Sometimes I feel sad about starting HRT in my 30s. I feel like I'll always regret spending my 20s trying so desperately to live up to everyone's expectations while disregarding my own. Not even fully understanding what I wanted because I wouldn't listen to myself. I wouldn't allow myself the truth. Told myself to just keep going, it didn't matter which direction. Every direction is away from where I was, who I was. Gaslighted myself. Ignored that voice until I couldn't any longer. Drowned her out with drink and drugs until that stopped working too. It came to a point where there was no more distractions and no more escape. Some eggs crack gracefully from within. But eggs that crack under external pressure only fall to pieces. Whether I was ready or not, I had to find myself and put myself back together in a configuration that fit me.
I am glad I ultimately figured it out even if it was not in the graceful way and I'm happy with myself and how far I've come even if it took me awhile. Though I can't help but wonder how things would be now if I had been stronger and braver and ready to cut ties sooner. If I had started HRT in my 20s (or through some miracle, my teens), would I feel better about myself if testosterone had less time to do its damage? Would I feel like less of an outlier and more connected if I was closer to the average age of the wider community when I started? How different would my life be now if only I could've found my way sooner and not worried so much about the opinions of others? Would I be spending less of my time writing all this self-absorbed sadsack shit online an hour after I should be asleep and more time touching grass? (probably not that last one)
I feel like I'll always regret spending my 20s trying so desperately to live up to everyone's expectations while disregarding my own.
I feel this in my bones. I frequently wish I'd spent less of my late teens and twenties trying to be a good christian boy and more figuring out who I actually am, instead of pushing all that so deep down that I didn't even realize it was there until I started deprogramming in my late 20s and finally ran across the concept of non-cis gender identities in my early 30s.
Saaaame timeline for me too! So much time living to other peoples expectations, suppressing every hint of personality or self expression if it conflicted with what was "proper". It's a bit sad to think about lost time, but I love who I am today and the broken pieces of my past life are slowly healing or finally being shed as dead weight.
One thing that we have to do is to try and not blame ourselves for our lack of action or awareness in our pasts. Constantly miring ourselves with “What ifs?” generally doesn’t lead to anywhere fruitful and just hogs one down with a large heaping pile of dysphoria. In my experiences, it has been very helpful to just focus on the here and now. Note that you’re making changes now. You are moving towards a better future for yourself. Even though you’re doing it later in life, you’re still making strides to becoming the real you.
I started HRT shortly after my egg cracked at 32. I was completely blind to myself and couldn’t see that I was trans. I never had the ability for introspection. It took me a long, agonizing time to finally look at myself and see myself. And, at the end of the day, I felt the exact same way you did. I lamented that I didn’t see the shell around me for so long. I felt that I missed a chance on life. However, as the changed came and I started to see the pathway to a better future for myself, all of it started to melt away. Now I feel that it would’ve been nice to start earlier, but you know what, I’m there. I’m doing right for myself. I’m decently far towards my goals. I’m living the life I was meant to this very moment. So I set my eyes towards my future and let the past be the past. After all, we can’t change our past, but we have the power to direct our futures.
late night blehposting
Sometimes I feel sad about starting HRT in my 30s. I feel like I'll always regret spending my 20s trying so desperately to live up to everyone's expectations while disregarding my own. Not even fully understanding what I wanted because I wouldn't listen to myself. I wouldn't allow myself the truth. Told myself to just keep going, it didn't matter which direction. Every direction is away from where I was, who I was. Gaslighted myself. Ignored that voice until I couldn't any longer. Drowned her out with drink and drugs until that stopped working too. It came to a point where there was no more distractions and no more escape. Some eggs crack gracefully from within. But eggs that crack under external pressure only fall to pieces. Whether I was ready or not, I had to find myself and put myself back together in a configuration that fit me.
I am glad I ultimately figured it out even if it was not in the graceful way and I'm happy with myself and how far I've come even if it took me awhile. Though I can't help but wonder how things would be now if I had been stronger and braver and ready to cut ties sooner. If I had started HRT in my 20s (or through some miracle, my teens), would I feel better about myself if testosterone had less time to do its damage? Would I feel like less of an outlier and more connected if I was closer to the average age of the wider community when I started? How different would my life be now if only I could've found my way sooner and not worried so much about the opinions of others? Would I be spending less of my time writing all this self-absorbed sadsack shit online an hour after I should be asleep and more time touching grass? (probably not that last one)
If it's any consolation, I turn 37 in a few weeks and my egg cracked in January. I have my first appointment for hrt next month.
I deeply resonate with this. You're definitely not alone with these feelings.
I feel this in my bones. I frequently wish I'd spent less of my late teens and twenties trying to be a good christian boy and more figuring out who I actually am, instead of pushing all that so deep down that I didn't even realize it was there until I started deprogramming in my late 20s and finally ran across the concept of non-cis gender identities in my early 30s.
Saaaame timeline for me too! So much time living to other peoples expectations, suppressing every hint of personality or self expression if it conflicted with what was "proper". It's a bit sad to think about lost time, but I love who I am today and the broken pieces of my past life are slowly healing or finally being shed as dead weight.
One thing that we have to do is to try and not blame ourselves for our lack of action or awareness in our pasts. Constantly miring ourselves with “What ifs?” generally doesn’t lead to anywhere fruitful and just hogs one down with a large heaping pile of dysphoria. In my experiences, it has been very helpful to just focus on the here and now. Note that you’re making changes now. You are moving towards a better future for yourself. Even though you’re doing it later in life, you’re still making strides to becoming the real you.
I started HRT shortly after my egg cracked at 32. I was completely blind to myself and couldn’t see that I was trans. I never had the ability for introspection. It took me a long, agonizing time to finally look at myself and see myself. And, at the end of the day, I felt the exact same way you did. I lamented that I didn’t see the shell around me for so long. I felt that I missed a chance on life. However, as the changed came and I started to see the pathway to a better future for myself, all of it started to melt away. Now I feel that it would’ve been nice to start earlier, but you know what, I’m there. I’m doing right for myself. I’m decently far towards my goals. I’m living the life I was meant to this very moment. So I set my eyes towards my future and let the past be the past. After all, we can’t change our past, but we have the power to direct our futures.