Sending good vibes to all of my trans comrades 
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even more weirder sex posting, cw trauma discussion again
I'm sorry for flooding the mega with all this gay sex stuff. I can stop if you want. I just like gathering my thoughts here and replies are good Idk. I love you trans mega.
This whole, "being emotionally present and involved in sex" bit, it's kinda hard and kinda sucks. Nobody warned me about this!!!
Without getting into the gritty stuff, a recent volcel violation ended up not going that well, nothing serious just minor communication flubs, bit of old emotions, stuff. I completely and utterly flipped my shit though, I was like 200% mad, agitated and wanting to be alone and suffering a lot
Partly I think it's because it reminded me of every single post-sex with my ex, which always sucked and left me feeling gross and ashamed and shit. I do not ever want to be in that space again. I think I was also just utterly galled that I've put so much time and work into getting through all this stuff and being clear on what I want, and things STILL did not fucking work out! How fucking dare!! I don't fucking wanna have bad sex again goddamnit
I fucking quit!!!
As wifey says, you cannot expect literally all sex to be great and go well, which makes sense. Sometimes stuff is just gonna not work. But it proves that I was right to not instantly throw myself back into it and try something super kinky or whatever; I do in fact need to take it slow, because Idk, this is the first time in my entire life that I am in my body the way I want to be, sexually, so stuff is gonna come up like this. There will probably be more instances of past baggage rearing their head as I move forward with this. Just have to take it easy.
...I really wish I had better emotional regulation, god I'm such a fucking loser when it comes to flipping out
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I like reading your gay sex stuff, although I'm sorry its sad gay this time
I really don't know what you're going through, but the 200% suffering thing is very real. I am glad you aren't now though.
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It is unusual what I'm going through, basically for my entire life before the last few months I was utterly disconnected and had 0 feelings during sex, due to a mix of trauma baggage, a lil gender incongruity and honestly cyproterone-acetate was crushing out my libido. The gears are greased a lot more easily when 25mg or 50mg of cypro isn't destroying any desire you might have with depressive effects. So I'm inhabiting a new space, in terms of personal perception, and working out the metaphorical kinks in it. And yes thank u ✨
Emotional regulation is a fuckin trick, can you imagine not losing your shit every time you feel strongly?
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No I cannot. And apparently E makes emotions stronger? Lord have mercy.
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I thought it was funny idgaf
Yeah it can be pretty tumultuous with the tism, I found I've also acquired better emotional control generally since estrogen though. Just... not for trauma
I forget that autism can effect emotional regulation. I always just think of it as your stereotypical screaming meltdown (which I don't really do). I should look into that more.
Yeah you should!!! Autism is funny and also unfunny sometimes!!
Me when people upvote my weird traumadumps
I appreciate your posts about this because I relate and I feel like maybe I see a glimpse of my future dealing with it (which to me seems pretty positive generally!)
Wife knows best
It has been pretty positive =) this thread postdates a lot of the most painful suffering but tbh, I did not really start working at it till a few months ago anyway. Has been productive and I'm lucky to have a supportive and patient partner, who does know best in fact