Right, gotcha

I just want to know if it's a genderfluid thing or something more complicated

Sadly I don't have an answer for this, since I don't know much about the experiences of genderfluid people, but I would encourage you to seek those out and see if you can relate at all.

But I also wanted to add that the term "trans" covers such a broad range of experiences and that lots of other things affect your experience of being trans including your race, ethnicity, cultural background, class background, level of ability, etc. Part of the reason I'm trans personally is because the labels that were given to me don't make sense, so fuck the labels. Furthermore, my disability and class background (amongst other things I'm sure) makes me really not relate to the "normal" experience of trans women to the point where my ability to see myself as the specific category of "woman" is really impaired tbh, but I also don't have a very specific label for it, so I just use the most broad descriptor I can think of—non-binary.

We identify with the labels we apply to ourselves, because we recognise that us existing the way we are makes us have certain experiences as we move through the world. I like how Abigail Thorn put it—"a woman is a scam invented by men to get free labour"—women have certain common experiences when moving through a patriarchal world that, when shared, create a natural sense of comradery and shared identity, thereby creating the social category of "woman". So you can think of these identity labels as broad buckets that we put large numbers of people into, but it's just something we do to make it easier to talk about the vast range of experiences that is our life, and doesn't mean it's any kind of precise category with specific criteria you must meet to be included—it's actually very vibes based.

Transfeminine non-binary, which is how I would usually describe myself, is such a broad category that I feel like I am under no pressure have to explain or justify myself (to myself or anyone). The way I label myself might change in the future, but that doesn't mean that I "became" a different person, I mean maybe I did, but I think mostly I had just recognised more precisely how I stand in relation to the world. I like the label "queer" as well because that pretty much puts me in opposition to whatever is normal, which I find liberating because of the broadness of what that implies.

I guess it's a bit sad that you feel like your identity as a trans woman is making you disconnected from your own person, as if you are your label before even being yourself. I get where you're coming from in wanting to know how to describe yourself, since it would give you a clearer image of the reasons behind your experiences, but I want to encourage you by saying that it's ok to not know exactly what's going on. Gender is truly a fuck, and every person who proves that is beautiful.