SALUTE
I have barely watched Breaking Bad
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Let's have another good week everyone 
Thank you ✨
Uh I guess, my brain doesn't feel like it wants to actively do creating with any media though. Despite being a fiction simp I have basically never thought to write fanfic, because Idk the urge just isn't there. My brain does not fill in gaps. It feels clinical I guess. I also like that I have so much autism that I just let a game eat me for two months or whatever, but considering that my favourite mode of feeling from stories is "wistful and gay" I wish I was a little more elastic on the fronts you are, y'know? It's one of those things Idk.
Wistful and gay is a good emotion though, very nice and fun. If it makes you feel better, I used to not really feel like this at all with art. I literally never "related" to a character until I was 16 or so. And it took me a long time to shift from the nerdy encyclopedic way of engaging with media to this very emotional one. So it can shift a lot. I am also just a very emotional person in general, I cry with my irl friends like once every month just because I feel so emotional from being with them sometimes. And I mean you do obviously feel other things from stories, like when you read something you hate and feel angry about it, or the discomfort you had with a lot of Paul. These are both emotions which I count when considering art that impacts me. A lot of my shift in engagement came from simply recontextualising and redefining vague things into feelings. I'm probably making this worse though, sorry. Gonna head to sleep now, I do hope you feel better soon, being drunky like that must suck rn.
I fuckin exist to be gay and wistful, it is my life's goal. Me staring at my fictional gays and saying "MAN", you know?
That shift you describe is fascinating though. Same same, Orange Book shattered the analytical cold removed approach for me. I realised I was only relating to media and stories from a remove, and so a large part of why I search out emotionally powerful gay shit is because I really relish FEELING BIG THINGS from stuff!! Two of the books in my top 5 are ones that made me cry a lil!!
Wow... she has friends irl, so cool... having friends you can do that with...
Yeah I do relish that feeling stuff, I wouldn't read Paul again but it was uh stimulating emotionally, intellectually-feely. Good stuff I think. If I'm autopilot no-feelings-mode through something, it has failed.
Okay stop being me please! This is a She Jus Like Me Fr Fr!!! You haven't made it worse, I really appreciate the chatter, thank you and get some good sleep ✨
:waow-based:
Yeah I can see why, Nevada is a very intense little thing. For me it was Fata Morgana, it genuinely fucked me up and transed my gender. But I already mentioned that to you so I won't go into more detail with it.
:aubrey-cry-2: I would totally bawl my eyes out if I met you irl ngl.
Okay good to know my weirdo brain is like your weirdo brain a bit then lmao. Tbh I'm still figuring some of these out, feeling scared is something that I'm only just now starting to get a sense for, or at least I'm starting to notice more places I feel that way. Particularly in regards to relationships. I guess it could be described as anxiety too but I feel like these cases are a step removed from that, idk.
And I'm glad you appreciated it and yes it was a good sleep!
Yeah Ikr, I thank orange book for setting me on the path of queers in fiction, truly critical work
Okay fuck, now I have to ask you about this, uh when does Fata Morgana get good, pls. I have been dorking around with this Mell guy for like two hours and all I can think is " 
Holy fuck when does the vampire lady EAT THIS FUCKIN GUY?!?" Ugh I lost the will, my save and the game are still on my Vita but I was like, blegh...
Fuck yeah weirdo brains!!!
Yea and I relish this too, figuring out your feelings and stuff is pretty cool ngl. Maybe less so in relationship terms? But it feels like understanding yourself.... feeling scared in the context of relationships though
is that some bad stuff? Dare I ask?
Fuck yeah, good sleep
For me I was honestly already invested by that point in Fata Morgana tbh. I would say it really gets good at Door 3 though, Door 1 is cute but noticeably poorer written since it was a demo released years before the rest of the VN and wasn't changed much for the full release. And Door 2 is... Kinda shit ngl, almost skippable but there's one or two important bits in it. Door 3 is where the best characters start being introduced though, and then Door 4 introduces the best best character and then Door 5 onwards is full steam ahead peak visual novels. At 2 hours you were nearing the end of Door 1 iirc, but I wouldn't push through it if you weren't enjoying it. It's fine if you think my favourite thing is boring, and honestly I can get why since they're all kinda typical het relationships, what matters to me is I like it though. Also lmao you think she's a vampire.
Mmm nope~ it would be very worth it because you are a smallish nerd with bad social skills who I care for and like and would be happy to see.
(CW Trauma discussion, Sex discussion)
It's basically just, I moved around a lot in my life (military family stuff, I have on average moved every 2 years of my life, less if you count the 4 moves this year from being kicked out but I don't) and I'm starting to recognise how that actually traumatised me and how I have a fear of leaving the people I care for because of it. And I'm slowly exploring that and trying to figure it out and how its been impacting me this whole time now that I can recognise it for what it is.
The other side of that fear exploration is that I'm scared of getting into romantic relationships for a few reasons rn. The big one I've talked about before is how I'm scared of sex with my dysphoria, and I worry about whether the hypothetical partner would be put off by it or unable to go at my pace for some reason. My ex kinda wasn't, but she also went very quick when I let her talk about it a bit, and while I enjoyed it in the moment I also would often say things that in retrospect I wasn't as comfortable with as I thought because I wanted to please her, and I'm also scared about me doing that in a more serious situation that would fuck me up.
And I'm scared of getting in another relationship right now, at least a little bit. Because if my relationship with my ex felt as right as it did but then ended anyways, what'll happen if I don't luck out with another relationship like it? Or what if someone breaks up with me for the same reason in the same way leaving me to worry if there's actually something wrong with me instead of it supposedly not being anything I did or said. What if I'm just too intense and emotional for everyone I meet and that was the problem?
I'm just... Scared of being hurt in the ways I've already been hurt before. And it took me a long time to recognise this as being scared instead of not noticing the feeling, not being able to express it.
Okay, I'm like, I can give a shit if anything matters but bro is so booooring
Okay well I guess I'm fallin for the meme again, I'll at least try to make it through Door 2 probably. I got more Fallow to enjoy and blub over first but I'll get back to it. I wanna give it a little more of chance I suppose, some things I would have dropped forever already but the initial rec was good so I'm like, okay a little more, fine. I have a low tolerance for hets but Idk who knows.
Awesome lesgo!!
Ohhhhhhhh, I see, I see. Makes me wonder if I have introspection to do, regarding getting kicked out and moved around, huh. The realtionship stuff though, woah:
Anyone who is or can't is a bastard imo. I only t4t obviously but aside my one stupid shitty ex, I've never had problems with anyone being good about my dysphoria, my wife has been very good with me but generally while I get this fear I think it's unfounded, and anyone who is not willing to move at your speed and work with you on dysphoria is not someone you should be dating, imo. We should kill those people will hammers instead, probably.
Generally though
yea, I understand completely why you feel that way and it's good progress to understand it fully. This is the less fun working-out-your-feelings but it's obviously important as fuck, and it usually makes future connections a lot better, has done for me. Ty for sharing all of that, I really felt a lot of it ngl.
Please don't fall for the meme, if you aren't enjoying it just drop it. If you absolutely must then just outright skip door 2, I won't blame you if you do. But like every relationship in the VN is het, they're all a big focus of every tragedy, and I'm still not convinced you'd enjoy the transy parts since they're clearly written by a cis person in that sort of suffer focus way as I'd warned you a bit before.
It's called albinism it's a real thing. But no the reason I found it funny is that I thought the same thing when I first saw the game's art then I went a few hours wondering "where vampire?" Before realising there are, in fact, no vampires in The House of Fata Morgana
Yes
More clarifications
I don't know if that would be the case, maybe it is. But for me I moved around a lot earlier and still often in the 'this will definitely fuck you up' age range. Like genuinely moved provinces/country 5 times by the time I was 10 type fucked.
You're right, yeah, and I don't really think I'd reach that sort of relationship with anyone like that anyways, but I'm just worried I guess about getting vulnerable enough to do it only for it to be awful and terrible and all the feelings that'll come with navigating that with someone.
What's weird to me is I often am fine at expressing my wants and don't wants, but then I'll go back on it and do something I'm not totally okay with because I feel like I should. Like one example with my ex was she had a mommy kink. I find those kinda uncomfortable, partly since I feel there's an inherent ageplay to it, and also partly on account of my own relationship with my mother. So I expressed that and she was fine with me not indulging it, but then dumbass that I was while we were falling asleep on call I decided to indulge it a bit to test if I was really as uncomfortable as I thought and to help her sleep. And while I didn't feel uncomfortable in the moment it just, stuck with me, and the discomfort grew as that time went on.
I suppose it is, yeah. A lot of people I care for are like that. So why should I be unlovable for it? I was being silly and dumb. Silly Sery. (I might still worry a little but honestly this bit did help me with that, thank you. I just had to process it weirdly through humour.)
Thank you for reading it, I really appreciate it :meow-hug:
Okay I know what albinism is but the text keeps playing up like she's gonna do something evil and dastardly. It does seem like a vampire game tbf... Hmm....
yeeee
Okay yeah no, probably not for me, I've been in the same state my entirr life. Tons of moving around but I dunno who knows, probably fine. It blows that they moved you around so much though, that's fucked.
Yeah understandably y'know, that would absolutely not be any fucking fun. It's worth being cautious I guess, I would be in your shoes too in all likelihood. Hopefully you can find someone who is worth being vulnerable with sometime, tho.
Certified Silly Moment!!!! It can be hard to deal with but I think it's probably better than the opposite extreme at least, the never expressing anything. Sure as fuck doesn't make you or anyone else unlovable! (Yw, happy to help ✨)
No prob and thanks again for sharing, it's good stuff
Noo there are plenty of gay commie VNs like... Uh.... Fuck
I'm not going to spoil what happens as much as I want to. The VN does have vampire vibes but it isn't a vampire VN.
bit more
I mean it depends, did you keep the same social group during those moves? The trauma is more about breaking and reforming social groups to my understanding rather than actual distance. With that said, there's a reason I don't count the 4 moves this year, there's a difference between a move and a move and my experience is mostly with the latter.
I hope so too.
Yeah I mentioned it to my best friend and their reaction was basically "Sery don't fucking mess with kinks you're not 100% comfortable with it isn't healthy and it will impact you even if you think it won't." And you and they are both right it isn't and it did. Big whoops on my part. I guess my ex should've instead of just asking if I meant it when I said it didn't seem as bad as I expected, huh.
But what if I wanna be more like miss literally me from the evil orange book??? Clearly I should bottle it all up and forget my estrogen too while I'm at it.
woo!
Uh, moving after elementary school caused me to lose a friend group and then suffer through middle and high school, but not really I guess. Mostly I guess all the moves just badly upset my sense of permanence, made me weird about stuff and places. Really angry and shitty about it.
I believe u can
Nooooooooooo Maria Griffiths is a bad role model, look what I did
Do not become an estrogenless ball of sadness and trauma pls!
(They actually do make gay vns I just haven't read any)
spoiler
After elementary isn't quite as bad but it's still shitty and could've been a problem. It's worth exploring imo, if only to get more confident in your assessment of that part of your life.
Thank u :meow-hug:
I guess I shouldn't blame myself, yeah. I just feel like it's a case of my inexperience making me bad at relationshipping.
*removed externally hosted image* I'm sorry what. Actually please don't clarify I don't need to know. It sucks that she did that to you and I'm sure it wasn't your fault either :meow-hug:
Is it really that concerning...?
No, I will base my life off of the cool irresponsible trans woman who does drugs! :badeline-jokerfied:
I bet they're cringe!! I bet they're all like bad yuri manga!!!
spoiler
It could be that, but inexperience is also not your fault either. Absolutely not your fault, although I think it's worthy to note that it might be easier for young people to hurt eachother in relationships that way, not knowing better. Def some of that with me, which...
Um I think it is, a lot of normos probably wouldn't fuss it and just do whatever feels good for them, but in a loving relationship where all parties give a shit... if there's even a whiff of less-than-enthusiastic-consent, discussion needs to happen imo. Especially because you said outright you weren't comfortable with it, and then "it wasn't as bad" big honkin red flag for discussion to happen. I think especially anyone into kink like that should be more aware.
That's why we have an equal partnership, enthusiastic consent is extremely important when we've both been through trauma.
Lots of patience and care and open discussion along with respecting one another. Being very clear in what you want and don't. safe, sane, consentual are important rules to go by.
Right, I suppose I just haven't internalised what that all means yet, thank you both :meow-hug:
You're welcome ^^