Remember to follow the Traaa com rules or else you are liable for any action that mods deem necessary

IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)

On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!

Do you love transgenders?

Do you love communism?

Do you love queer romance?

Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?

Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?

Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?

All of the answers should be: YES I DO or else I WILL BAN YOU

Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY

The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists pigmask-off , Zionists hamas-base (they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The 'Anarchists' (social chauvanists) lenin-dont-laugh in Bosporus, and the monarchs gui-trans of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.

On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union soviet-chad is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain left-unity-4 )that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human bridget-disco , Shimmi kbity-how (Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran transshork-happy (a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.

First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist three-heads-thinking leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home chad-stalin , but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. specter

As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack...

And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.

Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands

All are Communists steban

All serve the Union USSR

All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism comrade-stoic

but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt

Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?

Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)

FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/

please do or else I will pout incessantly

just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK

(I miss her, she was a real one)

REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ

Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat

As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.

Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.

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  • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
    ·
    2 months ago
    yesssss long pooooosttttt looking for grooouuup

    I know a lot stems from being alienated because of stuff at home growing up with abuse and other things, being autistic and not really being able to form any friendships in school and then as I moved from Primary to Secondary I then got bullied too on top so it kind of left me with nobody to help or talk to and such, this was pre-internet days so it's not like now where you can just go online I spent most of my childhood trying to escape the reality and sometimes hiding under the bed and shutting myself away from my family.

    I had a million thoughts about this, but they all collided, and they're just fragments, and they're gone now. But I can relate to some of it, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

    As far as friends I've never had a friend group so it's easy, I've had a few relationships and two of those were abusive too so it also had a contributing factor in me being able to trust people, especially when I've been on the receiving end for a lot of my life before I transitioned.

    god so much compassion for you right now (I hope that's not too corny to say). I went through some extremely dysfunctional relationships, I know NDs are horrifyingly more likely to go through this kind of thing.

    She is based, we're best friends and like we think very similarly and the best thing to ever happen to me. She's the only person to truly get me as a person.

    literally that's so awesome

    is one-on-one conversation required?

    wow! i'm actually really happy that you took those questions seriously, I was expecting them to be kinda glossed over since most people don't think about this stuff like I do - or, like we do.

    I think I separate the friendship/acquaintances to how deeply they know you so to speak (this is what makes sense in my head) like I have had people who chat to me about random shit but nothing really deeper.

    Yes!!! This makes sense!!! I have been struggling with this ALL WEEK!!! What do I want, what do I need? I want people to deeply know me!!! That's the answer! Thank you!!

    I used to have more walls while dealing with my trauma which probably had some effect of closing me off but I've had about 25 years of abuse from various parties, like physical, mental and verbal so it was hard to learn to drop some of those walls to be able to be a human. (but I am not afraid to show my bare ass like what you see here)

    Yeah, that must have been rough. For what it's worth, I'm really grateful for your honesty in these things, and I'm glad that you responded like you did.

    I still have some trust issues and I definitely have ptsd and some other triggers that can happen years later because of what I've been put through.

    I think you mention this later, but this feeling you mention of "at this stage I can't be 'fixed' I just carry it with me" I understand a little. Like, no matter how much therapy or whatever I go through, I'm still going to have trouble with some things. I'm going to be nicer to myself about it though.

    Yeah it's become a standard with online spaces I guess lol I have had people talk about themselves mainly and that's been the whole "relationship" so that can be wild too.

    Yeah, I do like listening, but... I think you mention this elsewhere, but I too like the exchanges to be even. I'm slightly fixated on fairness in relationships, which can be helpful and detrimental at times.

    I don't tend to let these kinds of things bother me though it's like nomads drifting and you may have a chat or be the sympathetic ear from time to time but it can feel hollow sometimes when it's all the other person and when they lose interest they drop you.

    Totally, it is the natural way of things sometimes to have people drift away, but I'm not sure how I'd take to having to re-explain how I am to new people every time someone drifts away. Maybe my self-interpretations would get better and the explanations shorter, but I think I would get tired of saying the same things to a rotating cast of faces eventually. So for years and years I've lurked, or only had one friend, etc.

    a lot of this I chalk up to NT brainworm bs and try to ignore that but like I've said above I'm also aware of it too, I don't mind people talking about themselves at all, so don't let that doubt worry you..

    I appreciate it, I too have the NT expectations brainworms. It helps me when people give me positive signals like you just did, thank you.

    I only get bothered if it feels one way and more over time like I think a lot of it is you want the exchange of information to be balanced and not skewed in one direction, I know I do but rarely get that.

    Yes, here's what I was referring to earlier. 100% agree.

    they couldn't tell you my favourite colour or anything about me at all I was so shut off from them.

    damn, honestly I feel that, especially now. I used to be very effusive, but cut them out once i started realizing all the religious bs was hurting me, and that i needed to transition.

    And well most people that I've interacted with here would be on a similar level of understanding me, nobody really knows me or tries to get to know me.

    kitty-cri-texas I hope that changes for you. I still appreciate you sharing.

    I am pretty stand offish and I can be cold if I'm unsure about people, again I do have trust issues especially around touch and getting too close to me physically.. I need to trust someone to even be comfortable to have a hug.

    Totally valid, for me it still happens even if I trust someone (or, well ... do I really trust anyone except Partner?), even if I've known someone a Very Long Time, like my parents, I am still very hesitant and I disassociate a bit if they want to hug me. Especially if they have a discernible smell. Maybe it's just them though haha, I have no problem hugging Partner, I do it a lot. I unironically like headpets too...

    it's just "I've seen a lot of shit" and been on the end of a lot of shit too so some of that will always remain.

    Yeah, this was the spot from above. I parse and thing about things out of order sometimes. tbh, I think this is a very reasonable perspective, and I'm going to borrow it for myself.

    I'm long past that though just so you and whoever else reads this knows.. I'm not depressed I'm just very aware that I've been damaged to my core.

    Yeah, I actually wasn't worried at all - maybe it's because I feel similarly, even though the magnitude is a bit smaller for me.

    I get this but realistically you do worry too much.. I do mull on things sometimes, like "was I too blunt" or "I hope I don't offend them" stuff like that, I do hope that people understand that I do care to some degree but I also don't worry too much about people too..

    I think this is why I like you, in part. I like that you can see things from this honestly extremely healthy (imo) perspective, that you too are predisposed to worry, but aren't afraid to be your authentic self, and you don't let the worries consume you. I think the phrase I'm looking for is "mad respect." I think I'm getting better, once I start to trust people more it gets easier, generally. But ... sometimes after a social thing, for days I will ask Partner if I said something rude, etc. I still need that reassurance, he's good at giving it. I agree, I do worry too much. "Wanting to be liked" is at the core of all social interaction for me, and Cool Therapist tells me that I can't just kill these protective parts, but only talk to them and listen to them and help them grow.

    I would hope people can tell the difference with me that they'd be able to talk to me if I upset them but I know some people can misread things from me so I do hope that at least in some part they'll know everything is coming from the void the same way, like I'm not trying to be a dick to you, even if I seem blunt or direct.

    Yes, I want this perspective for myself too!! This seems so reasonable to me. I would hope people would be direct if I upset them, I worry so so much, my Partner is like never upset, I used to ask him 5 times a day if he was mad at me (I don't do this with other people thankfully), luckily I've gotten better at this over time. It's been a struggle. I struggle to tell people that aren't him that I'm upset, that's going to be a difficult bridge for me to cross. Usually I just kinda stifle it, had a lot of people react poorly, lots of "psychologizing"... I will try.

    I think some of it can be when you have time to think about some of the emptiness you feel, the loneliness can creep up on you and into your thoughts.

    totally.

    I think one person can't always hold up everything and you do need more outlets too

    yeah, this 100%. He seems to understand completely lol and yet I still compulsively reassure him. I must be hilarious to watch in action ... haha. I have a secret hope that people will find me cute, instead of annoying, and never accuse me of gaslighting or being a psychopath again.

    So I get the "you need to socialise more" kind of rhetoric but not really.. for me personally, and It always sounds more severe too when you talk about the loneliness side of it.

    I think what I'm taking from this is that talking about it makes it sound worse than it is - it's not such an acute thing for you?

    I've always had that emptiness because well I didn't have any outlets and mostly my self (I joke about my goblin and then the swarm of spiders who mediate in my head, but that's my self and then the internal logic and analysis (from the spiders)

    Yeah, that's fair. That's an interesting metaphor that I've not encountered before, I'm curious as to why you describe them as goblin and spiders?

    shoot, hit the text limit. more coming.

    • magi [null/void]M
      ·
      2 months ago
      Looong

      Sorry for the slow reply, I wasn't at the keyboard so waited to type this out when I could

      I know NDs are horrifyingly more likely to go through this kind of thing.

      Yeah unfortunately it's pretty common unfortunately.

      I was expecting them to be kinda glossed over since most people don't think about this stuff like I do - or, like we do

      I think about this kind of stuff a lot honestly so it's nice to speak to someone who also does (Ash does too, I think a few others do too)

      I have been struggling with this ALL WEEK!!! What do I want, what do I need? I want people to deeply know me!!! That's the answer! Thank you!!

      I'm glad it helped! ^^

      I'm not sure how I'd take to having to re-explain how I am to new people every time someone drifts away.

      It can be difficult, but it's really not that common for me to even get to that stage really. But yeah it turns into possibly years without any friends and waiting for it to come around again so to speak.

      that you too are predisposed to worry, but aren't afraid to be your authentic self, and you don't let the worries consume you.

      This sums me up succinctly, I do consider how the other person will react and feel, but I don't let the worry become too much and all encompassing.

      Partner is like never upset

      Your partner sounds very similar to myself, I can get upset but takes a lot to do it. Most of the time I'll let things just wash over me for the most part.

      instead of annoying

      I don't think you're annoying, Ash would be like that to me too "I'm annoying" or whatever she'd say and I'm the one telling her she's not.. shush you're being silly, that kind of thing.

      it's not such an acute thing for you?

      I do feel it to some degree the loneliness that is, but it's like most days I don't dwell on it and it comes in spells.. of severity. But it sounds worse talking about it than how much it affects me. I think it's more like if I'm not doing much and sitting with time to think about stuff it can creep in then and depending on mood can affect me somewhat but I do busy myself quite a bit to not really have time to dwell too.

      goblin and spiders?

      Well the goblin is my self, me my id so to speak, the spiders are just the other kind of sides to it where the goblin will read off a list and the spiders will debate amongst themselves for the goblin to write down. (this is all metaphorical, it's my self talking with various questions posed) I find it funny the image of a nest of spiders in deep conversation with themselves to answer to a Goblin who will eventually formulate the list ^^ it's just me having fun also because of the "two wolves meme" my side of it is the goblin being my self, but there's more that goes on inside with a debate hence the spiders..

      • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
        ·
        2 months ago
        spoiler

        Sorry for the slow reply,

        no need, it's totally ok, it's np if you want to respond the next day or whatever or if it's too much to respond to to just say so

        I think about this kind of stuff a lot honestly so it's nice to speak to someone who also does (Ash does too, I think a few others do too)

        yeah, you are my people for sure

        It can be difficult, but it's really not that common for me to even get to that stage really. But yeah it turns into possibly years without any friends and waiting for it to come around again so to speak.

        ;_; that sounds super awful. i don't know if i'd be really good at being a friend, but i'd be willing to try :)

        This sums me up succinctly, I do consider how the other person will react and feel, but I don't let the worry become too much and all encompassing.

        yeah, that's awesome! I gotta learn this

        Your partner sounds very similar to myself, I can get upset but takes a lot to do it. Most of the time I'll let things just wash over me for the most part.

        honestly, I have been telling him all week how much you and him should talk. I feel like the two of you are similar in some ways. We're not sure if he's ND, but he certainly has some traits of it haha.

        I don't think you're annoying, Ash would be like that to me too "I'm annoying" or whatever she'd say and I'm the one telling her she's not.. shush you're being silly, that kind of thing.

        thank you. lol so funny how similar Ash and I are in some ways...

        I think it's more like if I'm not doing much and sitting with time to think about stuff it can creep in then and depending on mood can affect me somewhat but I do busy myself quite a bit to not really have time to dwell too.

        Yeah, that makes sense. Kinda like the ringing in my ears, when it's really quiet it starts to get painful, but a bit of background noise and it's suddenly gone?

        Well the goblin is my self, me my id so to speak, the spiders are just the other kind of sides to it where the goblin will read off a list and the spiders will debate amongst themselves for the goblin to write down. (this is all metaphorical, it's my self talking with various questions posed) I find it funny the image of a nest of spiders in deep conversation with themselves to answer to a Goblin who will eventually formulate the list ^^ it's just me having fun also because of the "two wolves meme" my side of it is the goblin being my self, but there's more that goes on inside with a debate hence the spiders..

        Oh! Actually this reminds me of some of the parts stuff Cool Therapist talks about. She talks about a core energy that is us, and a whole bunch of parts that can be various ages and temperaments (I'm not sure I spelled that right). These parts get created to protect us generally. I have a few parts, I'm getting to know them. One of them is oppressive over-rationalization and stunted emotional expression, another is internalized shame about my gender from my mom, one of me is internalized feelings of being trapped in a job from my dad... that kind of thing.

        But I like your image better, haha. I like it!

        • magi [null/void]M
          ·
          2 months ago
          spoiler

          it's too much to respond to to just say so

          It isn't any trouble more I was making a meal and I hate typing out large replies with a phone keyboard lol

          that sounds super awful

          I'm so used to people not really trying to get to know me and it's kind of an ongoing thing.

          certainly has some traits of it haha

          It's easy to see some traits when you know a good deal of them ^^

          funny how similar Ash and I are in some ways...

          It could be some rejection sensitivity. Worrying about what other people think and such and how you're perceived.

          bit of background noise and it's suddenly gone?

          Yeah exactly it is like your focus is on something else so you aren't focusing on it as much. It can lessen it because of the distraction.

          I like your image better, haha. I like it!

          I have a strong affinity with the goblin and it can be a funny way to expreas some of my inner workings and quirks in an easy to explain way. I'm glad you like it ^^

          • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
            ·
            2 months ago
            spoiler

            It isn't any trouble more I was making a meal and I hate typing out large replies with a phone keyboard lol

            I'm so used to people not really trying to get to know me and it's kind of an ongoing thing.

            cat-trans

            It could be some rejection sensitivity. Worrying about what other people think and such and how you're perceived.

            I have it really bad, I am learning...

            Yeah exactly it is like your focus is on something else so you aren't focusing on it as much. It can lessen it because of the distraction.

            Yeah, totally. I do love me some distractions lol.

            I have a strong affinity with the goblin and it can be a funny way to expreas some of my inner workings and quirks in an easy to explain way. I'm glad you like it ^^

            Okay this is silly but I was in the bath last night having a bit of a long talk with myself and tbh I had your mental image in my mind, I loved the image lol

            • magi [null/void]M
              ·
              2 months ago
              spoiler

              cat-trans

              I have it really bad, I am learning...

              I know it can be very difficult to live with. I do my best to help Ash through her bouts, can be hard seeing how bad it can be.

              I hope learning about it more and how to work with it can help.

              I do love me some distractions lol.

              same lol I can have a quiet day the odd time but I usually find something to distract me ^^

              tbh I had your mental image in my mind, I loved the image lol

              By all mewns if it helps to parse things with yourself. Glad you like it lol

              • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
                ·
                2 months ago
                spoiler

                Wow, okay, so I am 10 minutes into research on RSD, and oh fuck I have it really bad. Someone described that feeling really well in the comments of some random video I found:

                That instant "wave" of dread that washes over your whole body and the physical pain and pressure in the chest. I think of the phrases "heavy heart" or "my heart sank to my stomach". In that moment, the situation feels UNBEARABLE. Expecially when it concerns someone I admire or value their acceptance and approval.

                I have felt that feeling so strong throughout my life (lost jobs from an anger response whoops, at least I learned how to bottle it up). I have felt that feeling, honestly, a few times this week, even. It takes me a long time to get through it, I people-please, I misinterpret things or have weird expectations that I can't explain, I bottle things up, I cry, it fucking sucks tbh. I thought it was a trauma response from times I have actually been completely blindsided by rejection. One time I met someone IRL and we got on super well and I thought we were getting close and then one night she left early and friend-dumped me over a text message. (Okay, actually this happened almost exactly the same with two separate people) I was so excited to have met someone like me fr fr. Now when I think about meeting people again I struggle not to worry about the same thing happening again. At least over text I can hide it. In retrospect, I'm glad I'm not friends with the two of them, but in the moment it hurt a lot.

                Thanks for helping me make the connection. I want to push past it anyway. It's probably going to be worth it, I just need to take things slow so that I can process things and get through the pain, and try to get some distance once in a while.

                I do my best to help Ash through her bouts, can be hard seeing how bad it can be.

                It ... actually helps a lot for me to hear that Ash struggles with it too, and that you, just like Partner, struggle at times to help her. Partner struggles to help me as well. You two are good people. Thank you.

                • magi [null/void]M
                  ·
                  2 months ago
                  spoiler

                  I have felt that feeling so strong throughout my life

                  It's actually fairly common unfortunately, a few people on the trans mega have it too.

                  she left early and friend-dumped me over a text message/exactly the same with two separate people

                  That sucks.. I don't know why people can't just say things to you in person. I understand how that would make you apprehensive about other people, been there myself and I also have trust issues not exactly the same but similar. But yeah some people in retrospect can also not be great people to, and I'm glad too when some have ghosted me or whatever. Taking things slow and try to like logic out reasoning if that helps, I have found if you can rationalise your fear or issue sometimes that can help you get past it.

                  Thanks for helping me make the connection.

                  You're welcome ^^

                  I feel helpless sometimes when it gets really bad but I do my best to help her, though she has improved with some meds and with some rationalisation methods. Still some things can be unreasonable worries and hard to deal with but it's a lot better than it was in the past. Hoping it can help you somewhat too learning more and there's also people here in the mega that go through it too which can help with support and such.

                  • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
                    ·
                    2 months ago
                    spoiler

                    Taking things slow and try to like logic out reasoning if that helps, I have found if you can rationalise your fear or issue sometimes that can help you get past it.

                    Yeah, I wish every interaction wasn't some kind of dumb 5D chess for me. I think rationalizing helps to kind of remind myself that it'll pass soon, but sometimes I wonder if it helps - I tend to cycle over and over on the same thoughts, the same rationalizations, like if I think about it again I'll finally see things rationally. Thinking about it in a sort of parts-based system, externalizing the fears and asking them questions, that seems to help, but only when the feeling passes can I really see the situation logically.

                    Sorry, rambling more... I think that RSD is probably the main driver for all my human interactions. I'm having one of those "oh no it's all mask" moments, lmao. Underneath ... is what? I know there are hopes and desires under there and they are very strong, but... I shouldn't burden other people with my desires, etc. Why are they so large?!

                    I mask a lot, I have trouble making new relationships. The more I like people, the harder it is.

                    I feel helpless sometimes when it gets really bad but I do my best to help her

                    yeah, totally. Partner gets this way about me too. I can feel his worry and uncertainty. I try to hide it from him, for the most part, when I'm being stupid about some silly thing. If there's nothing he can really do, why worry him? You know?

                    she has improved with some meds and with some rationalisation methods. Still some things can be unreasonable worries and hard to deal with but it's a lot better than it was in the past.

                    There are meds for this? Is it antidepressants?

                    Hoping it can help you somewhat too learning more and there's also people here in the mega that go through it too which can help with support and such.

                    Thank you, this conversation has really helped.

                    • magi [null/void]M
                      ·
                      2 months ago
                      spoiler

                      Yeah the rationalisations can only do so much too. Like I try to keep things rational like why worry to such a degree and measure how much it's affecting you. Like some little worries can seem way more than what they are with it. Plus try to pick apart why that specific worry, like try to view the severity of the situation. Picking them apart helps because you can then attack it bit by bit. But I know this can be hard to do, but it's also how I view things too like I use this method to keep things in perspective and to cut off worrying too much.

                      burden other people

                      You aren't a burden.

                      why worry him?

                      Because he's there to support you, it's never any trouble to support your partner at least it shouldn't be. That's part of being in a relationship, sign up to that shit..

                      There are meds for this?

                      For anxiety yes, you're best asking Ash more about them though.

                      this conversation has really helped.

                      I'm glad it has c:

                      • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
                        ·
                        2 months ago
                        spoiler

                        Picking them apart helps because you can then attack it bit by bit. But I know this can be hard to do, but it's also how I view things too like I use this method to keep things in perspective and to cut off worrying too much.

                        This makes sense... good idea! thank you!

                        You aren't a burden.

                        you and Ash are so kind omg, I'm sure someday I will be able to open up more. Until someone says something mean, then never again lmao.

                        Because he's there to support you, it's never any trouble to support your partner at least it shouldn't be. That's part of being in a relationship, sign up to that shit..

                        I completely agree, and I hear what you are saying, but uhhh I have been in some bad relationships. Last one before Partner was horrible. So I'm a bit traumatized about that, relationships, friends in general. Partner is very nice and patient though, even if I have kept him up late a couple times with my emotions.

                        For anxiety yes, you're best asking Ash more about them though.

                        I was on gaba for a bit, not honestly sure it helped. I was in that shitty relationship still. Hmm...

                        Thanks again for everything

                        • magi [null/void]M
                          ·
                          2 months ago
                          spoiler

                          Until someone says something mean

                          Hopefully it won't set you back but I know the feeling lol

                          I have been in some bad relationships. Last one before Partner was horrible.

                          I understand and I'm sorry, I have also had a few bad relationships and I suffered in those too with trauma and abuse so I truly understand it can be hard to let go of some stuff or get rid of the trauma easily too.

                          I was on gaba for a bit, not honestly sure it helped. I was in that shitty relationship still. Hmm...

                          Yeah unfortunately meds are hard to figure out with people, I'm not on anything and Ash has the gaba recently but she's tried various in the past with limited to no success too for a few different things.

                          Thanks again for everything

                          You're welcome ^^

                          • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
                            ·
                            2 months ago
                            spoiler

                            I understand and I'm sorry, I have also had a few bad relationships and I suffered in those too with trauma and abuse so I truly understand it can be hard to let go of some stuff or get rid of the trauma easily too.

                            totally, yeah, one step at a time haha

                            Yeah unfortunately meds are hard to figure out with people, I'm not on anything and Ash has the gaba recently but she's tried various in the past with limited to no success too for a few different things.

                            yeah i feel this way with a lot of meds, i've tried a bunch, not really found things that helped.

                            • magi [null/void]M
                              ·
                              2 months ago
                              spoiler

                              one step at a time

                              Yeah baby steps basically, hopefully that will lessen over time.

                              i've tried a bunch, not really found things that helped.

                              Same I think I was prescribed more stuff rather than doctors pick up my autism lol

                              • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
                                ·
                                2 months ago
                                spoiler

                                Yeah baby steps basically, hopefully that will lessen over time.

                                Yah, learning to social again like learning to walk. Thanks for being here to help.

                                Same I think I was prescribed more stuff rather than doctors pick up my autism lol

                                oooooooof. well put. fuck...yep

                                • magi [null/void]M
                                  ·
                                  2 months ago
                                  spoiler

                                  learning to social again like learning to walk. Thanks for being here to help.

                                  Aye can be like that if you take a long break and you're welcome c:

                                  ooooof

                                  Pretty much aye

    • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
      ·
      2 months ago
      more

      so I embraced it somewhat but some days you feel invisible and I guess that's more what bothers me about the whole thing. More being unseen and I've spent a lot of my life like that too.

      I've felt this at times, a lot when I was younger. I don't have the right words to say about your experience, unfortunately :(

      I think maybe I'm just not what people expect or don't care.

      oof, this hurt to read. I think I can relate, once the mask comes down it's all over for me.

      I don't think you're boring either.

      Thank you, this is very kind.

      I do feel sometimes I am a burden too but that's common for autistic people and not wanting to overburden people and also because society is build around NT people and we struggle to fit within those constraints too

      Absolutely, this is something I'm just learning now, and starting to internalize that there are people in this world that won't hold me to these constraints that I was never able to live up to in the first place.

      I also feel like these people don't try to get to know me, and it's more that side of things.

      For this, do you still mean NT people? Or NDs too?

      There's many factors more than likely more on their end than mine but I'm not going to assume I don't have my faults either or lack somewhat because I don't mask.

      I want to believe that not masking should not preclude you or I from being able to have meaningful relationships, but I confess that I don't know for sure, I'm only just learning how to let it down (you know, like how when you're clutching something tightly, you need to re-learn how to let go, finger by finger). I am holding out hope that there will be people other than Partner who will like the real me.

      I love watching films but not really a tv person

      I enjoy the occasional film but I am honestly really burned out on American-style media, so I just watch One Piece and play games lol.

      But I don't mask and don't mimic, what people get is my true self if that makes sense even if I can seem eccentric because of it but I am true to myself and very straight forward and clear, like what you see is what you get with me which I can see some people maybe don't understand because with NT people tend to not say what they mean so I get people misreading me too.

      Yes, honestly this expectation that everyone is faking it can be harmful too; people expect there to be some kind of "angle" when we are just being honest. Sometimes I have to double my word count just to remove the insinuation of sarcasm or to make sure it is known that I am feeling a strong emotion. I am very obsessive about the way that I write or talk when I say controversial things. You've seen some of my edits. I try to read everything I write from multiple angles, different ways of interpreting etc, and try to guard against misunderstandings. I wish (or maybe I don't wish) you could see how many times I've rephrased each sentence for every post I make on this site, but once I get to know people I can edit less as they understand me.

      I struggle to at times, I have my wife but I have been put in situations here where people will basically not interact with me at all, I'll sit for hours in silence while conversations happen around me so I become invisible a lot, I have that vampire thing where people forget I'm there or can't see me I dunno what it is.

      kitty-cri I've been through that, when I was younger. I'd rather not be around people than be in a situation like that. It Feels Awful To Be Invisible. I get this at work things all the time, I've stopped really going. I sneak away early before it gets too awkward but it's needed for my job at times ...

      I don't know why they do this. I am at the receiving end of so much of it. If I fight for it, I can include myself, but I don't want to force people to include me. I think they do it to me because they don't like me. Maybe they can smell the autism, or they know I'm trans (and hate that), idk.

      I blend into the background for a lot of people and like it does bother me from time to time and it's exhausting sitting watching people interact for hours with little to nothing in return.

      oh boy, this is my actual personal hell. holy fuck, ow it hurt to read that. yes 100%, just feeling Trapped. For. Hours. Those kind of hours feel like decades to me.

      I just tend to go internal in those situations where I can occupy myself with the spiders, but I dunno how to fix that..

      I don't know what else to do. I try to avoid people that make me feel like that. If I have to be there, I'm usually busying myself with eating or whatever if it's a social meal. Once the meal is done, I can't take it. I have to excuse myself. If I hear work people talk about how they met Owen Wilson one more time I will scream and get fired.

      I'm aware that I can be alienated being amongst a group of people who again don't really want to get to know me or interact with me on any basic level past a hello when we meet.

      Yeah, I try not to think about it too much too.

      I'm not really sure how to summarize all this, but I really appreciate you sharing. I know that it's kind of asynchronous, but I've really enjoyed spending the afternoon together :) and would love to talk more.