Turns out I’ve got major gender problems and wish I had been born a girl. [Removed as it was pointed out how problematic and doomer my sentiment was] I'm well past puberty and am very masculine-looking. The dysphoria’s gotten worse over the years though, or maybe the gender affirming feelings have gotten more tempting as I’ve stopped being in denial so much and have explored a bit of transitional stuff — shaving, doing my hair different, less masculine clothing. But I just don’t know what to do next.
I’m terrified by the idea of trying to hormonally transition, mostly because I have a very high sex drive and am very attached to it. Dysphoria about the shape of my genitals aside, I do want my dick to keep getting hard, I want to still be able to orgasm from using it, and I want to still produce cum for my partner to enjoy. From what I’ve read hormonal transitioning would eventually disable all of those, and I feel for me that would be even worse than not transitioning.
I’m also pretty strong and muscular, and I don’t want to lose that muscle and put on a bunch of fat from going on estrogen, which I’ve seen happen to couple friends who’ve transitioned.
So, hormonal transitioning looks too risky for me. Still, I thought maybe I could still achieve a good degree of comfort with non hormonal transitioning, maybe getting rid of all the body hair for a start. But when it comes to non hormonal transitional steps it all feels so incredibly daunting. I’ve been “blessed” with prodigious masculinity, the ability to grow hair all over my body like a beast. Shaving is a pain and I grow hair so fast that my face turns into stubble in less than a day after shaving.
Nonhormonal transitional steps I’ve considered: Shaving all over. Problem: I’ve only shaved a bit of my body and it gets really old and time-consuming really fast.
Laser hair removal. Problem: Supposed to be very expensive, and it works better on people with white skin and light, fair hair, neither of which have I (EDIT: CORRECTION: works better with dark hair so at least I have that going for me). In particular the at-home DIY machines do not work as well in those use cases, and without training there’s more risk of damaging your own skin trying to do it.
Electrolysis hair removal: I had a bit done in the past on my face. It was not super effective, takes a lot of sessions, and was very painful even with a local anesthetic cream. On top of that, while I might be able to have it done on much of my body it is impossible to have done on my face because of Covid — I’d have to take off my respirator and that’s not happening unless I could find a practitioner wearing an N95 in an isolated room with heavy air filtration.
More drastic nonhormonal steps — facial feminization surgery, breast implants — are even more inaccessible because at this point very few healthcare practitioners give a shit about Covid so it’s nigh impossible to see a surgeon or even get to a gender care clinic. Regardless, the uncontrollable hair is a big barrier — I wouldn’t want to consider other options before getting it dealt with in the first place.
Everything seems so painful, risky, and dauntingly expensive to the point where idk how I could afford it anyway.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you, comrades.
it’s way too late to do anything about it now though, I'm well past puberty
Sorry for jumping down your throat in a second, but that shit needs to be dressed, and by that i mean i have to call it out. I get how common this is, but it's still wrong and that needs to be corrected.
What you have there is a toxic mindset that's actively harmful to all trans people who aren't lucky enough to have gone on puberty blockers before any physical changes happened. Which is practically all of us. You're telling literally every single trans person i know, me, my closest friends and everybody i dated or crushed on over the last years that you find something's fundamentally wrong about our bodies and that you reject us and see us as failures. That assumption is as wrong, flawed and reactionary as it is insulting. I can't even get into how insulting it is because that would get this post deleted for hostility and getting this out there is too important for that.
People forget how incredibly rare it is to avoid first puberty entirely, most trans folks don't even crack early enough to make it an option in theory and that's before all the hurdles like transphobic parents, medical gatekeeping or genocidal legislation. Most of the underage kids who are in gender affirming care in the first place only got there after they started going through most of or a significant part of their first puberty, taking blockers to prevent it from progressing further. Most people also can't afford FFS, either and we're still out there living our lives. I know a ton of trans girls who transitioned in their 30s or 40s who "pass" (fuck passing, btw) and look hot, myself included. The idea that you need to avoid your first puberty to "successfully" transition is incredibly transphobic and cissexist egg shit and you can't do yourself a greater favor than cutting that reddit bs out ASAP. I know that's easier said than done, i know that the first steps in a process that takes literal years are daunting, but it starts paying off early on already and a closet ain't a place to live. I can tell you that much, i've tried running away from these truths for a couple decades and i'm honestly surprised i am still alive after doing that to myself. Being an instantly clockable trans woman is still better than perfectly passing as something that makes you miserable.
As far as the dick stuff goes, you can train your body to get erections on E, it just means you need to keep at it and get hard every other day or so. That's ofc tricky for most of us, but viagra works fine, most of the transfem tops i know use it and these people have way better sex lifes than your average cissie loser. I'm not exaggerating here, i know so many transfems who seriously start living in a fucking porno once they're past the first few years of questioning and getting their shit together and accepting themselves for who they are (and yes, all of them are people who started out in the same place as you, because i do not know anybody who got on hormones before they were 20 at the earliest). Coming to terms with your own queerness is one of the biggest game changers when it comes to getting laid, i seriously don't know a single transfem who had a better dating life before she came out (caveat: i don't hang out with straight trans women, things might be more difficult for them). You can't function in relationships when you completely fake who you are.
Thank you for calling that out, I've removed it so as not to perpetuate a harmful myth, and I'm sorry for engaging in it. I hadn't meant it in that way but I see the implications and yeah they're not great or even what I believe about other people. There's a weird double-standard going on for me I think, like "oh all these other people have transitioned but I could never" and I'm not sure it's entirely logical.
"Everyone's (X) but me" is actually a very common thing among dysphoric trans women, i see that al the time. I mean, i get it to a degree, i have bottom dysphoria in spite of being completely fine with my partners not having bottom surgery. How we see our body isn't necessarily the same as how we see others. But there's some basic viewpoints that will come back to haunt trans people if we don't question them, and the whole "it's over" meme is absolutely one of them.
·5 months agoit works better on people with white skin and light, fair hair
correction, dark hair.
Oh cool thanks for correcting me on that! I got so disheartened when I misread that that I stopped looking at it.
re: hormones. anecdotally i know a bunch of trans women whose dicks still work. they still get hard, they still orgasm, and they still produce cum. similarly, i know trans women who didn't lose any muscle while on e. you'd need to work out a bunch and it takes effort, but it's very possible
ultimately it is your choice, but neither of those two factors are as insurmountable as you seem to think
I’m terrified by the idea of trying to hormonally transition, mostly because I have a very high sex drive and am very attached to it.
Are you in the US? If so, I think a lot of that is the spiro, rather than the E itself. Unfortunately the US doesn't approve of other medicines for use as an anti-androgens. But you could try monotherapy as a way to avoid that. My libido has generally been a nuisance, so I specifically wanted spiro, but my doctor just asked if I wanted it or not. Not sure if high sex drive-> harder for monotherapy to work though
You could also try to see if insurance will pay for things like laser (I think some do?). I'm not sure how common it is, so I wouldn't get your hopes up unless you are willing to move somewhere that requires coverage.
I'm gonna point out a few things quickly about hormonal transition cause I was worried about a few of the same things and found that my worries were for naught. I'm not trying to convince you another way but I also see a lot of myself here.
Dick working
My dick works very well after like 8 months of estrogen and like 4 months of being solidly in women's levels. Yes, horny is different, but it's still there. Estrogen mono therapy with injections is what I would recommend for this - avoid t blockers is what I would individually say. I get hard though, to maximum hardness and also t cream is an option I've known multiple trans tops to go on and they love it.
Re:horny - honestly was also scared of this but my god the horny is so much better now. I still get horny but it's not like... All encompassing horny for me. Or like this thing that makes me go masturbate. I def like it better and was a bit surprised by that. Before transition I was also like really attached to my sex drive and it's still there but it feels like this ball and chain has been removed from myself lmao
Cum
Yeah, I mean this is still way less for me, but eventually this may go away. You should weigh your options here because yeah I was kinda sad about it but I decided it was worth it. I still produce cum 8 months in.
Strong and muscular
Yeah. Me too. I love my muscles. My gender is being a muscle girl, I've been building these for years and years and I don't want to lose them. I have cis woman levels and am hitting new PRs for deadlift, leg press, etc.
For upper body I have lost some strength on purpose but I'm back at it now that I look good in a dress and tbh I've maybe lost 20% of my strength up top. I can still bang out like 10-15 pullups and bench my bodyweight... Easily.
But honestly I mostly care about my deadlifts, I'm just trying to keep the upper body muscle for looks. I am certainly not weak as hell like many trans women with noodle arms (that's many trans women's genders which is cute and good too).
My abs are slowly getting covered but hey. Again it's a calculus and there are drawbacks. But nothing's perfect.
Ok: laser. Yes gonna be expensive and painful. I'm sorry.
For body, I have been using an IPL and the difference is day and night. At home braun silk 5 is amazing. Don't use this for your face. I used to have to shave every other day now it's every 2-3 weeks
For face - yeah, this sucks. You're gonna have to go in and get laser done. It's worth it but slow and painful. I'm sorry.
You can request that they wear an N95 mask, maybe supply one to them? IDK what the protocol is for this one
Ffs: yeah I mean I would do the hair first and see where you're at.
Breast implants: you would be surprised how effective padded bralettes are to change your silhouette. This doesn't help with body dysphoria though.
At home braun silk 5 is amazing. Don't use this for your face. For face - yeah, this sucks. You're gonna have to go in and get laser done. It's worth it but slow and painful. I'm sorry.
Is this because the facial skin is thinner and can get damaged more easily, so a professional grade device with a trained practicioner is needed? If that's the case are there other parts of the body that should not be treated with an at-home ipl device and should be done with laser by a professional, e.g. armpits, groin, scrotum?
The hair is the worst part, even just shaving parts of my body I feel so much better
Thank you for the response and sorry I took so long to get back to it, this stuff is emotionally daunting to confront and I guess I avoid it and put it off til I have the bandwidth to consider it more.
And I guess lastly do laser and IPL permanently remove the hairs over time, or if people stop doing the treatments for a few years do they grow back? I tried reading some stuff about it and it wasn't clear; some places said "it's not permanent" If I'm going to take a risk of going go for an in-person unmasked appointment I'm going to need . Although one article mentioned that laser should be done by a dermatologist, and unfortunately it seems most doctors in my area that I've encountered don't take covid seriously anymore.
Fuck this is all so overwhelming. I imagine in order to get insurance to cover it I'd have to be out to a healthcare practitioner too like my therapist, or see a trans-specific doctor?
The reason why IPL won't work on the face is that it just doesn't have enough power to kill the follicles. For AMAB people hair follicles in the face are deeply rooted and strong in a way that is not the case in other parts of the body
Laser and IPL both cause permanent hair loss but just note you have a lot of hair in different cycles so this takes a while.ipl is much lower power so you're also not going to kill as many but you will definitely thin the hair out significantly. Like my leg hair takes a while to grow back and I only shave like every once in a while now. For body IPL should suffice though.. imo.
Laser yeah I think it's pretty permanent but it's not going to get everything. You'll have to finish up with electrolysis. Unfortunately this whole thing is a multi year process though you'll start seeing results somewhat quickly.
Re:covid I think you'll easily be able to request they wear a mask. They should also be sanitizing the decises like between customers. What other actions do you want them to do to be covid safe?
with regards to sex drive and producing cum, I've heard of women being prescribed topical T gel to be rubbed on the genitalia to preserve function, along with utilizing cialis.
This isnt an issue if you dont completely obliterate your testosterone, which i wouldnt recommend anyway cause wow its not fun, we need a lil of that
Agree. Not an issue. Also the worry I had about load size pretty much went away entirely after I lost the guy horny. Like who tf cares about load size lol
i could have written this myself. im basically at your phase right now.
(CW some dysphoria/self doubt thoughts/health anxiety ahead)
i'm solidly middle aged now and the thought of having to work out nonstop to maintain my mombod makes me exhausted just thinking about it
that and i am agonizing over (what i perceive as) going from being a supposedly attractive middle aged guy to a (what my fears think will be) a fucked up looking butch monster woman. i used to have a really feminine face but age has masculinized it. i don't think HRT will turn back the clock
and my muscle mass and activity level is keeping me somewhat trim and i'm so afraid HRT will slow me down and make me gain shit loads of weight.
that and everything is in crazy equilibriam. i'm privileged to be bafflingly healthy despite my attempts to circumvent it when younger. i'm so afraid changing my hormones will upset some balance and give me super cancer or destroy my immune system. everything seems so fine tuned and i'm terrified of going the doctor route and getting a shitty doctor or being put on a list
everything else you wrote i have felt, am feeling, and also mulling over constantly
ACTUAL ADVICE:
only difference is i long ago abandoned orgasms that require being erect. if you want to explore your options there, get a cheap magic wand or knock-off and see if that works for you. it can give some real gender euphoria once you realize you can get off in an amazing way without an erection.
my partner is AFAB but was never really into penetration until more recently. if you enjoy that you can always try a good strap-on.
experienced transfemmes on HRT will probalbly tell you your sex drive changes more then simply "decreases". it's a metamorphosis and there's always viagra!You don't have to go on hormones but I have two things to note on the drawbacks you mentioned: 1- Some women use local testosterone cream on their genitalia to preserve functionality. This would not affect feminization of the rest of your body. 2- It definitely is harder to build muscle on estrogen but not impossible. If your friends weren't exercising, the muscle loss will be much more prominent. Strength-wise you will end up similar to a cis woman of your height with a comparable lifestyle.
I sadly don't have recommendations about non-hormonal steps but I wish you the best on all fronts.
You'd generally start on a low dose of E, i didn't like what waa happening while taking blockers after a year, so i cut my dose and stopped taking blockers
its all scary though i think thats normal
Someone here told me that they've been on feminizing hormones for a long time and their dick still works as it did pre transition. Just takes a little more time to get hard.
Why do you suppose electrolysis wasn't effective for you? I've never heard of that not working
Thanks.
I though OP made an edit to say she has light skin, but the edit only said she has dark hair.
I edited the comment to remove bad advice.
Light brown skin, dark hair. It's a little confusing sometimes because race is a fucking construct but it still trips me up, like I swear my brown mother is lighter than some white people. I thought she was white before I learned what race is. I'm darker than most white people, enough to never burn in the sun but still rather light if that makes sense?
high spiro dose is the big thing that makes your dick not work. there are ways to keep functionality while being E dominant, just talk to your doctor about it and go to a doc on a local trans healthcare list
