I can only speak from the experiences of a binary trans women, which you very may well not be, but the only qualifier of what makes you trans is that you want to be, and what that even looks like depends entirely on the individual. Here's the thing though, the ONLY way you can find out what that potential future looks like for you, and if you want it, is to live it, not just within your own mind but in broader society. You need to get out and show the world (however small a portion of this world as it takes for you, but it can't just be yourself) the gender presentation that makes you feel the most like you. If you don't know what that looks like, just try something anything other than what your doing, and yes, it will be scary, embarrassing, and emotional, you may not get it right the first time, I certainly didn't, but doing this could be the most important thing you ever do, don't let the opportunity to live the rest of your life as yourself slip away, you DESERVE it.

what even is this shit anymore? I thought I was she/her, but apparently theres some spicy areas to it.

I went through something similar to you recently. I was going by she/her with my wife for like 3 months, and I recently asked her to stop. It kinda sucks, but it just wasn't working for me.

BUT I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME WITH IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME! ITS NOT ABOUT AM I ENOUGH, ITS ABOUT IF IM EVEN FUCKING TRANSFEM OR SOMETHING ELSE OR HIDING FROM MYSELF

gender is just nonsense, its useless fucking nonsense i fucking hate it, i need it gone, i hate just not being able to conform to any binary. Maybe im just not a binary woman, and im having issues with being okay with it due to internalized enbyphobia.

This is where I ended up. I'm enby now, and I feel good. I can pretty much do whatever I want. Don't have to worry about having a strict presentation one way or the other. Don't feel like I'm faking it because there's nothing to fake. Just really chill, and I can present as femme as I want without having to meet the standard of woman. I can use whatever pronouns I want. I can pursue medical transition if I want, too. But the faking and questioning thoughts are gone.

i just sit in the same husk as i was at 15, not moving forward, but generally just rotting. My state of mind feels worse internally, but better externally, like im being sealed in. dark thoughts hurt me.

So like... My dysphoria is the worst when my anxiety disorder is acting up in general. I think I built up transition to be this big life-fixing thing in my head, and I think many people do.

If there's one thing that I can share with you that I think is really important, it's that your mental health and your gender identity are connected, but they are not the same thing. Hyper fixating on these gender identities is going to make it worse. Conversely, if you address your depression/intrusive thoughts, then your view of your gender goals will be much clearer. That dysphoria cycle and questioning will be replaced with joy for transition rather than pain.

I hope you come out of this. You really remind me of what I was going through months ago

Gender can be weird. Finding a way to be happy can be weird.

I've had my fair share of doubts over the 10+ years I've been transitioned. I've even stopped HRT before because I wondered if it was affecting my mental/physical health badly (lmao, it wasn't, I can't function without it). It should be noted that gender dysphoria isn't the only thing trans people face, its very likely you have a lot of comorbid conditions due to how society handles us and how little preventative medicine reaches us. I've sometimes felt that maybe I would prefer I'd be more androgynous, and at other times, I felt like maybe I would prefer to be more femme, but all under the same category of 'woman'. Maybe it was just wanting a change in window dressing? Unsure.

What I do know is that if you're generally mentally overwhelmed its best to address what the cause of that is. As I've grown older my life has become a lot more stable and mellow, and so have these feelings of needing a 'shift' or something. I've found the meds that seem to do the most for me (anxiety, depression, ptsd, gender dysphoria, et al) and things seem to have genuinely calmed down. There is of course a lingering trauma to not being helped head off dysphoria as a young person, transitioning feels like to a lot of people that you're just fighting against all the mistakes that cropped up with your first puberty, and never getting fully there with your transition due to having to fight against your history all the time. Sometimes, it feels like you are so used to fighting against yourself, that when you actually seem to get better, you feel a need to keep fighting and find yourself confused.

Of course, many feelings are valid. Its possible you got it wrong, and maybe you got something groovy going on with your gender. The only way you can know this is if you experiment a bit. Be sure to write down how you feel every day. Write down the steps you have taken to do x gender thing or not. Write down your mood on a scale of 1-10, explain what each number means, explain how you feel about your physical self. Documentation, documentation, documentation. You may be surprised how many days you're feeling alright, and you might notice common patterns on days you don't. Perhaps you have some sort of trauma you aren't fully processing, but documentation will help with that. Shit, be a pervert, put those numbers on a graph and plot them, it could be seasonal.

I feel like a sense of community is very necessary. Just online doesn't cut it. I feel like queers need to be in nearly constant physical contact with each other and form our own 'tribe' so to speak in order to repair the harm of society. Try to scrap out your own group.

Also, as your mom, eat some food, take your vitamins, and get 8 hours of sleep minimum each day. You're a growing woman / gender devil of some kind.

This post resonates with me. Idk if this is what you’re describing or if it’s something else but I feel like I’m slowly forgetting that I’m trans. Like I’m presenting more masc but the mental struggle of constantly dealing with the cis people around me who don’t know what I’m going through and just noticing that I look different is so hard and I feel like it pushes me back into my shell. It makes it so hard to figure out where I’m at on the gender spectrum when all external forces are pulling me towards the feminine side which makes me push myself harder to the masculine side but at some point I have no idea whether I’m just pushing for the sake of it. I could very well be non binary but I have no clue.

Am I even trans?

wait thats like ridiculous as fuck

I've had surgery and I still have this exact chain of thought every so often 😭

damn, I feel this on too many lvls I care to admit...