I find myself in quite the pickle this week. It is very unpleasant and I have no idea what to do. I'm going to outline it below, but gods please pay attention to the content warning.
CW: Discussing Sex, Casual Sex, Bottom Surgery, and Dysphoria(?) with Wall of Text
So, I've probably discussed recently that I'm in a polycule. I'm in a hinge relationship with my wife and my girlfriend. It's been like this now for about a year and a half. We've been pretty content, and that's awesome. However, I'm somewhat of a social butterfly and I'll talk to people. It's fun. I love talking to other folks. On rare occasion I'll find someone that meets my fancy. It's been a good while, but such an occasion has popped up very recently. Keep in mind, that this is not against any standing rules of the polycule. Simply if we meet someone, we bring it forward with the others. Anyways, I met someone on a Discord server and he and I became friends. After a while, we flirted with each other and it came to a point where it started to get into sexual matters. Well, it turns out we're pretty compatible sexually. Or at least as far as we can tell. We discussed the matters and we wouldn't mind actually meeting up at some point in the future as he lives pretty damn close to me. That's beside the point. I wouldn't be doing this for a while as I simply don't want to hook up with people until my bottom surgery here in a month and a half, and then a few months afterwards so I can heal properly. So, to cut things off, I approached both my wife and girlfriend this morning looking for permission. My wife, surprisingly, is all for it. Tells me to go for it and then inquires if I can somehow involve her, which is dope af IMO. Awesome isn't it? I go to my girlfriend a little later and I don't even get the words out of my mouth before she cuts me off with "I will immediately leave the relationship if you dare fuck this man." I'm immediately taken aback and don't know what to say. I didn't expect the most favorable response, but holy fuck I didn't expect this. She follows it up with "I do not want anyone else in the polycule at all." I then try and explain to her that I have no intention of including him in as it stands and that it's just a casual thing. She's still very hostile to it. I say, "Alright, I understand. I'll drop it. I'll let him know and just let it be." For some reason, she starts backtracking and all that. I'm becoming very uncomfortable with it as it's just welling up feelings of being sexually promiscuous or whatever and I'm starting to feel awful. She then starts to insist to not worry about it and do whatever. And it's like, what? How can i possibly do that when you just said you'll immediately leave me?! Coupled with my now personal feelings of being a whore, I want nothing to do with this discussion. I'm over it. I just want it dropped. She continues pushing and pushing. I keep saying no, please, I don't want to talk about it. The initial conclusion is fine. I'll abide. That's how this works. And that's how it more or less ended except I had to cut the conversation off cause she was calling me from work at that point >.>
I have severely conflicting feelings about all of this. I don't oft hook up with people as outlined above. It'll happen maybe once every year or two maybe. Recently much less because I've been navigating the maze that is transition. It's rough because...I mean...I'm pansexual. I'm interested in everyone so long as you get along with me very well. And, when I finally get bottom surgery here very soon, I want to actually have sex with someone with a penis, which doesn't exist in my relationship. I just do. I want to experience sexual relationships from both sides of the binary coin at the very least. But I doubt I'll ever be able to because my girlfriend is an androphobe, therefore vetoing any potential hook-ups. Plus, she did also request a complete lockdown of the polycule as it stands now. I...I really don't want that. I want to have sex with other folks. If someone pops up that would fit in, I would love to add to the polycule. But like, I also feel like the biggest piece of shit now because this is all going on because I just want to have casual sex with someone. Ugh, this is so fucked right now. I don't want to break up with her because like, I've been with her for a year and a half and we are very close to merging our lives together. But simultaneously, it feels like I suddenly have a ball and chain around my ankle controlling what I can and can't do and further locking down a part of my life that I absolutely do not want locked down.
Ultimately, I'm not asking for any advice. I just needed to vent. If you want to add something, by all means do so, but yeah, I'm not asking for it.
It's rough at times. I try and remain as open about everything as I can towards her. That's why I literally approached her about this matter shortly after I realized where the conversation with this guy was going. However, it seems to me that a lot of things were considered implied on her part when we started dating. Gods, my fucking relationship with my wife is so good cause we communicate so well, so it's hard to see how this is going so poorly due to communication. I mean, it's literally the number one thing I tell to people who come to me for relationship advice. Communication is key. Without it, things will eventually fall apart.
I don't have any advice, but you shouldn't feel bad about wanting casual hookups 🤷 it sounds like that was fine with the group until just now. There's nothing wrong with having sex with multiple people (I mean, obviously. You're already in a poly). I hope you can work things out with your gf.
Also, I hate the backtracking thing. Say one thing, you agree to it, they walk it back and switch sides. Ffs just say what you mean and stick to it. Because (at least I feel) that if you go with the backtrack, they're still going to be upset. DON'T SAY THINGS YOU DON'T MEAN PEOPLE!
That's the thing about all this. It's very clear that she's sacrificing her core beliefs (which is strange to me considering we're poly) for my "happiness." It's like, which one do you want it to be? Either way, I'm not coming out on the other side of this tunnel feeling any good about this whole situation.
ngl, moments like this make me feel like she's either settling for me for whatever reason or using me for life stability. I really wish I could say this was the first time something like this has happened.
And thank you for the kind words as well. I hope that I can stop feeling shame over this whole ordeal. It's got me all fucked up.
I find myself in quite the pickle this week. It is very unpleasant and I have no idea what to do. I'm going to outline it below, but gods please pay attention to the content warning.
CW: Discussing Sex, Casual Sex, Bottom Surgery, and Dysphoria(?) with Wall of Text
So, I've probably discussed recently that I'm in a polycule. I'm in a hinge relationship with my wife and my girlfriend. It's been like this now for about a year and a half. We've been pretty content, and that's awesome. However, I'm somewhat of a social butterfly and I'll talk to people. It's fun. I love talking to other folks. On rare occasion I'll find someone that meets my fancy. It's been a good while, but such an occasion has popped up very recently. Keep in mind, that this is not against any standing rules of the polycule. Simply if we meet someone, we bring it forward with the others. Anyways, I met someone on a Discord server and he and I became friends. After a while, we flirted with each other and it came to a point where it started to get into sexual matters. Well, it turns out we're pretty compatible sexually. Or at least as far as we can tell. We discussed the matters and we wouldn't mind actually meeting up at some point in the future as he lives pretty damn close to me. That's beside the point. I wouldn't be doing this for a while as I simply don't want to hook up with people until my bottom surgery here in a month and a half, and then a few months afterwards so I can heal properly. So, to cut things off, I approached both my wife and girlfriend this morning looking for permission. My wife, surprisingly, is all for it. Tells me to go for it and then inquires if I can somehow involve her, which is dope af IMO. Awesome isn't it? I go to my girlfriend a little later and I don't even get the words out of my mouth before she cuts me off with "I will immediately leave the relationship if you dare fuck this man." I'm immediately taken aback and don't know what to say. I didn't expect the most favorable response, but holy fuck I didn't expect this. She follows it up with "I do not want anyone else in the polycule at all." I then try and explain to her that I have no intention of including him in as it stands and that it's just a casual thing. She's still very hostile to it. I say, "Alright, I understand. I'll drop it. I'll let him know and just let it be." For some reason, she starts backtracking and all that. I'm becoming very uncomfortable with it as it's just welling up feelings of being sexually promiscuous or whatever and I'm starting to feel awful. She then starts to insist to not worry about it and do whatever. And it's like, what? How can i possibly do that when you just said you'll immediately leave me?! Coupled with my now personal feelings of being a whore, I want nothing to do with this discussion. I'm over it. I just want it dropped. She continues pushing and pushing. I keep saying no, please, I don't want to talk about it. The initial conclusion is fine. I'll abide. That's how this works. And that's how it more or less ended except I had to cut the conversation off cause she was calling me from work at that point >.>
I have severely conflicting feelings about all of this. I don't oft hook up with people as outlined above. It'll happen maybe once every year or two maybe. Recently much less because I've been navigating the maze that is transition. It's rough because...I mean...I'm pansexual. I'm interested in everyone so long as you get along with me very well. And, when I finally get bottom surgery here very soon, I want to actually have sex with someone with a penis, which doesn't exist in my relationship. I just do. I want to experience sexual relationships from both sides of the binary coin at the very least. But I doubt I'll ever be able to because my girlfriend is an androphobe, therefore vetoing any potential hook-ups. Plus, she did also request a complete lockdown of the polycule as it stands now. I...I really don't want that. I want to have sex with other folks. If someone pops up that would fit in, I would love to add to the polycule. But like, I also feel like the biggest piece of shit now because this is all going on because I just want to have casual sex with someone. Ugh, this is so fucked right now. I don't want to break up with her because like, I've been with her for a year and a half and we are very close to merging our lives together. But simultaneously, it feels like I suddenly have a ball and chain around my ankle controlling what I can and can't do and further locking down a part of my life that I absolutely do not want locked down.
Ultimately, I'm not asking for any advice. I just needed to vent. If you want to add something, by all means do so, but yeah, I'm not asking for it.
Omg wtf that really sucks, the communication with your girlfriend is really fucked up
It's rough at times. I try and remain as open about everything as I can towards her. That's why I literally approached her about this matter shortly after I realized where the conversation with this guy was going. However, it seems to me that a lot of things were considered implied on her part when we started dating. Gods, my fucking relationship with my wife is so good cause we communicate so well, so it's hard to see how this is going so poorly due to communication. I mean, it's literally the number one thing I tell to people who come to me for relationship advice. Communication is key. Without it, things will eventually fall apart.
Mhm indeed, it suuucks to have to resolve a bunch of implications after committing to a relationship
I don't have any advice, but you shouldn't feel bad about wanting casual hookups 🤷 it sounds like that was fine with the group until just now. There's nothing wrong with having sex with multiple people (I mean, obviously. You're already in a poly). I hope you can work things out with your gf.
Also, I hate the backtracking thing. Say one thing, you agree to it, they walk it back and switch sides. Ffs just say what you mean and stick to it. Because (at least I feel) that if you go with the backtrack, they're still going to be upset. DON'T SAY THINGS YOU DON'T MEAN PEOPLE!
That's the thing about all this. It's very clear that she's sacrificing her core beliefs (which is strange to me considering we're poly) for my "happiness." It's like, which one do you want it to be? Either way, I'm not coming out on the other side of this tunnel feeling any good about this whole situation.
ngl, moments like this make me feel like she's either settling for me for whatever reason or using me for life stability. I really wish I could say this was the first time something like this has happened.
And thank you for the kind words as well. I hope that I can stop feeling shame over this whole ordeal. It's got me all fucked up.