Reading through your story, I've seen it dozens of times before. That's not to say that you're not a unique or special person, but you're not alone. All the things you're feeling we all do at one point or another. I have too.

I'm all stoic and shit now but that comes with hindsight. Early in my transition I was a total mess.

It's possible to come out of it if you have a plan and a support network. The plan won't come to you immediately, and neither will the support. They take time to build. But you CAN build them.

You haven't failed at life. For transpeople this nadir is society testing your resolve, trying to claw you back to cis-normativity. Most people who detrans do so because of this pressure. But once you pass through it, you'll find your way of existing that works.

You can fight the cis by being your best self and finding a way of living that best suits you. I can't tell you what that is, because I'm not you, but I know you can do it. You're not alone.