Children of Time is a 2015 science fiction novel by Adrian Tchaikovsky.
In the distant future, humanity seeks to create new habitats for itself on distant planets, terraforming them and seeding them with life. Dr. Avrana Kern is heading one such project, orbiting the tentatively named "Kern's World", where the plan is to release monkeys 
infected with a nanovirus that will accelerate their evolution. Through an act of sabotage from an anti-technology group that has also destroyed much of Earth, the monkeys are never released, and the virus instead infects a species of spider, Portia labiata. The book follows the evolution of the spiders and their eventual civilisation, as well as a remnant of humanity that fled to Kern's World hoping to find paradise.
also children of ruin and children of memory, the sequels, are really good
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New year (and more specifically I returned home from visiting fam) and... I guess I gotta live again, and by that I mean do productive things (not that visiting fam was bad- it was wonderful, helped my mom cook a lot and just connected with siblings idk) and get my life on track as well as to a point where I could actually have some sort of notion of self worth.
I guess tomorrow and onwards will be the turning point (or it won't, but it has to be). I guess today wasn't so bad either in terms of doing some things for myself. Ought to leverage my siblings (sis could also use help really) for assistance in keeping up motivation (or having any) I guess.
Today I had a weird dream, I basically almost never dream (or at least don't remember them) but in this dream let's just say I looked somewhat different in the mirror and wasn't dysphoric and was going
even in the dream. Sucks to have to wake up from that tbh, optimistic ish but don't trust myself to see it through properly. 
I guess I also just have severe issues of self-doubt and self-sabotage historically, been thinking of that lately (well always)
I.. I dunno, compared to previous times I'm more defeated, not running on fumes and hot air as much as before and more.. wise(?) I guess, while trying to pick myself up. But I know myself and tbh the honest truth is I just kinda have a really messed up (limbic system, lack of self worth and motivation, learned helplessness etc). How am I supposed to trust that?