her,,, expolde
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sunday night blues, angry, sad, whining from a place of extreme privilege, don't read
i don't want to work tomorrow. i don't care how much i get paid, my job sucks. i waste my whole life in meetings masking when i could be girlplaying video games, reading about autism, coding games, infodumping about programming online, watching One Piece, catching up on the huge backlog of communist theory I need to read to stop being such a lib, or listening to people. most of it these days at work is me trying to figure out wtf me and the people i'm responsible for are supposed to do with our time since no one tells me what the hell the priorities are any more. i'm just supposed to
, apparently.
oh yes, i'm so fucking empowered, except that if i guess wrong on which damn tickets a choose then people are gonna be mad, right? so in fact it's worse than if someone were trying to tell me what to do. who's even making the decisions? is it me? how am i supposed to decide? i don't care about the profits of this company lol, it's literally not doing anything that matters for the world. even if i did, barely anything i'm responsible for does numbers anyway, it's just tools that make other peoples' job easier. and, i just bought an entire whiteboard to keep track of who the hell i'm waiting for on each piece of work that anyone has ever mentioned that we could be doing.
i took a promotion while i was still a lib and barrelled into all of this PMC crap because the company can't keep dev managers around (perhaps ... due to the ambiguity of the work...?) and i like making technical decisions (ie. doing the one thing i'm good at in people's general direction). only reason i'm still at this job is that they pay me a lot and i can work from home and the PTO is like super generous for even my country, and I guess I feel responsible for the projects and people I've worked with/hired at this company. nobody micromanages me either, which is helpful since i struggle to be told what to do.
but i do have to do pointless paperwork each month that's filled with ambiguity. and budgeting for projects (no one has ever told me how to do this btw). i also have to decide raises, but i don't actually decide them, the cto does, so i guess there's like a magic number that i'm not allowed to know that i'm not supposed to go over. tech needs to fucking unionize so bad, i am so not qualified to argue with my boss about who "deserves" raises, wtf does that even mean?! everyone deserves them! in every job!! make the company a fucking worker's co-op instead of a subsidiary of a publicly traded dumb corp, and divide the profits amongst the workers, or something! why am i still working here and enabling this shitty system? i am the worst communist
looking forward to wasting the night counting down the minutes though until i have to go to bed at a "reasonable" time so that i can wake up and struggle to even half-ass the literally easiest and cushiest job on the earth.
my dad is retiring at the end of this month. him and I were talking about linux today, he's been working with Microsoft shit his whole life and he says he's just so done with the tech industry and he's basically given up working for good, and he hates his job too. he's excited to explore tech again now that he's not having to do tech for work. i mean i'm happy for him, but all i can really think about is <number> more years to go for me, and the fact that it's only <number> years is also horrible because how did i get to mid-30s and still be so broken?... it's my birthday this week btw, so as usual i'm just going to be grumpy for most of it. another year stuck doing things i don't want to do, affecting no positive change on the world, being scared for marginalized people the world over and not being able to do anything about it except try to treat the very few people that I can well, and i can't escape the lingering questions about whether or not i'm actually making things better, and what i can even do about that that's within my abilities.
my partner has reminded me that i made a lot of personal progress this year so i will...
reluctantly admit that he is right. i guess that is positive, at least.
is this the right place for a post like this or idk how bear site works
okay well
I mean a wellpaying, PTO heavy workfromhome job sounds sick but the actual work sounds like hell. If you're privileged, half this site is, 'cause I hear "my job is a useless PMC shitjob I hate" in the general mega sooooo much and it seems fair to me. Like yeah you are "privileged" but the work is soulsucking, right?
Seems like totally healthy, good desires to me. Those things are cool, I felt this way about my job which was way less bullshit but physically exhausting.
Arguing about who deserves raises is bullshit, but uh you work because we have to under this system, which is a hellsystem. I dunno, I don't think it's like morally wrong to take a job that benefits you if you can. Would it improve anything for anyone if you stopped working this job right now? (Other than if you could get a less bullshit, more fulfulling job)
Do you have orgs or stuff nearby? Could always join one of those if you could make any time?
Wait I never knew that, lol.
I watch the general megathread with enthusiasm, and aside from sad soft loverboys writing crushposts the other most common type of post is "this fucking emailjob I have is killing me jfc", lol.
The last time I remember writing in the general mega, it was to complain about a sudden health problem haha.
I knew this site appealed to a large demographic of class-conscious tech people, though I guess because I spend all my time between here and the poc mega I just don't encounter them much. Anyways I think of myself as fairly privileged, but said privilege depends on a working relationship with my parents which has not always in the past been working. So idk...
We have a lot of disillusioned tech people :3 also based places to spend your time.
You, privileged? I mean I guess, as long as you keep it up with your parents yeah. Idk how privileged that is.
True, true.
I'm just trying to get financial independence as soon as I can tbh.
Hoping it goes speedily and successfully for you
god i laughed so hard at "emailjob" why have i never ... hahahahahaha
way too much text, same warnings as above
it used to be pretty good, imo. we used to have a product manager that would set priorities and i had a good working relationship with him because he would figure out what to do and i and everyone else would figure out how. i would use my superpower of being super critical and detail oriented to figure out requirements etc. then, well, the company did layoffs, the product owner moved to a different job, our designer (who has implied to me that she is probably ND of some kind) is now thrust into the spotlight of product ownership across the whole company while being totally untrained and not wanting to do it (so she doesn't) and imo not really having the skills (neither do I, which is my point), and my boss says that the tech team decides the requirements, so mixed signals everwhere. at least the dumb "steering committee" meetings that i was supposed to be in and were an absolute disaster have been cancelled for like 4 months now. they were hilariously bad. if i hear an exec talk about ROI of fucking internet advertisements again, i'm gonna quit.
honestly, i think about everyone that is struggling, working much harder jobs than i, or unable to find or keep work. i feel like i have no right to complain when i've basically won the Bullshit Jobs lottery, and i feel awful about it when I think about how much people are struggling to make ends meet.
for instance, if i said any of this to my parents my dad would go
and my mom would go 
"i would love a job like yours."
yeah, i probably left a few things out, tech has been my earliest and longest running passion, but the tech industry suuuucks now, and it's depressing hearing about all the layoffs happening. every UlyssesT post could be directly from my soul.
sorry, i feel bad posting about this knowing what you're going through right now ...
it makes me feel so gross to be deciding how much money people are making, and i feel like i work less hard than the people that work "under" me. i also had to choose someone to lay off early this year... and i have just been not thinking about that. the ease with which i decided who, as well, absolutely disgusts me. she sent a thank you email for all the time i spent with her teaching her things, i have no idea how she is doing or if i fucked up her life.
i mean, we have a few and we've looked into some of them... it's not the biggest "city" here (although it's gotten a lot busier since i last moved here, and the rent is beyond insane with like a 1 bedroom being at like $2200/mo now) but i've seen posters for Fightback/CPC out here. do you know of them? i know one of them is affiliated with the trots, friend of mine was with the YCL for a while until she got too old and then did the CPC, called them a "book club" out here (or maybe that was before she moved here ... everything is kind of a blur lol)
i assume that everyone will all just be younger than me and hate me when they find out what I actually do, or that i won't be able to keep up with the reading. also, last time i volunteered at an organization (it was an orchestra) i ended up on the board within a year, in over my head, did a bad job, burned out, and disappeared off the face of the earth. i'm a little afraid to commit to anything now, and v. afraid of being around groups of people that I don't know... aaaaaa am i just making excuses?
sorry, thank you for the response, i really appreciate it, don't feel bad if i'm too much and don't feel obligated to respond
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Fucking classic, sorry your job got absolutely wrecked. That sucks, I'd be fucking pissed if my job got uprooted that way.
Okay but the "best" bullshit job is still a bullshit job, and in a capitalist system right?
Wtf I am literally relating to you. My job always had me like "My feet hurt I wish I was kissing my wife while posting online and reading gay little books"!!!!!! Smh!!!
Yeah... this, the layoff stuff, it's pretty fucking ugly and Idk what to tell you. I'd feel fucked up too if I was deciding people's livelihoods.
I have no idea what orgs are, sorry I'm a lib. The new Commie Party Canada iirc is some absurd "no war but the classwar" borderline queerphobic shit that's weird about China but, perhaps push them left?
I'm younger than you, seems cool? Also like, you know Engels right? Factory owner? I don't think your job position precludes you from doing good, probably. It's a shit position but eh... I understand being afraid to commit, burning out like that does sound bad but you could try again! Find a healthy balance maybe!!
You are welcome
big reply!
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oof sorry took me a long time to type out i started feeling a bit unwell, thanks for the response
I guess I've been going through some denial/bargaining/sadness about it, honestly. this is my first job i've lasted for more than a year at, and i would be fine until demands exceeded my needs and then i would just be unable to cope entirely.
i moved so a smaller city where downtown was like a 15 minute bus ride from my apartment and ... suddenly everything became possible. everyone is really laid back here and i feel a lot safer.
yeah, true.
regarding relating, sorry maybe i misunderstood.
edit: i think i understand now. i think you're mad because i'm feeling guilty about something that i shouldn't right?
yeah, luckily it's only once per year ... but ... thinking about it makes me feel ill.
i don't think i have the persuasive capacity and the assertiveness to push anyone any direction about anything that's not software related imo
i know there's also the one which just started (which i think is also IMT affiliated) but just knowing that there's people calling themselves leftists out there that wouldn't want queer people like me there makes me sad. i also don't want to get sucked in too deep when i'm scoping the place out. it's awful, i literally cannot say no to people, so i really avoid putting myself in positions like this where people might ask me for things.
i used to think i was so argumentative and difficult, but actually i was just overwhelmed, and actually my main struggle is probably people pleasing.
i certainly don't feel my age, i thought things were largely fine in my life until i started scratching beneath the surface this past couple of months in therapy and reading about ND stuff, and i honestly now feel like i stopped growing in like my teens sometimes, so ... idk, i have a lot of complicated thoughts about my age that i'm not sure how to unpack.
but yes, i enjoy talking to you, so i guess it does seems cool from my end at least :)
yeah, on good days, i feel like i can be the good boss, trying to advocate for people, make everyone's jobs easier, be really flexible about rules, etc. (there aren't really that many rules anyway). but, sunday night, i just get this feeling of being stuck there for 8 hours tomorrow. yeah, i slack off sometimes, reading silly posts on bear site helps, but i'm still in front of a computer that i don't own, in meetings i run (exhausting), and being interrupted every 5 minutes by some message or other that requires me to read paragraphs of information and context switch to one of the like 18 codebases i'm supposed to know everything about. and on slow days, 8 hours feels like an eternity to do nothing of substance to me. (trying really hard not to feel guilty about how i feel about that)
i wonder if there's an org that meets once every two months haha
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Ah I'm really sorry to hear this job fucked up then, that super fuckin sucks. Your first half decent job... I'm in a city that size or smaller, and yeah it's unnaturally chill here, which is cool.
Yes and because I literally relate to your thoughts ✨
This is why I never looked into commies and shit before hexbear frankly. It's not a super common position, but the Canada Communist Party, their statement has weird shit about "identity politics" and whatever the fuck. Eugh, reactionaries. Also given you have trouble saying no it does make sense to avoid stuff like that. "No" is a good skill, of course...
I'm not sure either, I'm some yappy little fuckin nerd. I get on with people somewhat older than me very consistently, but I don't have weird feelings about my age, lucky me lol. And I have liked talking with you too :)
God your job sounds like actual torture in all respects, my condolences. Even with good pay, pto and wfh I do not envy you this position, despite being "worse off" y'know. Helljob.
Once every two months would be rad! Please!!
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thank you so much for listening to me and replying btw, i hope i can return the kindness in some way
i've lived nearly in a bunch of places and have extremely detailed and nuanced thoughts on each city i've lived in and even visited. i would totally write long and detailed posts about all of them, but probably shouldn't.
i know one of my friends (this phrasing makes it sound like i have a lot of friends lol, i have like 2) just moved here from an even smaller town after she had to deal with some queerphobic shit, so i guess this is as small as i go.
well, then i declare i will not feel guilty anymore for feeling stifled by my job! ... or ... at least i will try to. thank you.
hexbear communist party when
yeah, i feel guilty here too for not doing more, thanks for saying that. and the duality of "avoid things that you can't say no to" and "learn to say no better" is not lost on me... maybe hanging around here will help me learn to be more assertive. or i could bug Cool Therapist about it when i see her next.
yeah, my partner says maybe i should look for a new job, and i told him "i don't want a new job, i want this job 2 years ago :(" but he's probably right. at some point, i'll need to leave and take a pay cut. or maybe things will get better here, idk it probably shouldn't stay like this if i'm this messed up about it that it takes me like 40 minutes to do a single post lol.
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You are welcome ✨ Uh if you respond to my weirdest posts I will consider it more than returned, but also dw about it.
Sad that city posts would be basically doxing, cause that would be cool... and yeah queerphobia, ech. There's a sweet spot for city size I guess.
As long as you try not to feel guilty that's what counts
HEXBEAR COMMUNIST PARTY NOW!!!
You should def bug Cool Therapist about it, but it would be rad too if hanging here lets you be more assertive. Be assertive at me!!!!
Yeeeeeah it might pay (not literally lol) to get out if it's crushing you so bad. Maybe you could use your experience with this job to get something semi comparable at least? I know job market is hellish though.
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tbh i want to frame this quote btw, i can't stop reading it it's so funny and has that quality that i can't quite describe, it's like the perfect assembly of words
I am building up a poster's rhythm and I'm flattered
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:takes-notes: respond...to...all...ashinadash...posts...during...work...hours. got it
ya, lucked out here, some nice scenery but terrible allergies here
i will try! also ... this is reminding me that i got like actually obsessed with xenoblade chronicles 2 when it came out and nia is literally the best character in that game imo, maybe worth a post...
it'll be a few weeks for CT tho, Cool Therapist is busy apparently lol and i got lazy making appts and didn't realize she was 3 weeks out
yeah, i'm getting close to that point. it's possible if i could find the right words that the well meaning people above me would know how to fix it, or that things will get better once i adjust to a new rhythm, or i get laid off with a nice severance lol. but i should start thinking about what next would be in case those things don't happen. (tbh i want next to be like a year off lmao). even just having a backup plan could help with the anxiety.
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It's more like uh, I dunno, I post weird things and nobody replies sometimes
"I showed you [whatever weird book screed] please reply"... Also allergies gang lol
Oh god Xenoblade, is it Xenoblade 2 time???
Ooooh that DOES sound cool! Sucks about long-off appointments but if you can do some asserting online in the meantime...
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tbh this is kinda why i didn't post online until recently, feels bad to work hard on post to try to start a conversation and have just no one respond.
you can always @ me and i will do my best :)
hmmmmm i am not sure i have a full post in my head about it unless i replay it again ... on emulator ... and somehow disable the dynamic resolution stuff. i like environments in games, XC2 especially, Gormott is one of the best video game places, and Uraya (also the OST for the game is SO GOOD its one of the few physical CD sets I own). I would probably want to boot it up and grab screenshots ... aside, I booted up the Riven remake in VR today and just kinda sat on edge of the transit platform and stared at the ocean for a life half an hour lol. good stuff, too bad the game runs really poorly. maybe i'll write up a post on that game tomorrow.
oh man, i could write posts about so many games, other things i like, etc, damnit i'm gonna do it, i'm gonna post!! even if no one replies!! maybe book reviews too...
True, my boss is a lib, and his boss is the CTO, and is generally very easygoing-seeming. They really like me I think, buuuutttt some of the things they've said in meetings, and some of the decisions are not great... plus maybe i can code again if i go somewhere else? hmm............ well, I have savings at least, so even if i walked out tomorrow i'd be good for a few months, so I'm at least prepared. wish i could just take a month off tbh, that'd probably change everything lol
I'll think on it, maybe talk to a recruiter sometime soon (god last I talked to someone a lot of jobs wanted people in the office some/all of the time). I think a night like tonight is not something I want to experience again, that dread, which would become regular, usually preceded completely losing a job in the past, either by quitting, or doing so bad I get fired. So I agree, I should do something so I feel less trapped.
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Taking a month off would slap, you not have enough pto for that? But yeeeeeeah fuckin libs, every time. I hope whatever you do is good for you and breaks this cycle of dread for you. I beleaf in you.
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I would if it were the beginning of the year, but I've been steadily taking the 4 weeks so far, just had a week off week before last, and I took my actual birthday day off this week, so that's at least nice. Could do it next year ... hmm. Also holidays are coming up too, 2 weeks is nice.
I wonder if they'd be amenable to an unpaid month off for me... I bet they'd prefer that to me quitting lol
There was a time where I thought a full-time job was impossible for me, so this is already a huge improvement. Usually I remind myself that all I need to do is show up. I don't need to be in perfect form, or even right on time, I just need to be present. That's what they want. Everything is easier if I can make it that far. And I don't need to be perfect in every way, or even competent in every way.
Maybe I'll sneak in a draft of a post in the morning then. I should take screenshots, maybe over lunch... I gotta figure out how to get a book into VR so that i can read in Riven (although canonically this is a really stupid idea the world is breaking apart and you probably have very little time to do <plot>, it's got those vibes). alas, the tech isn't there yet