her,,, expolde
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oof sorry took me a long time to type out i started feeling a bit unwell, thanks for the response
I guess I've been going through some denial/bargaining/sadness about it, honestly. this is my first job i've lasted for more than a year at, and i would be fine until demands exceeded my needs and then i would just be unable to cope entirely.
i moved so a smaller city where downtown was like a 15 minute bus ride from my apartment and ... suddenly everything became possible. everyone is really laid back here and i feel a lot safer.
yeah, true.
regarding relating, sorry maybe i misunderstood.
edit: i think i understand now. i think you're mad because i'm feeling guilty about something that i shouldn't right?
yeah, luckily it's only once per year ... but ... thinking about it makes me feel ill.
i don't think i have the persuasive capacity and the assertiveness to push anyone any direction about anything that's not software related imo
i know there's also the one which just started (which i think is also IMT affiliated) but just knowing that there's people calling themselves leftists out there that wouldn't want queer people like me there makes me sad. i also don't want to get sucked in too deep when i'm scoping the place out. it's awful, i literally cannot say no to people, so i really avoid putting myself in positions like this where people might ask me for things.
i used to think i was so argumentative and difficult, but actually i was just overwhelmed, and actually my main struggle is probably people pleasing.
i certainly don't feel my age, i thought things were largely fine in my life until i started scratching beneath the surface this past couple of months in therapy and reading about ND stuff, and i honestly now feel like i stopped growing in like my teens sometimes, so ... idk, i have a lot of complicated thoughts about my age that i'm not sure how to unpack.
but yes, i enjoy talking to you, so i guess it does seems cool from my end at least :)
yeah, on good days, i feel like i can be the good boss, trying to advocate for people, make everyone's jobs easier, be really flexible about rules, etc. (there aren't really that many rules anyway). but, sunday night, i just get this feeling of being stuck there for 8 hours tomorrow. yeah, i slack off sometimes, reading silly posts on bear site helps, but i'm still in front of a computer that i don't own, in meetings i run (exhausting), and being interrupted every 5 minutes by some message or other that requires me to read paragraphs of information and context switch to one of the like 18 codebases i'm supposed to know everything about. and on slow days, 8 hours feels like an eternity to do nothing of substance to me. (trying really hard not to feel guilty about how i feel about that)
i wonder if there's an org that meets once every two months haha
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Ah I'm really sorry to hear this job fucked up then, that super fuckin sucks. Your first half decent job... I'm in a city that size or smaller, and yeah it's unnaturally chill here, which is cool.
Yes and because I literally relate to your thoughts ✨
This is why I never looked into commies and shit before hexbear frankly. It's not a super common position, but the Canada Communist Party, their statement has weird shit about "identity politics" and whatever the fuck. Eugh, reactionaries. Also given you have trouble saying no it does make sense to avoid stuff like that. "No" is a good skill, of course...
I'm not sure either, I'm some yappy little fuckin nerd. I get on with people somewhat older than me very consistently, but I don't have weird feelings about my age, lucky me lol. And I have liked talking with you too :)
God your job sounds like actual torture in all respects, my condolences. Even with good pay, pto and wfh I do not envy you this position, despite being "worse off" y'know. Helljob.
Once every two months would be rad! Please!!
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thank you so much for listening to me and replying btw, i hope i can return the kindness in some way
i've lived nearly in a bunch of places and have extremely detailed and nuanced thoughts on each city i've lived in and even visited. i would totally write long and detailed posts about all of them, but probably shouldn't.
i know one of my friends (this phrasing makes it sound like i have a lot of friends lol, i have like 2) just moved here from an even smaller town after she had to deal with some queerphobic shit, so i guess this is as small as i go.
well, then i declare i will not feel guilty anymore for feeling stifled by my job! ... or ... at least i will try to. thank you.
hexbear communist party when
yeah, i feel guilty here too for not doing more, thanks for saying that. and the duality of "avoid things that you can't say no to" and "learn to say no better" is not lost on me... maybe hanging around here will help me learn to be more assertive. or i could bug Cool Therapist about it when i see her next.
yeah, my partner says maybe i should look for a new job, and i told him "i don't want a new job, i want this job 2 years ago :(" but he's probably right. at some point, i'll need to leave and take a pay cut. or maybe things will get better here, idk it probably shouldn't stay like this if i'm this messed up about it that it takes me like 40 minutes to do a single post lol.
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You are welcome ✨ Uh if you respond to my weirdest posts I will consider it more than returned, but also dw about it.
Sad that city posts would be basically doxing, cause that would be cool... and yeah queerphobia, ech. There's a sweet spot for city size I guess.
As long as you try not to feel guilty that's what counts
HEXBEAR COMMUNIST PARTY NOW!!!
You should def bug Cool Therapist about it, but it would be rad too if hanging here lets you be more assertive. Be assertive at me!!!!
Yeeeeeah it might pay (not literally lol) to get out if it's crushing you so bad. Maybe you could use your experience with this job to get something semi comparable at least? I know job market is hellish though.
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tbh i want to frame this quote btw, i can't stop reading it it's so funny and has that quality that i can't quite describe, it's like the perfect assembly of words
I am building up a poster's rhythm and I'm flattered
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:takes-notes: respond...to...all...ashinadash...posts...during...work...hours. got it
ya, lucked out here, some nice scenery but terrible allergies here
i will try! also ... this is reminding me that i got like actually obsessed with xenoblade chronicles 2 when it came out and nia is literally the best character in that game imo, maybe worth a post...
it'll be a few weeks for CT tho, Cool Therapist is busy apparently lol and i got lazy making appts and didn't realize she was 3 weeks out
yeah, i'm getting close to that point. it's possible if i could find the right words that the well meaning people above me would know how to fix it, or that things will get better once i adjust to a new rhythm, or i get laid off with a nice severance lol. but i should start thinking about what next would be in case those things don't happen. (tbh i want next to be like a year off lmao). even just having a backup plan could help with the anxiety.
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It's more like uh, I dunno, I post weird things and nobody replies sometimes
"I showed you [whatever weird book screed] please reply"... Also allergies gang lol
Oh god Xenoblade, is it Xenoblade 2 time???
Ooooh that DOES sound cool! Sucks about long-off appointments but if you can do some asserting online in the meantime...
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tbh this is kinda why i didn't post online until recently, feels bad to work hard on post to try to start a conversation and have just no one respond.
you can always @ me and i will do my best :)
hmmmmm i am not sure i have a full post in my head about it unless i replay it again ... on emulator ... and somehow disable the dynamic resolution stuff. i like environments in games, XC2 especially, Gormott is one of the best video game places, and Uraya (also the OST for the game is SO GOOD its one of the few physical CD sets I own). I would probably want to boot it up and grab screenshots ... aside, I booted up the Riven remake in VR today and just kinda sat on edge of the transit platform and stared at the ocean for a life half an hour lol. good stuff, too bad the game runs really poorly. maybe i'll write up a post on that game tomorrow.
oh man, i could write posts about so many games, other things i like, etc, damnit i'm gonna do it, i'm gonna post!! even if no one replies!! maybe book reviews too...
True, my boss is a lib, and his boss is the CTO, and is generally very easygoing-seeming. They really like me I think, buuuutttt some of the things they've said in meetings, and some of the decisions are not great... plus maybe i can code again if i go somewhere else? hmm............ well, I have savings at least, so even if i walked out tomorrow i'd be good for a few months, so I'm at least prepared. wish i could just take a month off tbh, that'd probably change everything lol
I'll think on it, maybe talk to a recruiter sometime soon (god last I talked to someone a lot of jobs wanted people in the office some/all of the time). I think a night like tonight is not something I want to experience again, that dread, which would become regular, usually preceded completely losing a job in the past, either by quitting, or doing so bad I get fired. So I agree, I should do something so I feel less trapped.
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Taking a month off would slap, you not have enough pto for that? But yeeeeeeah fuckin libs, every time. I hope whatever you do is good for you and breaks this cycle of dread for you. I beleaf in you.
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I would if it were the beginning of the year, but I've been steadily taking the 4 weeks so far, just had a week off week before last, and I took my actual birthday day off this week, so that's at least nice. Could do it next year ... hmm. Also holidays are coming up too, 2 weeks is nice.
I wonder if they'd be amenable to an unpaid month off for me... I bet they'd prefer that to me quitting lol
There was a time where I thought a full-time job was impossible for me, so this is already a huge improvement. Usually I remind myself that all I need to do is show up. I don't need to be in perfect form, or even right on time, I just need to be present. That's what they want. Everything is easier if I can make it that far. And I don't need to be perfect in every way, or even competent in every way.
Maybe I'll sneak in a draft of a post in the morning then. I should take screenshots, maybe over lunch... I gotta figure out how to get a book into VR so that i can read in Riven (although canonically this is a really stupid idea the world is breaking apart and you probably have very little time to do <plot>, it's got those vibes). alas, the tech isn't there yet