I hope everyone had a great week last week. Hopefully this one turns out even better for everyone.
Finally got around to messing with eyeliner and... I cried.
I saw myself in the mirror and I saw myself.
And I laugh-cried out of joy.
It's so wild how something so seemingly small can be so significant.
It's finally starting to feel real.
honestly mood. i took some really nice "selfies" of myself a couple weeks ago that i thought i looked nice in because the really cheap webcam and warm lighting softened my face super hard. looking at them now i don't even think i look particularly femme, masc, or androgynous, but i look adorable, and the only "filter" was a 240p resolution. It really didn't take much
Congrats!! Eyeliner can be hard to start learning but it's really fun! And it doesn't take much to look really femme, even just a tiny stubby wing and half your upper eye adds a lot.
I learned liquid liner cause I like big bold wings. It's hard but if you keep doing it, you'll get it.
Yeah! I'm starting with liquid liner and I'm sure I'll learn it quickly enough. Thankfully my girlfriend is big into makeup so I have a bit of guidance.
Friends have been using my pronouns. My family stopped using any pronouns for me. I'll take that as a win.
I want to take T but also I haven’t come out to anyone yet and I don’t have a plan for how to do it
I already have a weird teen boy moustache without ever taking T so I’m really eager to see how powerful it will become with T
While I can't legally tell you how to do it right now, it's much smaller of a deal than people will have you believe. I DIY T without my family knowing and can answer questions you have here or on Discord if you want.
been reading about half of this "basic biology" textbook now and it's mostly shit about what kind of animals are herbivores. when do i get to the part where it says that trans people aren't real? i keep getting told by terfs to read this shit but i can't figure out why
Fun basic biology fact: Took part in a bar quiz on Saturday and one round was "name the parts of the vulva" and i could just rattle off all the medical terms like introitus vaginale because of my pre bottom surgery doctor-patient-talk and the paperwork with my insurance i had to file after that and all the cis women in the team where like "wth you're awesome how does anybody who isn't a doctor know this". Meanwhile another team couldn't find the clit, got super mad about it and started complaining to the organizers.
oh gee, do i have some news for you about "herbivores"
Show
Noooo animals have to fit into three neat little boxes you can't just leave your box like that
obligate carnivore
Obligated to eat some grass motherfucker
Recently watched a video of me from 4+ years ago and realized the closet was made of glass. Everyone in my wife's family and many of her friends had clocked me as a gay man, but that couldn't be because I was in a straight marriage 🤔 Everyone knew I was queer but me lol
This happen to anyone else???
Lots of love
That's perfectly fine and good, take it at your own pace and try to keep yourself comfortable and safe 💜
Surgery really scares me as much as I want it
The transphobic ppl in my life dont understand that we go into these things fully understanding what its going to be like
Like i know recovery is going to be hard, so why are you making it harder for me instead of supporting me through it
It's certainly exhausting, but recovery is kind of like that thing looming in the distance for so long that one day you realize is suddenly there. Of course there's always the risks of complication, but with a good support structure everything is so much more bearable. There's good progress to make and it's pretty clear to see too. Scary, but very much doable!
I hope the transphobes in your life disappear one day (by whatever circumstance)
Solidarity with my trans masc Brothers who have to bind their chest at all. I'm still not out to my family, but my boobs are getting pretty noticeable even when I wear a tight sports bra.
Had to use a bra I ordered that was way too small for me and remove the pads to make my boobs as flat as possible. Ouch. I salute you who do it for most of your day.
Just be careful as binding can damage the tissue. Sorry if you’re already aware of this.
goofy bloomer posting, navelgazing
All that blogging I did about body hair last mega feels really incredibly healthy to me. Between that and realising I never identified that closely with the "woman" label, I feel extremely at peace about me rn. I value this feeling of being at peace with my body, I'll never fucking ever take it for granted. I am zen, satisfied. Unbothered. Moisturised. Flourishing. Happy. In my lane. Not focused though 'cause lmao.
One of the problems I had was, I always knew it didn't work like this for everybody else, but in terms of myself transition and gender were so tied up in the medical aspect, because that was the biggest change in my life then, that I couldn't really consider it in more granularity, 'cause my stupid brain would go "if my gender changes, some physical or presentational aspect of me must also change". Plus the fact that I'm indifferent to they/them pronouns confused my tiny mind somewhat.
I also think my sad tiny mind needed the "woman" label back then, kid me sort of clung to it for a sense of validity. It was something I could angrily assert at people if they questioned me. But now I'm a lot more chill, (cohabiting with my wife, long removed from the struggles of obtaining HRT) I've come far enough to decouple all that stuff in my brain, really consider it for myself, interrogate it thoroughly, and it's made me feel a lot better. I don't feel like such a weird, out-of-place non-trans-woman, I am content to just be a vaguely transfeminine lesbian critter and not worry about it. To look at myself and my body and realise how content I am, that it really truly brings me joy being just how I am now.
I've been stuck in a first aid refresher course all day with a bunch of decrepit twats from the local côr meibion who threw a fit about the gender options on the forms that were handed 'round.
I swear to God if I hear one more fucker say,
CW: transphobia
"There's only two genders and if you're somehow confused about what one you are, look in your trousers."
, the class' gonna get a live example of how to treat lacerations.
Death to cishets, etc, etc.
I’m not gonna lie, but I would be openly hostile towards these people and probably get thrown out. These fuckers need reeducated in the gulag. But I am heavily combative with this shit and probably why I’ll never have stable work.
There are not words for how badly I wanted to throw hands but, like, kicking the shit out of a couple of the old men who sing at funerals would get me a bit more than dirty looks around town so... What could I do really?
During the lunch break, the bloke administering the classes went on this rant about Vaughn Gething conspiring against whites, so I didn't have much hope for help there either.
I didn’t mean physical assault, but rather berating them and being an asshole. Making sure they regret their life choices.
late night blehposting
Sometimes I feel sad about starting HRT in my 30s. I feel like I'll always regret spending my 20s trying so desperately to live up to everyone's expectations while disregarding my own. Not even fully understanding what I wanted because I wouldn't listen to myself. I wouldn't allow myself the truth. Told myself to just keep going, it didn't matter which direction. Every direction is away from where I was, who I was. Gaslighted myself. Ignored that voice until I couldn't any longer. Drowned her out with drink and drugs until that stopped working too. It came to a point where there was no more distractions and no more escape. Some eggs crack gracefully from within. But eggs that crack under external pressure only fall to pieces. Whether I was ready or not, I had to find myself and put myself back together in a configuration that fit me.
I am glad I ultimately figured it out even if it was not in the graceful way and I'm happy with myself and how far I've come even if it took me awhile. Though I can't help but wonder how things would be now if I had been stronger and braver and ready to cut ties sooner. If I had started HRT in my 20s (or through some miracle, my teens), would I feel better about myself if testosterone had less time to do its damage? Would I feel like less of an outlier and more connected if I was closer to the average age of the wider community when I started? How different would my life be now if only I could've found my way sooner and not worried so much about the opinions of others? Would I be spending less of my time writing all this self-absorbed sadsack shit online an hour after I should be asleep and more time touching grass? (probably not that last one)
If it's any consolation, I turn 37 in a few weeks and my egg cracked in January. I have my first appointment for hrt next month.
Drowned her out with drink and drugs until that stopped working too. It came to a point where there was no more distractions and no more escape
I deeply resonate with this. You're definitely not alone with these feelings.
I feel like I'll always regret spending my 20s trying so desperately to live up to everyone's expectations while disregarding my own.
I feel this in my bones. I frequently wish I'd spent less of my late teens and twenties trying to be a good christian boy and more figuring out who I actually am, instead of pushing all that so deep down that I didn't even realize it was there until I started deprogramming in my late 20s and finally ran across the concept of non-cis gender identities in my early 30s.
Saaaame timeline for me too! So much time living to other peoples expectations, suppressing every hint of personality or self expression if it conflicted with what was "proper". It's a bit sad to think about lost time, but I love who I am today and the broken pieces of my past life are slowly healing or finally being shed as dead weight.
One thing that we have to do is to try and not blame ourselves for our lack of action or awareness in our pasts. Constantly miring ourselves with “What ifs?” generally doesn’t lead to anywhere fruitful and just hogs one down with a large heaping pile of dysphoria. In my experiences, it has been very helpful to just focus on the here and now. Note that you’re making changes now. You are moving towards a better future for yourself. Even though you’re doing it later in life, you’re still making strides to becoming the real you.
I started HRT shortly after my egg cracked at 32. I was completely blind to myself and couldn’t see that I was trans. I never had the ability for introspection. It took me a long, agonizing time to finally look at myself and see myself. And, at the end of the day, I felt the exact same way you did. I lamented that I didn’t see the shell around me for so long. I felt that I missed a chance on life. However, as the changed came and I started to see the pathway to a better future for myself, all of it started to melt away. Now I feel that it would’ve been nice to start earlier, but you know what, I’m there. I’m doing right for myself. I’m decently far towards my goals. I’m living the life I was meant to this very moment. So I set my eyes towards my future and let the past be the past. After all, we can’t change our past, but we have the power to direct our futures.
