The photo is a 1974 photo of Leslie Feinberg, from the FBI file on hir. I've written a piece on my interpretation of Transgender Warriors and Trans Liberation, but I don't think it's quite polished enough, so I'll post it later. Instead, I'll go over hir FBI file: https://s3.amazonaws.com/NARAprodstorage/lz/dc-metro/rg-065/6282555/Batch0010/6282555_100-HQ-480756.PDF.
The FBI thought Feinberg could be violating the Communist Control Act, advocating the overthrow of the government, and engaging in rebellion. Needless to say, a hero to all of us. Feinberg was a member of the Workers World Party (the party still exists, but more notably PSL split from it), which apparently wasn't openly advocating for the overthrow of the U.S, they just think it's inevitable.
My favorite line? "captioned subject is believed to be a white female, who became male through some kind of sex change operation, and is possibly homosexual". Some interesting language choice, and it's an interesting snapshot into the evolution of Leslie's identity.
The FBI found Leslie's place of birth and birthdate from public school records. It's a bit of an interesting look into all of the many places the FBI can get their information, along with how information like that was so much more patchwork before the digital age.
"Interview of subject is not being recommended because of the questionable nature of his sexuality". Hmm, interesting.
It's interesting how their investigation spanned multiple cities, from Kansas City to NYC to Bufffalo to Boston. It probably involved quite a few officers, though I'm sure it wasn't the main focus for all of them.
There's some interesting mention about changes in Leslie's gender identity. Born a girl, for a time wearing a beard and mustache, then going back to "she". I'm sure we all know, Feinberg's gender didn't stop evolving there.
"Subject reportedly contributes all extra money to WWP", Leslie definitely was dedicated to the cause. Leslie doesn't attend NYC WWP meetings, but the FBI doesn't mention why.
The FBI isn't immune to typoes, Leslie did some "criminal terspass" that garnered some attention.They wasted some time checking if Leslie was in Boston, but verified where Leslie in NYC lived by pretending to be a part of the Voter Registration Commission.
There's a whole 43 pages of documents, all just from 1974-75. There's plenty of interesting tidbits in there, so maybe check it out.
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bottom dysphoria, sad, horny
I fucking hate masturbating. Fucking disgusting shit. The dysphoria, the sadness, the guilt, it all sucks. I never want to feel horny again. Why the hell does my brain do this shit to me.
suicide
bad
probably the worst I've posted, seriously
Honestly how tf can I not want to destroy my brain for what it puts me through? Fucking sick part of my body. Everything else tries to do its job at least. Not my brain. Deeply unwell, makes me feel awful constantly. So many issues, many not fixable. Should be destroyed. It will not be satisfied in life. If I had a gun right now I'd shoot myself. This feeling has only gotten worse with time and I don't see a way out. I felt a lot of these things as a teen and I do not wish to go back. Why, with the promise of clothes and hrt being soon (tm), am I continuing to get worse? Conditions get better and I feel worse? Deeply unserious. These spirals are almost every day at this point, and the fantasies are getting more graphic, more intense, longer lasting, everything. I can't go back to how things used to be.
Dear god why do I not have a gun.
I know this is a very selfish thing to post, so I may as well tell you all that I'm physically safe right now. I don't know how reassuring that is given all of what I just said but whatever, its the best reassuring I can give you, dear reader.
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Have you read Fucking Trans Women? There's probably some more gender affirming things you can do if you want to masturbate in a way that doesn't suck as bad. You also don't HAVE to if it hurts you so much, I mean it lowers the risk of cancer but you only have to like once a week or whatever to get the same effect. I bet when you get on HRT you'll feel a better and better as the T horny goes away.
Anyway, I remember the feeling. Shit sucks, sorry you're going through all this.
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Yea I have. Probably could look at it again some time when I'm in a better mood but tbh I don't remember anything I could do rn other then muffing (which did nothing for me). Its a "have to" in the sense that I'm a 20 something year old guy and it drives me crazy, especially because horny causes dysphoria. And tbh I was already sad when I started that just didn't help.
Thank you. Your empathy and listening always means a lot to me.
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I just don't feel like a girl right now.
tmi too
I do kinda like that sometimes, should try more variations of it. I was really upset before I started so I just wanted to get it over with. Thank you for the advice.
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I hate to see my comrades feeling guilty over anything
more sad/suicide shit
tbh I don't even deserve girl clothes, just want a gun.
Sorry I'm so shitty chat, if I was better I'd keep these thoughts to myself. Just can't stop myself from spreading sadness I guess.
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I cant speak for others, but my sadness is home grown, youre not spreading it here
Im sorry youre going through it right now. But also you 100% deserve girl clothes
Youre not shitty, i love reading through the mega and seeing you
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I don't really believe you. When I see sad shit I get sad, and this is some of the saddest shit anyone's posted.
Thank you. I'm glad you like seeing me around.
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It does make me sad that youre going through this, but it also makes me feel less alone. Youve got a lot of similar issues to myself, and you have the, idk what to call it, courage? Wherewithall? But point being you actually post and open up about everything, and it makes me feel less alone. All the days where ive flipflopped from "I am amazing and beautiful" to "gee its a good thing I dont own a gun...", all the dysphoria (bottom and otherwise) that just wont stop stabbing me that I cant bring myself to describe, idk, i just feel less alone. So maybe your posts do bring up sadness for me, but its sadness that was there long before i found hexbear, and its sadness that isnt going away any time soon for me, so its not really making me sad. Plus, i want you to have a place to share, a place to be heard and seen, and i want to be a part of that (however small i may be).
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I feel empathy too eggy, I feel sadness too. But it's not eally spread more shared and people here want you to feel better and don't mind you sharing how you feel if it helps you get that feeling out. I hope you feel better soon. Got some decent tips too here.
:meow-hug: thank you Ash.
Anytime you need, Eggnog
we just love you and want you okay, eggnog
self harm talk
Tried sharpening my dull pos knife, won't sharpen. Probably not salvageable.
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aww, cutie
dont know if you really want to believe/hear how it gets better (yes even the masturbation) but it will.
this mega is the most I've took part in HB in a while and you're one of the reasons. so just post if you feel like it helps
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I want to believe you, I just can't right now.
Aw
I always love seeing you. I'll try to I guess. A lot of people seem supportive. It definitely helps.
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eventually your outer shell will match the inner cuteness of your mind, cutie. even in your own mind.
it's impossible to believe i know, trust me i've been there (likely a lot of us have).
suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
we will drag the cute girl from within you to be visible always, eventually
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Yeah, can relate a bit. My brain hates me a lot of the time. Thankfully I just mean it makes me suffer, and not that I have a lot of shame. I want to socialize, but most opportunities are extremely overwhelming. I love to learn but school is a hell. I get miserable obsessing about things no one else cares about. I am so much less in control of my actions and feelings than “normal” people.
It’s not that I don’t hold myself to uniquely high standards in many cases, but I have an outlook that gives me some grace. Essentially remember that the past is unchangable and there is no alternative timeline in which things went better. Philosophical determinism helps me not be mad at things that hurt me and sometimes not be hard on myself for circumstances outside my control that cause me to act outside my interests. It’s possible to keep moving and try to act in accordance with your values, avoiding judgements that make suffering worse.
Cis horny fucking sucks, but it went away pretty quickly for me when I was on blockers.