Gender can be weird. Finding a way to be happy can be weird.

I've had my fair share of doubts over the 10+ years I've been transitioned. I've even stopped HRT before because I wondered if it was affecting my mental/physical health badly (lmao, it wasn't, I can't function without it). It should be noted that gender dysphoria isn't the only thing trans people face, its very likely you have a lot of comorbid conditions due to how society handles us and how little preventative medicine reaches us. I've sometimes felt that maybe I would prefer I'd be more androgynous, and at other times, I felt like maybe I would prefer to be more femme, but all under the same category of 'woman'. Maybe it was just wanting a change in window dressing? Unsure.

What I do know is that if you're generally mentally overwhelmed its best to address what the cause of that is. As I've grown older my life has become a lot more stable and mellow, and so have these feelings of needing a 'shift' or something. I've found the meds that seem to do the most for me (anxiety, depression, ptsd, gender dysphoria, et al) and things seem to have genuinely calmed down. There is of course a lingering trauma to not being helped head off dysphoria as a young person, transitioning feels like to a lot of people that you're just fighting against all the mistakes that cropped up with your first puberty, and never getting fully there with your transition due to having to fight against your history all the time. Sometimes, it feels like you are so used to fighting against yourself, that when you actually seem to get better, you feel a need to keep fighting and find yourself confused.

Of course, many feelings are valid. Its possible you got it wrong, and maybe you got something groovy going on with your gender. The only way you can know this is if you experiment a bit. Be sure to write down how you feel every day. Write down the steps you have taken to do x gender thing or not. Write down your mood on a scale of 1-10, explain what each number means, explain how you feel about your physical self. Documentation, documentation, documentation. You may be surprised how many days you're feeling alright, and you might notice common patterns on days you don't. Perhaps you have some sort of trauma you aren't fully processing, but documentation will help with that. Shit, be a pervert, put those numbers on a graph and plot them, it could be seasonal.

I feel like a sense of community is very necessary. Just online doesn't cut it. I feel like queers need to be in nearly constant physical contact with each other and form our own 'tribe' so to speak in order to repair the harm of society. Try to scrap out your own group.

Also, as your mom, eat some food, take your vitamins, and get 8 hours of sleep minimum each day. You're a growing woman / gender devil of some kind.