Hello disables comrades! I hope things are going well.
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Mask up, love one another, and stay alive for one more week.
Well, I've just had another response from the person who said it doesn't matter if I become homeless, I can still work for the cause. He just responded to a comment I made about feeling suicidal and said, "What are you waiting for? Why don't you buy the material? You can easily earn enough money to buy a gun and kill yourself quickly."
EDIT: Just found out the person who has been saying these things is a mod over at lemmy.
Holy shit, I don't know any other context around this but can you report them to an admin?
just needed to rant for a minute. autistic thoughts and social anxiety, I guess?
I feel like I'm expected to give 150% in social situations just to keep up with others. I'm constantly out of the loop. I don't know how much of socializing is supposed to be work and how much is supposed to just happen. I don't understand how to find the balance between how much I'm supposed to think about others and how much I supposed to think about myself.
I also just feel like I'm too trusting, and I'm like, dumb? Like I hope that people will let me know when they're in town so we can hang out and they don't, they hang out without me. I give people the benefit of the doubt and they hurt my feelings.
I legitimately am at in impasse where I feel like in order to work on myself, I am supposed to stop talking to others and surrender any expectations socially. This, to me, seems the same as saying I don't care about anyone, I'm not interested in anyone, I don't care if I have any friends.
But hoping that others will also be thoughtful is a fucking wash. People text me that they miss me while they're all meeting up together, and I didn't even know they were in town. Bite my ass.
spoiler
I'm autistic and highly gullible, and my gullibility is related to my autism. I never suspect people are telling me anything but the truth until it's irrefutably proven otherwise. This has gotten me into bad situations in the past. I think taking people at face value and not discerning when someone is lying is common among autistic people (at least, I saw some studies about it.) Of course it probably doesn't apply to every autistic person, but it certainly applies to me.
it's been way over the amount of time i was supposed to hear back about my disability aid application.... and im expecting to be declined bc im still on the waitlist for some official diagnoses. im not rly in a tough spot right now but, bleh, feeling like i have to wait years for my life to get marginally better sucks
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I don't have a trauma disorder anymore
still autistic tho lmao can't deny that Kind of overwhelmed. There's this weird energy everywhere that feels...threatening? Like the humming electricity in a live wire, or a calm before the storm kind of atmosphere, maybe. I can't quite name it, but I feel it in the undertones of my daily life, and at the end of the day when I am alone and it is finally soft and quiet, I still feel it. Bleeding through the walls and seeping into the empty spaces, pervasive and unsettling. I'm not sure what's changed, but I can't shake this feeling of unease. I find myself asking, "What's wrong?", only to hear myself say "What isn't?"
there's a boat floating down the river that we're stuck in, and we're approaching a massive waterfall
Kind of like that. I get that feeling too. I would describe it more along the lines of a tree slowly being engulfed by flood waters; subtle yet devastating for the ones devoid of oxygen for too long. It is a strange sensation.
i made ful mudammas for the first time this morning and it's now my new favorite thing i think. now i feel all energized to do some much needed cleaning of my space
I am so sick of people expecting me to be a martyr to a cause. I mentioned on lemmygrad that I feel suicidal due to my illness, disability, poverty and impending homelessness, and I get some irritating, virtue-signalling keyboard warrior telling me that suicide is stupid, narrow minded and never justified, and so what if I become homeless, I can just agitate for the cause on the streets! This, to me is no different than capitalism saying, "It doesn't matter if you're too poor to buy a house as long as you can still work." While now my supposed fellow socialists say to me, "It doesn't matter if you're homeless, you can still work for our cause on the streets." Never mind that statistically, nearly a tenth of women getremovedd at least twice a year while homeless. I guess that's just another sacrifice I should willingly make for the cause. Just because I'm disabled and fighting a benefit appeal does not mean I should have to martyr myself for the cause of those two things. I've had other people on here send me repeated demands that I start campaigning for disability rights by publicising my struggle in newspapers and on blogs. Apart from the fact that society doesn't give a shit (evidenced by the fact that even disabled people who've died of starvation or committed suicide after their benefits were stopped get victim blamed in the media), I'm tired and ill. It's already taking every scrap of my energy to keep on top of my medical appointments and benefit appeal, to beg for food on here often enough to avoid days of hunger, not to mention the multiple people who've strung me along with promises of help but don't follow through, so I'm contacting them repeatedly over time before giving up. It takes actual time and energy dealing with all this. I can't deal with more on top. Not only that but I had a recent foot surgery and have two more coming up - apparently it's not big deal for me to be homeless on the streets in winter, with open surgical wounds on my feet, having cancer treatment and recovering from a stroke. I should be using that homeless time to agitate for the cause! I am a human, not a machine put here to achieve a result.
not to mention the multiple people who've strung me along with promises of help but don't follow through, so I'm contacting them repeatedly over time before giving up.
god, this really hits home...
cw: talking in vague terms about suicide
there is definitely something to be said about how lots of "leftists" often don't unpack their individualism and just start prescribing what others should do (individually, in their own time, without bothering me) without even understanding (and not caring about understanding) the full scope of the situation. Imagine blaming an individual suicidal person for feeling suicidal in a society where it's completely normalised and happens all the time, and then precribing them an individualist solution, while their whole problem is that they can't even keep up with sustaining their own life individually
Not only are they being individualistic but obviously haven't unpacked their privilege if they act like a fucking redditor and give condescending surface level advice that's not asked for. Ew
To be fair, the worst one by far was on lemmygrad, not here. He contacted me out of the blue, spent a couple of weeks sending me almost daily 4-paragraph long messages about all the ways he'd thought of helping me, finally sent several promises of food vouchers and then just completely ignored me from then on when I accepted his offer. I sent him a couple of increasingly desperate messages after that, asking if he was having trouble with the food voucher, saying I'd accept help some other way if he was but after 2 weeks of almost daily promises and messages he just never responded to me again. And I could see him on lemmy, posting in threads so I knew he was still around.
Have you had the same experience?
Not exactly the same, but lots of similarly eagerly supportive people have repeatedly told me things like "just let me know if I can do anything" after we connect, but then get cold feet once I actually get into any specifics. It's like they're fully acting out a fantasy in which they're good, helpful people, but it only lasts until the moment that it inconveniences them or isn't 100% about them anymore.
That's it exactly. There are several people here who really have been very good and helpful to me, without whom I would starve and have to go without medical supplies and toiletries. But there are also some who are, as you say, acting out a fantasy in which they're the big kind hero offering help, but when you actually say, "Yes thank you I need help with this," they don't want to know and either you never hear from them again, or they string you along for a while (getting their dopamine hit from acting like a hero) and then when you're getting frantic and desperate, wondering when the help will arrive, they stop contacting you. And you're left wondering whether they just changed their mind or whether they were playing you the whole time. And it's much worse than if nobody had offered help at all because to get that offer of help when you are desperate is such a relief, you check back your messages several times a day with such hope, wondering when you'll finally get to eat, or get whatever you need, and after several days (or even weeks in my previously mentioned case) comes the sinking feeling and realisation that they aren't going to follow through.
I don't know whether these people get off on it, or whether they really are just so unaware of how devastating them changing their minds is. But you've actually made sense of another poster here who I was confused by. When I first started posting here, someone sent me a small donation. They chatted to me a lot, then they said they would be looking out for my future posts, and gave the strong impression that they intended to give more help when I needed. So I was really confused about why they never responded to me again. But now I understand.
It's especially awful on the occasions I've had to make two or three posts over a week or more before getting a response, to have someone finally respond is huge, and then if that person doesn't follow through, it's just crushing.
And you're left wondering whether they just changed their mind or whether they were playing you the whole time. And it's much worse than if nobody had offered help at all because to get that offer of help when you are desperate is such a relief, you check back your messages several times a day with such hope, wondering when you'll finally get to eat, or get whatever you need, and after several days (or even weeks in my previously mentioned case) comes the sinking feeling and realisation that they aren't going to follow through.
So real, you describe the feeling very well... Maybe it comes down to people severely devaluing the power of their own words? It's pretty popular to lie on your CV or give out fake it till you make it advice, so maybe people just say things... aspirationally?? I would say more, but it feels like anything I write is going to devolve into vitriolic bullshit and I don't even have the energy for that right now
Another awful thing is when people leave messages in the thread saying they're going to help, and then don't follow through. And I wonder if this is why some of the other people don't follow through. Maybe they make an offer, then see someone else in the thread make an offer and think "Oh this person has been helped now, I needn't bother." And then neither end up following through, and other people who might have helped see the message offering help and think they won't bother now.
Another awful thing is when people leave messages in the thread saying they're going to help, and then don't follow through.
All the social cred of being a good person, with none of the work!
and think "Oh this person has been helped now, I needn't bother.
I always assume the person still needs help unless the post has been edited to indicate otherwise, but we're all built different I guess
Been bedridden all day. No idea if it's flu or covid since i don't have any tests at the moment.
I had my final session with my shitty therapist today and I'm so glad it's over. Here are some of the highlights of my sessions with her:
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Said she can't give me the good treatments like EDMR, because I'm still living in the bad situation that is causing my problems, and these kinds of therapies are for after the problem has ended, to help you get over it. So she can't do anything for me other than meditation and drawing pictures.
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When I spoke about traumatising things that have ended that I'd like EDMR for, such as a time I was violently assaulted, she instead tried to get my to sympathise with my attackers, and imagine what problems they have in their lives that drove them to assault a random stranger, and feel sorry for them.
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Shamed and disparaged me for asking for food vouchers on here, even though she knows I have no money whatsoever.
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Basically told me that me killing myself is a good idea - she said, given my issues and the fact that they can't be solved, it seems a reasonable plan that I would aim to commit suicide one day. She said she's done all she can for me and there's no point putting me forward for further therapy. I mean, I do agree suicide is the eventual answer for me but it seems a bit unprofessional for a therapist to agree.
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She thinks it's no big deal that I could be homeless soon, she said she'll just give me the number of a homeless shelter. She doesn't seem at all concerned about my financial situation and even said she might tell the DWP I have missed some of her sessions, even though she knows this puts me at bigger risk of losing my appeal. I wonder if this might be retaliation for the fact I've missed some sessions with her - maybe she doesn't get paid for those sessions so she wants to punish me?
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The "therapy" has consisted of nothing but meditation, drawing pictures and her writing timetables for me to stick to. Then she gets angry with me that this isn't making any difference to my life.
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Told me off during a meditation that involved body movements, because my left side wasn't moving as much as the right. Even though she knows my left side is affected by the fact I've had a stroke.
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Puts me in the most bleach and perfume smelling room even though I've told her it triggers my migraines.
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Has often turned up late and dismissed me early so the sessions only last 3/4 of the time they're meant to.
I'm sure there's been other stuff too that I can't remember now. Anyway I'm glad I don't have to see her any more but I'm worried about her telling the DWP I've missed some sessions, they might use it against me at my appeal.
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Same, i wish i didn't have it because i really enjoyed running :(
My cycle was regular for like a year and now it's starting its bullshit again. I've been in an extended luteal phase for what feels like forever and my lows keep getting lower and I'm kinda scared of how bad it's getting
I know I spoke of it before, but it looks like my ADHD is official! Now I want to speak with a healthcare professional about medication.
It also turns out I’m double exceptional rather than I have a learning disability so it feels like I at least got a consolation prize.
In the mean time, for anyone else in my shoes? What did you do to get out of the cycle of unemployment/underemployment?
I got a WFH job, easy pays well an I even got some time to do my own stuff on workhours sometimes. Makes life a lot better. Longest employment I have had so far. Getting a bit bored but looking for other positions at the same company, no problem staying at my current one until then.
what field do you work in? i tried finding a wfh job for like, two years, but they're so much more competitive than other positions it was impossible
not that i have the executive function to job search rn anyway lol
Tech support, I got a degree in an unrelated field but the position was possible to get if you had experience instead as well. Worked as webdev freelance earlier but long hours and not much paid. Nice support gig with company contacts and not end customers. When I have the energy and time I may study further on the company dime as well 😃
ah okay, ill look into that some when im able to job hunt again. thanks!
In the mean time, for anyone else in my shoes? What did you do to get out of the cycle of unemployment/underemployment?
If you have a hobby that you can potentially turn into a profession and make your own hours, that would be a way to go. I'm trying to do that with web dev and after 4 months of nothing I might have actually scored a project with our local NAACP which could b ea pretty big deal for me and open the door for a lot of potential clientele.
While I'm working on that I'm currently working part time at a 3rd party delivery contractor for Amazon so I have some money coming in. I'm hoping I can eventually quit this and do the website thing full time soonish. This is all after about 25 years and 30+ jobs and being unemployed more than employed during that time because no one wants to accommodate for neurodivergent people.
Grats on your diagnosis! Meds aren't a magic bullet that solve all your problems but they help a hell of a lot.
Don't get discouraged if you have a bad time with the first medication you try. My psych had me trial three different stimulants for a week each, one of them gave me chest pains even on a very low dose and didn't provide any benefits but the other two were very effective for me with much more manageable side effects.
You can also stop and start typical ADHD meds as you need them. Taking days off when you don't need them can also help with not building up a tolerance. It's not like depression meds where you need to take them for a while everyday to see if they work for you.
It can also go the other way though, you might experience a euphoria when you start meds, that's not something that will stick around long term so enjoy it while it's there but understand that that feeling isn't going to be your new baseline with meds long-term.
