what even is this shit anymore? I thought I was she/her, but apparently theres some spicy areas to it. That or its lingering internalized transphobia keeping me from actually expressing myself in the day to day. are meds fucking with my dysphoria? Am I even trans?

wait thats like ridiculous as fuck

BUT I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME WITH IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME! ITS NOT ABOUT AM I ENOUGH, ITS ABOUT IF IM EVEN FUCKING TRANSFEM OR SOMETHING ELSE OR HIDING FROM MYSELF

gender is just nonsense, its useless fucking nonsense i fucking hate it, i need it gone, i hate just not being able to conform to any binary. Maybe im just not a binary woman, and im having issues with being okay with it due to internalized enbyphobia.

Lenin's Fucking Beard can i just fucking decide for once?

This is messing up my sexuality heavy, or am i imagining it. Because honestly it could be residue self hatred leading to all of this. I could be a TGirl gay ass bitch and just be a bit fruity with my gender sometimes. I just don't know what else is going on with me.

I refuse, like outright avoid, situations to express myself. I feel uncomfortable being out to good friends and just have this feeling of being fake as fuck. I don't try to identify irl with my gender expression. I just keep my hair longish, and shave, and wear guy clothes. I DONT DO ANYTHIN'! Just sit around, refusing opportunity after opportunity AND I DONT KNOW WHY

dysphoria comes and goes, nothing makes sense, and honestly im no better than i was when i found out sobbing in the corner of my room on the weekend after i turned 18, blasting a banger Astrophysics cover of 'Fly me to the Moon'.

I just kinda want to die, its constant, but a month ago i tried to write a letter and damn was it cathartic because i don't think i actually want to die. Im deeply insecure, depressed, and cynical, but I want to keep going. Or do I, was I just fuckin lucky that I thought the letter was cringe as all fuck and scrapped it realizing 'general depression' didn't feel like enough reason to overdose on aderall.

Why do i refuse to reach out, why do i refuse to try, why do i refuse to improve and be something more

i just sit in the same husk as i was at 15, not moving forward, but generally just rotting. My state of mind feels worse internally, but better externally, like im being sealed in. dark thoughts hurt me.

im sitting in my new dorm thinking that maybe i haven't opened a new chapter in my life at all, but just stepped into the next stage of my descent into fucking insanity.

who knows, i could be 'saved' with a fucking hug or actually eating food but hunger keeps everything so nice and hazy.

I love all of you here, i sure hope you don't read this, but if you do...

i don't know, maybe some advice, some help? Don't know how useful itll be since i refuse to allow people to help me.