Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
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Everyone's experience is different, but for me, I think trying to strictly categorize what my gender is through my feelings wasn't the right way to go. I'm trying to focus more on what I want rather than what I feel.
I wake up in the morning, and I don't FEEL like a woman? Doesn't matter, I want to be a woman.
Look in the mirror and FEEL like a man? Doesn't matter, I want to be a woman.
I think the feelings will follow after the confidence. I'm just following the joy, and that's where the joy is
Basically me:
(Dysphoria)
I remember talking about that on the last mega, and it really had me thinking about whether or not it was dysphoria for me. I realized that for the past week, when I had settled for feeling NB in a gendefluid context, I felt happy, and had less dysphoria. The thought of being able to be myself without binary gender when I wanted to, while also having access to binary gender when I wanted it, made me feel more comfortable with myself rather than more uncomfortable. It's something I realize now that I struggled with, I wanted them both, even if it wasn't at the same time. What happened when it was led to my current thinking. All of my feelings can fit under this label I've picked for myself, and it's not like I plan on being a cis man anytime soon, so it covers almost all of my bases and my (potentially) fluctuating feelings.
When I came to terms with the fact that I may be genderfluid, I had just come off of thinking I was solely a binary woman. Looking back, that left me feeling euphoric, but sort of trapped. I felt the need to conform to certain thought processes, conform in appearance, and fret about every single thing I did that stood out as either "manish" or "too androgynous". This is definetly not what it is for everybody, but it's what it felt like to me, and it took taking a step back to realize that I dig androgyny at times, and although I still feel dysphoric about a lot of things, I no longer feel dysphoric about looking more androgynous. As I work on my appearance, it feels like a win, and even euphoric in itself, rather than an inadequacy.
TL;DR: I'm probably way more enby than I gave myself credit for, but this again might fluctuate. And I'm always going to appreciate and find euphoria in femininity and being womanlike, I just don't like the feeling of being 'locked-in", as the kids nowadays would say.
By Marx, I just typed a giant post. Sorry 😅 just wanted to share my thoughts.
It's good ✨
I think we share a lot of the same feelings :]
Going NB/general queer lessened my dysphoria because of the lack of rules, too.
But for me, I found that when I wasn't in woman mode, I was just wishing that I was. I'm still NB and queer, and I'm not hung up on strictly adhering to any binary, but I want to engage with all the weird gender stuff with woman as the foundation rather than genderless or man.
But who knows, I'm on the gender carousel with you
Edit: aren't you supposed to be asleep? Lol
Yea, since two hours ago. I had a lot of things to do (mess with my phone config), and a lot of thoughts in my head (big gender is preventing me from getting my 8 hours
)
Also like the phrase "Gender Carousel", sums up the feelings well 😉
For me, it kind of feels like what I want is all over the place. I want to be a woman, but sometimes I don't want to be in the binary, and sometimes being a woman feels a bit off. If I could pick, I would choose both so that I would get to experience the best of each. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that entails, and while I fret over technicalities, it doesn't really matter too much to me. Nothing has physically changed for me, I'm just doing what makes me happy, and reveling in the complexity of gender seems to satisfy and stimulate my brain 😁. Can make for some weird feelings though, I'll say that 😅