want to share something that you don't think deserves it's own thread? wanna chill with your trans homies? wanna support your trans comrades? do it here!
want to share something that you don't think deserves it's own thread? wanna chill with your trans homies? wanna support your trans comrades? do it here!
Questioning, some descriptions of body image issues/dysphoria(?)
I've been thinking about gender issues for a while and I don't know what to do about it. It's something I think about a lot and there's a lot of other things tied into it which are hard to untangle.
I starting having these kinds of feelings about 3 years ago. I was hanging out in generally left-wing/LGBT-friendly online spaces before that, so I knew what trans people were, but I only really started having these feelings myself when COVID hit. I've always been relatively physically androgynous/feminine for an AMAB person, but even so I've been wishing that I was more feminine. I don't feel a huge incongruity with the way my body is, and sometimes when I look/dress particularly androgynous I actually kind of like the way I look. That being said, I've still been noticing that I have more facial/body hair compared to a few years ago (along with other subtle things I can't quite name) and I really do not like that, and I'm really worried about further changes like that. I feel like it's going to be hard to achieve/maintain the level of femininity I want without medically transitioning, but I'm not entirely comfortable with being physically a woman either.
In general, I act pretty much like the stereotypical "socially-awkward male nerd", and while that isn't a particularly "masculine" social role, I also sometimes wish to be perceived as more feminine in this regard. When I'm with people I'm close with, I generally act cool and sometimes sarcastic. I tease people a lot (in a friendly way, though I wasn't always good at controlling that) and I'm good at verbally sparring when they make fun of me back. But sometimes I want to act cutesy or be more openly affectionate, and I can't because I feel too vulnerable doing so. This makes me feel like I'm too cold and too closed off if I want to be feminine, (though IDK if it's great to think that because it's kind of buying into gender roles).
The only person that I really trust that I've spoken to recently is an online friend who's a cishet guy (well, we've met in person but we live far enough apart that it's not super convenient), and he's supportive but it's not really something he knows how to help with. I've also talked about this with another online friend who is queer, but I haven't spoken to them a while (we drifted apart a bit due to circumstances in their life). I haven't told anyone IRL and it takes a long time for me to really trust people, so I basically don't have anyone to support me IRL. I don't think my parents are outright hateful, but I don't think they really understand LGBT stuff either, so I really want to be sure before I tell them anything. I'm also looking to work as a programmer, and I'm uneasy with presenting as not-male in my work life.
I've read through a bunch of the commonly linked trans resources but I still haven't really done anything about it. I live in one of the less awful states; there are informed consent clinics near me and I have enough money for that, so I feel like I'm fortunate compared to a lot of trans people. I've had some idle dreams about buying some feminine clothes, but I'm too lazy? scared? to even try that. I'm not sure if I'm that uncomfortable with my body or if I really want to be a woman that badly compared to the stories I've read. I'm worried that it's not a real feeling because I can't really recall any signs more than 3 years back. I'm unhappy in my life but there are a lot of reasons for that aside from (possibly) being trans. One part of me is scared of waiting too long to start transitioning, but another part of me is scared of having to learn to live as a trans person (or even just as not-male) in an increasingly fascist United States. I feel like I have to make a decision relatively soon, and it's just completely paralyzing.
There's a lot of other things I want to say but I'm not sure if this is coherent as is so IDK.
E can do a lot of things but it doesn't really make you "physically a woman". It can change your moods (and overall psychology if you let it) to a slight degree, your appetite/metabolism, muscle/fat growth and by extension your physical appearance, but there are also transmasc and nonbinary people with similar bodily traits.
Whether or not you're a woman is a bit tautological, as it's based entirely on the belief of you being or not being a woman. This is even true of cis people, because gender is a social construct. You can be a woman right now, or you can be a man while on HRT, and the way you carry that mindset with you will color your bodily changes. HRT isn't a magic gender changer, it is a tool to upend the ways your body and mind are incongruous.
The mood changes you get on E can absolutely apply some WD-40 to rusty and disused emotional availability. But it won't make you suddenly change your entire personality or interests — unless you've been looking for an excuse to open up and explore those things. I'm still a sarcastic asshole nerd affected by 2000s gamer culture, but now I can cry and enjoy the emotional warmth of other people without having a chip on my shoulder (and wear pretty dresses without feeling like I want to shed my skin).
Having a support system makes things way less daunting. Even just having some people to videochat with would help a little if you can manage it
This is a legitimate concern, yeah...you might have to test the legitimacy EEOC at times. Some companies will be chill about it but you can generally sus this out in the interview process because they will act positively but a bit squirrely if they genuinely want to work with you. If they maintain the fake-nice facade all the way through they will weasel out of their responsibilities the moment you become inconvenient. That's just kind of the reality of being us.
This kind of rhetoric is so common among questioning people who eventually come out that a lot of people would just start calling you an egg
at this point. Society 
puts so much pressure on people to conform to cis-normative ideals that when you start to question them you really can't pinpoint when exactly you stopped believing in them. Some of the most binary fem-presenting transwomen out there spent their early 20s as muscle bros trying to run away from femininity. Some of us end up being gamer dorks but slightly softer. Some are EDM composers or roboticists or welders who flip off the patriarchy when it questions why they don't build their personality around gucci handbags (not that it's wrong to like tradfem stuff, but the point is we shouldn't put femininity in a box and sell it. Cis women even have many routes of expressing themselves).
Where you come from doesn't matter. If you truly believe that the simple act of being and becoming yourself comes before the pre-molded slot that patriarchy requires you to fill, then you're just as queer as the rest of us.
I started 10 years after I knew. Do I have regrets? Sometimes. Do I appreciate how my life has been shaped by the path I took? Absolutely.
The road to living authentically under capitalism is inherently risky. So, as you're aware, it's imperative that you treat each decision you make with care and respect. But to live in paralysis will not allow you to discover who you really are. We're not just talking about a costume that you wear around to put on a show for others. What we're asking here is who are you? Who is nightshade? Is it worth risking your life to become you? Is it worth risking you to continue as you are?
If you can answer those questions, the question of whether or not you need hrt to express yourself will be small potatoes by comparison.
Also feel free to ask questions if you've got em.
Thank you for responding.
Clarifications and more questions
I guess that what I meant by that is that there are some major draws to HRT, but I'm scared that some of the effects might go further than what I wanted. Like, having less facial/body hair is something I want for sure, but I don't know if I'd be entirely comfortable if I had a lot of breast growth. I'd want to have a bit of an androgynous/twink-ish figure compared to an average woman. But I'm also worried that if I don't start HRT then my body will start changing in ways I don't like. I know it's an old adage, but I'm pretty young now and I feel like there are some physical qualities I like about myself that I would lose if I wait too long.
One of the idle fantasies that I've had is to get to the point where I can pass as either male or female based on how I dress or style my hair. I would present as an effeminate guy for the next few years my work life and only dress up fem for friends. But as of right now, I don't have any to go out with IRL, and am I really going to get dressed up to stay home and play video games? IDK.
IDK, I want to try clothes that look more feminine, but the kinds of clothes I like are more towards the androgynous end. I'm not sure how to describe what I like; I don't want to be too girly girl but "tomboy" and "butch" aren't quite the right way to label it either. Like, generally I just imagine long-sleeved shirts and pants, which is what I wear right now. I know that clothes made for women generally look subtly different, but at the same time I'm worried that those subtle differences will be hard to see with the way my body is now. I always get anxious about spending money and I don't want to buy stuff that I end up not liking.
The part where I struggle with this idea is that I feel that under capitalism, living inauthentically is necessary to some degree anyways. I'm not really openly about my beliefs IRL; while most of the people I interact with in person aren't outright awful to be around, there's still the occasional attack helicopter joke or dumb political comment and I don't have it in me to argue about it (I know my beliefs should require me to confront people more often but I'm too much of a coward). When I speak with people I'm not friendly with, I generally feel like I'm just reading off a script to get through the conversation. Especially in the work life example; if I'm expected to pretend I don't find capitalism abhorrent for 40 hours a week anyways, is it really that much worse to pretend one more thing to avoid discrimination? I don't want to put on a show for other people all of the time, but sometimes I feel like I could put up with doing that part of the time to avoid trouble. I wish that I was more brave, but there's already so many things to worry about, and the idea of adding the pressures from being trans or being a girl on top of that seems daunting.
It's not super noticeable as far as I've seen. Most of us are still shaving, epilating/waxing, and/or using laser hair removal to take care of the majority of this. It will, however, stop male-pattern baldness in most cases.
That's not something anyone can really predict for you. Anecdotally it seems to mostly hinge on family history, the age you start, dose method (people seem to think injections work best for breast growth), and whether you take progesterone. I've heard arguments for and against most of these. Whether or not your body decides to undergo major visible changes will be up to a roll of multiple dice, basically. In my case I look a little bit like my mom when she was my age.
For transfems in the very-binary mindset, I try to urge them to be content with the path their body takes them on (as surgery can be prohibitively expensive for most), but in your case I can't make any guarantees. Breast reductions in transfeminine people are probably a thing that exist, but I personally wouldn't know how to navigate that, as western medicine tends to have a very set path of progression designed for binary transpeople.
As an aside, I would personally not recommend edging your E extremely close to zero (I've heard people mention this to avoid the risk of major body changes) as it will negatively impact bone growth and make them quite brittle over time.
E won't stop you from changing or aging. I have grey hairs; you can still get female-pattern baldness. I didn't have stretch marks before. It's become quite difficult to maintain any muscle when it used to feel effortless, and you'll tend to hold onto more body fat. Some of these things may be desirable, some might not. You might be able to wrangle them to a small degree with diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes, but if you're spending all your time alive fighting your own gene expression I think there's a point where you'll have to sit down and decide what is a priority for you. I take hrt because it makes my life more bearable. If it didn't then I wouldn't have bothered.
This is pretty doable, possibly even right now. In the hegemonic culture, most people tend to base their judgement of someone else's gender presentation based on visual signifiers and vibes. They struggle to really understand identity in a way queer people do, so if you drastically change your presentation they tend to just go with what you show them instead of what you tell them. In queer spaces identity will trump presentation regardless of what your body is up to.
Anything stopping you?
You could get dressed up to videochat with people? Also I wear women's pajamas when I stay at home and play video games.
The best way to handle this is to just continually try stuff on at the store until you find something you're happy with. Most of my early clothes were thrifted and I didn't make any larger purchases until I had a good idea what sizes and styles suited me. It's just something that takes a bit of patience, but once you figure it out it gets more intuitive.
As someone who's spent the past decade pursuing this, I don't think so. I think it can seem necessary to live inauthentically if you value your identity like a fashion accessory. But I know people for whom this is a life or death question. For them, living authentically is something they are absolutely willing to give up a lot of comfort for, and for whom living inauthentically feels like a death sentence.
Taking on the pressure of being trans is daunting, of course. I'm not saying it isn't or that you're morally required to categorize yourself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be scared to take the plunge, because most of us are. But at the heart of it, which more or less reiterates my last comment, this is about your very core, the definition of yourself, and what you value as a human being. Aesthetics are part of it but they aren't the whole of it. So if the question of what it means to live begins and ends at aesthetics, then I don't think hrt will bring you closer to your goals. Estrogen will fundamentally change the basic functioning of every cell in your body.
If you keep coming back to transitioning no matter how hard you try, I would sit with a little thought experiment for a while. Give yourself permission to transition and see if it changes anything. Once the anticipation is gone, the way you feel about it might surprise you.
also seconding what Ideology said, and adding that your description is super similar to me, so feel free to send any questions if that helps. Regarding the paralysis for me I eventually decided to trust in my instincts instead of trying to rationalize everything, but that had to do with how strong my conscious-level self repression was. Letting my emotional instincts open up then let me start recognizing bits of euphoria and dysphoria and start addressing those individually without worrying if they aligned with any kind of social gender i had in mind, which works well for me. Also nice account name, nightshades are my favorite group of plants.
Pure Ideology!
Also, hey, Ceres, fancy seeing you here!
don't have anything to add from what others have said, or any crumb of wisdom to pull from my life to help yours.
But all you've said here resonates so much with me, it's like an echo. I've been thinking about it a bit longer, and I've (finally, slowly) managed to make decisions about it. Hopefully you can too!
seconding basically everything ideology said
i can't say whether you're trans or not, only you can do that. but i know that i spent years more or less looking for permission to let myself be trans and to let myself transition. once i freed myself of that, and made the decision on my own, i entered the best years of my life. your words are almost identical to the things i said to myself, to the things i've seen other trans people say to themselves, to the point where if you edited the tenses i would just be like "yeah. this is a trans woman reminiscing on how she was before coming out, basically in line with every other one of these."
if you want you can be a woman, or woman adjacent, or something else entirely that still isn't a man. you can just do that