And it’s hitting as hard as it probably could right now. Does anyone else wish they could just live life in a vacuum, their decisions completely unperceived
Does anyone else wish they could just live life in a vacuum, their decisions completely unperceived
I relate a lot. People always say to not care about what other people think. But how can I do that when my ENTIRE LIFE is made up by my friends, family, coworkers, et cetera
would you cease to exist it they were not apart your life? do you live for them? or is your life your own?
That's not my point. The people around me are what make life worth living
I essentially do cease to exist without certain people. On a daily basis, the only people whose opinions I care about are the ones who pay me. Otherwise, I don’t care. But then I would meet someone or some people who I seek validation from, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or just an acknowledgement of normality and competence. That becomes my life until I’m drained and realize none of them are interested in me or have the complete opposite view of me. Then, I cease to exist, jaded, directionless until the next fixation arrives.
There’s not really anything else in my life. Hobbies are not enjoyable, eating is not enjoyable, working out is not enjoyable, music is seldom enjoyable, etc. Nothing really matters to me if I’m incapable of achieving basic human relationships.
I don't think any human can exist, as we understand it, in complete solitude. We are social creatures by our innate nature.
You're not alone. When you have your behavior closely policed by parents trying to quash your outward neurodivergence and are mocked by your peers growing up, it's hard not to be. It also has led to me developing intense rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's hard not to care about what other people think when any (perceived) negative feedback makes you feel like you've been stabbed in the stomach. Things can improve, but it's tough.
Hey do you mind explaining what 'rejection sensitivity dysphoria' is? I've never heard or read of it before and it would be quite nice if it came from a comrade.
Sure, it's a dysphoric reaction to negative feedback from others, so experiences of rejection, disapproval, exclusion, etc. can cause extreme emotional reactions. Like for me, when I was younger I could start crying easily from criticism that most others would not consider nearly serious enough to warrant that reaction. Even today, it can cause me to get unreasonably upset and contributes to me self-isolating and avoiding social interactions with others. It can be so intense that I can perceive negative reactions from others that don't really exist because it is such a painful experience I am protecting myself from even the slightest possibility of it happening. It is possibly the most unpleasant aspect of neurodivergence to me, although I am not sure exactly what causes it.
lol yeah me too
I realized recently, had almost an epiphany, that I almost never do or say what I want, but only ever what I think I should. It becomes a problem in writing. I've had to write essays and other things where I've agonized over wording for hours and allowed my inner self-critic to torture itself over what kind of thing I should write, what kind of tone, wording, structure, all that. With writing, there are so many endless ways to write a sentence or a paragraph or an essay, that it becomes a bottomless problem to reason your way to the right one. At some point it has to be an expression of you, but if your internal self-critic is louder than you are then it can be a challenge.
This is me, you've quite literally put into words my experience. Best of luck and hope things are better for you.
yeah dude, you too! I wish you luck with it. I'll tell you that, in the brief moments when I manage to speak and act how I want to and not how I think I should, it feels very exposed, like I'll get ridiculed at any moment. I think I've been trying to fit in my whole life. It's to the point where, most of the time, I don't even know how I want to speak and act. I have to consciously stop myself from acting out of habit. It will take practice. I'm treating it like physical therapy, like learning how to walk again after nerve damage.
I almost never do or say what I want, but only ever what I think I should.
Everything is the Abilene Paradox.
Also, because I mask so hard, if I'm stressed out or events in my life are taking up a lot of mental resources, I find I don't have enough left over to mask, and I end up avoiding people.
Ah, I can very suddenly relate.
I've noticed during periods of stress that I really struggle to spend time with certain people (including people I genuinely like), and immediately after reading this I'm starting to realise it's because I don't have the capacity to mask around them.
Not sure if what I'm saying relates, when I have the sense that I can't be authentic or my actual self, afterwards there is an immense shame and I withdraw, crawling into a hole and staying there until the awfulness of loneliness outdoes the shame.
I wish I was just better. Than whatever dumb thing I say or do is overlooked by my skills/attractiveness/wealth/charisma/etc.
I still think about mistakes I made in high school, over 20 years ago
Pretty sure this is just normal
Yes, this and analogous feelings are typical and part of the human condition.
Yes, I work retail for my main gig, and am outwardly so many minorities people are going to judge me as lesser right on and sometimes say stuff about it. It trips my social anxiety every which way and the only cope I know to do is try to ignore it or dissociate, but we all know how worthless those are in truly adapting.
Definitely. I’m trying hard to change this though. I try to regularly make decisions that other people do not agree with so that I can get used to the feeling of rejection or the feeling that I disappointed someone I care about. Most of these decisions are related to my appearance because I’m trans. I know that for other people (maybe like you) this is maybe not feasible because the fear of repercussions is too big. All I can say is that I respect myself much more ever since I started doing it which helps me feel better about myself when I feel horrible for disappointing someone.
Echoing the same sentiment, the emotional regulation section and interpersonal effectiveness skills helped me quite a bit.
