her,,, expolde
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Ahhh okay got it now., thank you; I actually used to do that when I was younger but got told off, I think. Also getting told you cant laugh in public led me to lose my ability to laugh out loud pretty much.
mood frfr, i used to blush really easily but i was constantly bullied for it so now people think that i'm just emotionless humorless stoic
I think I just blushed once in my life lol I'm always thinking I'll get judged for displaying anything other than a smile at most and being stern, fucking sucks, I self police so much
Embrace the silly! We're here for a short time and gone for a long long time. Have fun and don't take anything seriously.
My inner self is an absolute control freak cause that's my broken self defense mechanism, apparently, which has this effect on my personality too
I mostly laugh a lot but it's the anxious laugh and its quiet. I derive my 'value' subconsciously from how good I do things/how 'productive' I am so I tend to take serious a lot of things that shouldn't to be honest
I completely understand. It may not be worth much coming from a stranger on the internet, but you're valuable just because you're you! You're as important and deserving of happiness as anyone else on this rock in space just because you're here. Deprogramming the toxic nonsense that we internalize in our youth is a process, it's going to take time. Try your best to have fun whenever you can and it will get easier.
My ass is going to therapy just so I can be told I'm valuable and not be a selfhating fuck with myself all the time lmao
Thank you, means a lot, my gut reaction is that I expect people to be aggressive towards me for no reason in particular, maybe broken defence mechanism idk
Speaking of fun, I have such weird conceptions about it. I grew up in a very uhh 'stoic' environment where I internalized the idead that fun is for 'weak' people and 'you dont want to be weak do you?' so as a teenager I went on rants about combating hedonism in the world lol. Cant say now I have a better relationship with fun, I still default to "it's not for me, I find other things fun than most" I'm confused about it tbh but oh well
thanks a lot tho:3
What do you like to do? Everyone's idea of fun is different.
"Intellectual" shit, history philosophy politics economics etc thats when I feel good and I'm enjoying myself tbh; maybe creative writing but I have permanent writers block, I know marxist theory isnt exactly recreational but whatever
and computers but kinda lost my passion for that prob depression
Hmmm, ok. It may help to find a local group that shares those interests. A reading group or something 'puter related. Just to be around people with common interests in a low stakes environment where you can cut loose a little bit and get more comfortable just being yourself.
Ah I'm in a nazi shithole sadly not that many opportunities for that tbf, I dont really know to relax I'm always on edge and have intrusive thoughts about being attacked or etc, my 'relaxing' activities are just more politics. I do enjoy reading fiction but I'm generally compulsive and tend to overdo it
sorry to jump in here but specifically i'm doing parts therapy and it seems to really be helping with things like this. the theory goes that inside everyone is a system made up of multiple parts (the film Inside Out is about this), and they, due to trauma and probably other things, can get "stuck" as a young age, or get stifled by other parts, etc. This "stuck"-ness leads to all manner of issues with emotional expression etc.
to resolve it, you basically externalize bits of yourself that are not calm/collected/curious/etc. (which Cool Therapist calls the "core energy"), give them names, and interrogate them. add a touch of radical self-acceptance "it's ok that you're feeling this way" and ask them what it would take to let go of the white-knuckle grip they have on your psyche, basically. It's corny as heck, but ... it actually kinda slaps, ngl. I've made so much progress in a few months with myself in understanding where I was stuck, and why I'm feeling certain ways, and being able to really understand some of the contradictions in myself.
i hope that you would consider trying some of this, even if it seems cringe at first. good luck!
I have heard of family parts system therapy! That sounds interesting, might give me the impulse to try it, thanks!! I do lock up easily when trying to see wtf I feel