Sending good vibes to all of my trans comrades cat-trans

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  • rayne [she/her]
    ·
    4 months ago
    misogyny

    As I started to social transition, anxiety I hadn't felt since I was a child became noticeable.

    But I've also come to realize that that anxiety has always been there. That I always got bullied for being feminine. And I've always felt like I had to protect myself around misogynistic men.

    So for me the choice is do I want to have joy and fear, or just fear.

    And I found that my life is a lot more manageable when I allow myself both.

    That's sad, it sucks sometimes. I went to the beach Saturday in a conservative neighborhood. Earlier I was in a trans friendly space so I was just used to being myself that day. And I had just taken my first shot of HRT the day before.

    My trauma got triggered being around all the macho attitudes and drinking that was going on. And part of me has wanted to hide ever since.

    I also get the voice dysphoria. I have it happening quite a bit right now, which is an indication that I'm still boy moding on some level.

    But there is voice training exercises online, that I've been practicing with. I'm also still smoking cigarettes so that ends up being counterproductive. And I have a referral to voice training through the gender clinic so that will help a lot.

    • BountifulEggnog [she/her]
      ·
      4 months ago
      I think this might be where my experiences deviate from the 'normal' transfem ones.

      I only remember being bullied for it once. I mean I never did it again after that, but idk. Maybe I masked a lot.

      meow-hug I'm so sorry you got triggered, that sounds awful.

      I hope you're able to quit, cigarettes are terrible and have really impacted my family. Its a hard addiction to stop.

      • rayne [she/her]
        ·
        4 months ago

        Thanks. My plan is this being the last pack. I have two weeks between tonight and my next visit with my kiddo as he's going out of state on a trip. And a bunch if lozenges.

        Plus, now that I've started HRT, I'm feeling better about life and don't want blood clots complicating things.

    • naom3 [she/her]
      ·
      4 months ago

      But I've also come to realize that that anxiety has always been there. That I always got bullied for being feminine. And I've always felt like I had to protect myself around misogynistic men.

      So for me the choice is do I want to have joy and fear, or just fear.

      I feel this a lot. I’m still not out yet, but so far just letting myself act more feminine and trying to mask as much has been so freeing

      Edit: good luck quitting! meow-hug