend or another friend and chatting with them til I reach my destination. Alternatively I'll play music on my phone speaker, whistle, do something to make a noticeable amount of noise. Talking with someone is ideal though.
Seconding the talking approach. Makes it clear you’re there and can also be reassuring without trying to directly communicate with someone just walking home.
As someone who grew up in the scene, the mohawk/punk look puts me at ease but yeah I’m not most people
Used to do this before I came out as trans.
I still do this, but I also used to.
same. at the time, I could never quite explain why the idea of making someone uncomfortable like this bothered me so much. it went waaaay beyond normal courtesy or empathy and was a viscerally unpleasant feeling, like my skin was wrong.
I of course now realize a lot of those feelings were intense gender dysphoria from being perceived as both a man and as a threat. I still don’t blame anyone for responding in whatever way they need to feel safe, it just sucked that my presence was stressing someone out.
Now that I’ve transitioned further, it has been relieving to see how other women don’t tense up with me nearby now. I’m also now personally aware of why we have to be vigilant about men, which is… :yea:
I of course now realize a lot of those feelings were intense gender dysphoria from being perceived as both a man and as a threat
:yea:
One of the worst parts of transitioning was the moment I realized I can stop doing the male part of this meme, but I HAD to start doing the female part of this meme.
I remember a woman on reddit saying she'd be more comfortable if at night men behind her were being as loud as possible so it doesn't feel like they're trying to sneak up on her. And on the one hand, fair enough, on the other hand I don't see any practical way of implementing that without seeming mentally unstable and rolling back to being threatening.
Talk on the phone about DnD; nothing intimidating about a grown man whining about the hobgoblin's challenge rating being too low for a creature with 18 AC fighting players with no higher than a +5 attack roll at level 1 or 2, even with combat advantage.
You could also start talking about your lord of the rings meets pokemon cosplay outfit.
Does this advice change if that’s already what I do while I’m out walking?
I whistle while walking normally, but people still complain that I sneak up and spook them; so I wear my keys on my hip like bells on a damn cat collar since mosying around like Elle Driver apparently isn't enough of a warning.
See, but then I worry she thinks I'm trying to creep up on her so I gotta be really loud about it and "ON YOUR LEFT!" like a psycho from like a block away. And I'm not sure that's better.😅
Just start sprinting when you shout so there's less time before you pass her.
Lol, that's the other thing. I do a walk sprint routine and sometime I don't want to stop sprinting in their immediate vicinity So I gotta sprint for an extra 5 minutes and hope I don't die.🤦♂️🤣
"I'M CROSSING THE STREET BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN. NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK OR ASIAN!"
Lmao I am so glad I'm not the only one who overthinks these harmless interactions like that. I thought it was just the autism.
Women tend to think I'm a big, stoic, confident guy; Little do they know I'm dealing with so much internal conflict that my gears are frozen in place.
I've got the opposite issue - resting dimple face. I'm not even a particularly happy, my face just looks like that.
Was in this position walking down a dark highway to the bus stop at like 10pm. I'm a big guy so usually if I'm worried about seeming like I'm creeping up on a woman when I'm trying to pass her I'll cross the road or something, but I couldn't really dash over the highway. We were also both walking to the last bus and I didn't wanna do the 8ish mile walk home in the middle of the night so I couldn't hang too far back. Every time I tried to speed up a little bit to pass her she kept moving faster and I wish I could have just said "I'm sorry, I'm not chasing you, I'm just trying to pass you to be polite" without sounding like a psycho.
I was stoned and walking a few meters behind a woman who I'd thought saw me when we both turned onto the block, and she turned around and let out a solid yelp with panic in her eyes at my oblivious ass. I usually try and be conscious of such situations, but since it was in broad daylight near a busy street and all I didn't think we'd have an issue idk. Mildly humorous, but I do feel bad, and I can only imagine that she has had some sort of previous experience that put her on edge (at the same time, I really hope it's not due to true-crime/"everything is a sex trafficking scheme" brainworms, but I would doubt it)
“everything is a sex trafficking scheme” brainworms
about that….
:epstein:
Yeah I wonder if women would have a reason to disproportionately take up a hobby interest in studying violent crime 🧐
no no our fragile brains are just propagandized by Big Podcast
Lady brains actually form a hive mind of sorts. Ergo their fear is systemic
Idk, if someone said that to me I'd probably appreciate it. I'd think it was weird... but that's just because that behavior hasn't been normalized.
I don't know what the way to put women at ease that you aren't following them is but I do know that it isn't to chase them
It's easy people you just loudly shout "hey i'm not following you i'm just coincidentally walking the same way"
yea lol, please don't do this it is much scarier (at least for me)
I NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR CREEPING YOU OUT WAIT DON'T RUN OUT INTO TRAFFIC
My first thought lol. I like the talking on the phone thing that people suggest
I've heard people say they try to make some unassuming noise like clearing their throat or dragging a shoe on the ground as a way to "announce" their presence in a way that doesn't really acknowledge the person directly.
I've personally never been in this position though, because I've never lived in an area where it's reasonably possible for a human being to walk somewhere. Hard to say how I'd feel about any of the various strategies without experiencing it.
But I'm a pretty laid-back person, my mind doesn't tend to jump to possible violence or dangers or anything. If I saw some stranger walking 30ft behind me at night I'd probably think something more along the lines of, "cool, now if either of us have some kind of emergency at least someone will witness it"
Going through male puberty and becoming a threat like that was the worst growing up. I was already very self-conscious of the way I carried myself and appeared in public, and this just amplified it. On the plus side it's afforded me a certain level of safety walking alone at night.
Wanted to avoid both being close behind someone, but also aggressively overtaking her a couple of days ago. I ended up just crossing the street.
Correct move and generally the right one if you can safely do so. Needs to be crossing + walking past us though. I’ve had creeps pace me from the other side of a street before :sadness-abysmal:
Yeah someone tailing you from across the street is rough. It’s usually a false alarm and they’re looking down at their phone and you can stop without them stopping. But I had a guy stare me down at night two days in a week. Like see me from across the road and start walking the same direction as me while staring at me. Fuck all of that
I’m sorry, if you don’t want to walk next to people then adjust your pace
The issue is not walking next to a stranger. It’s feeling like you’re being snuck up on.
stop listening to true crime podcasts.
Famously, no one was scared of walking alone at night prior to true crime podcasts.
Just feels like we can give a shit about people who are afraid to exist alone in public as well as the people who are uncomfortable being perceived as a potential threat at the same time
Just because a fear doesn't map onto the real world with 100% accuracy doesn't mean we shouldn't try to avoid making the people holding those fears uncomfortable (especially considering that, rare as it is, assaults on strangers do happen at least occasionally). I know the average spider poses absolutely no threat to me but if someone starts waving one in my face and telling me "actually you're wrong to be afraid of this," I'm throwing hands.
Maybe you could stop talking about something outside of your experience like you know it in and out. Walking around as a woman can be terrifying. Almost every woman I know has stories about being followed home or harassed. SA is under reported by a mile. All my friends have tasers.
You are literally dismissing the experience of every woman I've ever met. Honestly touch grass, which in your case probably means calling your mom or your sister or some woman in your life. Or read a fucking book idk. cishet men and thinking they know enough to comment on every damn thing, the nerve.
May I politely suggest a reputable brand of pepper spray like Sabre Red or POM, it works at a decent range, and is more reliably effective than tasers. Spray across the eyes then run away.
I have a concealed carry permit and own a handgun. Better than a taser or pepper spray.
Also not a replacement for people also adapting how they behave in public, but I think we agree on that.
I conceal carry too, but I think pepper spray is more useful. There's a lot of gray area where someone could definitely be a threat but may or may not be a deadly threat in the eyes of the law or one's conscience.
Like would you rather maker sure an attacker is stabbing you or risk using unjustified deadly force, or would you rather just spray and GTFO?
Thats a great reccomendation! What about the wind though, id be afraid of spraying myself
You can buy training sprays that will let you test out the power and angle of the pepper spray without actually macing anyone. I recommend that to my girlfriends who want to carry pepper spray, helps to build confidence and is also fun!
Those sprays I recommended are quite strong streams, Sabre gel might work a bit better. You can shield your face while spraying or try to move laterally so you aren't directly downwind.
I'm not waving a spider in your face by walking down the street minding my own business, jesus christ. Anyway the justifiable fear is that of harassment, not assault (which mostly victimizes men). We should be looking for structural solutions to make women more comfortable on transit, not asking men to do a Ministry of Silly Walks skit every time they see a woman on their way back from work. Not only are such piecemeal solutions unreliable for making an individual woman less afraid, they don't at all address the general fear. My silly walk won't make you less afraid of the next guy, or make him less likely to say creepy things to you.
I'm not saying they're exactly the same, I used that as an example to illustrate my point that it's not cool to disregard people's fears just because they don't meet your personal criteria for a "justifiable" fear. It's not relevant whether you think a fear is justified or not. The need for structural solutions doesn't absolve us of the responsibility to attempt to do right by the people around us, and based on conversations with the women in my life and lots of comments in this thread, a whole, whole lot of the people around us share this fear. No one's asking you to do a Monty Python sketch, just to take your impact on another person into account when moving around the world. I don't think it's a big ask, honestly
This actually solved the problem for me. I used to give a shit about the feelings of people, even when I hadn’t directly caused those emotions. But then I realized that their emotions are just incorrect and not my fault. In fact, my own feelings of discomfort with the situation are their fault. If only these people would understand that the solution to their silly emotions are systemic
This is top tier sarcasm and also you’re replying to a dude who thinks that podcasts are the reason women are afraid to walk home at night lol
Umm sweaty maybe if you could pull the podcasts out of your ears you’d be able to hear these poor men approach you from behind
I’m not waving a spider in your face by walking down the street minding my own business, jesus christ. Anyway the justifiable fear is that of harassment, not assault (which mostly victimizes men). We should be looking for structural solutions to make women more comfortable on transit, not asking men to do a Ministry of Silly Walks skit every time they see a woman on their way back from work. Not only are such piecemeal solutions unreliable for making an individual woman less afraid, they don’t at all address the general fear. My silly walk won’t make you less afraid of the next guy, or make him less likely to say creepy things to you.
:reddit-logo: level comment. tell us about how men should go their own way next.
I have never had trouble hearing people walk behind me.
I've never had this one particular problem, therefore no one else has either.
Patriarchy affects both men and women, so until the systemic issues are addressed, fixating on whether a guy should cross the street or walk faster or talk loudly on the phone is some idealistic, non-materialist shit.
“Materialism is when you make women uncomfortable at night”
I love when some dude stumbles in here with the most absolutely dogshit tier take.
I have never had trouble hearing people walk behind me.
The social causes of this fear from women are beyond my control. Our society focuses on stranger danger to excuse rapist relatives, coworkers, dates, etc. This is transmitted by true crime shows, police procedurals, and just normal media where strangers assault women for plot reasons.
Yeah, as funny as it is to watch you make out with a strawman umm… what the fuck?
cringe comments like this show a lack of empathy and no curiosity to learn from others. women deal with harassment every day in public and also from people we know.
“True crime shows are why women are freaked out by my fedora tipping” is a fresh brainworm I haven’t seen before lol
i just cross the street. all the time. ill probably end up stepping in front of a car at some point. sometimes i walk an extra 15 minutes taking some longer way if there's some both sides of the street configuration happening at a junction.
it's whatever. i do the same thing with people walking dogs. not because i don't like dogs, but i don't want to be the guy that bothers people just trying to walk their dog. obviously i want to run full speed at every dog, slide into them on my knees, flop around on my back to induce them to pounce on me, and then sniff inside their ears rapidly. and like 80% of the dogs want this too. but their owners are dorks with like "shit to do" or whatever.
when I'm walking my dog if someone comes up to say hi to the dog I don't find it annoying at all. The dog loves it
I end up doing that with dogs but that's just to avoid the dogs
You have to yell “I WILL NOT ASSAULT YOU” the whole walk. also it helps to dress up in a way that is not threatening, like a friendly clown
Having put her at ease about you, make sure to carry a large butcher's knife so she knows you can protect her in case of danger. Sprinkle some blood on it so that any threats know you can use it.
