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despair
I guess I'm needing a big loan from the girl zone right now.
Went to a party with my gf last weekend. By 11 I was exhausted. Didn't drink. Smoked some weed but that's my usual. Girlfriend and our other friend wanted to stay out, so we didn't leave until after 2 and didn't get home until five.
I must have pulled my shoulder by staying up. I have chronic inflammation as it is but this last week it's been bad enough to wake me up at 2am. And now I'm worried that it might be an autoimmune disorder which would be aggravated by me going on estrogen and t blockers .
This weekend my girlfriend went camping and partying. I feel left out of her life. We tried scheduling date nights but I feel like I'm the only one actually interested in it and the time we tried it she felt like it was encroaching on her time to do chores and shit.
Feeling like giving up. And like I'm not really a priority in my gfs life, as much as she insists I am.
I can't work because of the pain condition and how it interacts with my mental health. And trying to get on disability has been a nightmare process that I'd have to start over because my last denial didn't show up in the mail, meaning I missed the time I could have appealed it.
So, I'm dependent on my girlfriend and I don't really feel like she understands my needs for intimacy. Intimacy to her is watching a show before bed and smoking weed, which by that time I'm already half asleep.
When my egg broke I woke her up because I was feeling so overwhelmed. And she basically was like oh that's nice and went back to bed.
School starts back up in less than a month. Not sure how I'm going to manage classes, trying to have a life otherwise, and my mental and physical health.
I see the gender clinic next Friday. Being out has brought me joy. But my fears of being attacked for being queer haven't gone away. And likely won't.
have you had a serious talk with her?
more gf stuff
Many. Everything I said above is stuff that I've already said to her. And I copied it into a text that I sent her so she'll be aware of where I'm at when she gets home.
But my suspicion is that when she does get back she will be exhausted from the regional burn, feeling overwhelmed by her chores that she hasn't been doing for the last 4 days, and then prepping for her next party once she recovers.
I think I should probably break up with her. And just be roommates I guess until I can get on my feet and support myself. Rather than me putting expectations on a relationship that isn't fulfilling my needs and expecting things to be different just because I'm transitioning.
Honestly relationships can be very messy early transition and if she’s already like this and you are unfulfilled it might be better just to end it then deal with the stress on top of everything else for something only one of you is putting effort into and you aren’t enjoying
I remember that feeling.. I’m not sure if she [my ex] was just sick of me or preparing to break up at that point. Actually, at first it was just her having a lot of good friends, and my social burden was hoped to be mostly carried by her. Idk. At least she understood my emotional needs (though I put too much on her because I didn’t have enough other friends).
Good luck.
Thanks.
She likes the idea of having a girlfriend and companion. Enjoys cuddling but is not really interested in sex or emotional intimacy. A lot of trauma in her past that's made communication difficult if not impossible. And she doesn't see the seen need to work through it because she's pinned all of our relationship problems on my own trauma and now the gender incongruence, which I've now mostly worked through and am working through, respectively.
The communication has gotten better as I've come out and healed a lot of trauma. But it feels one-sided and I think I'm the one that wants to break up.
Feeling sad saying it here :(
Yeah, very different situation, but I can empathize. Wishing you well.
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Yeah, I've tried to tell her that she's using projects to escape herself. That did not go over well.