K (189?–?) Soviet pioneer. From Kazan, Tartarstan, USSR, K was diagnosed as a ‘transvestite’ in 1937.
She was given permission by the People’s Court to wear female clothing, her identity papers were changed to her female name, and her name was removed from the military recruitment rolls.
She was featured in a 1957 gynaecology textbook.
M.G. Serdiukov. Sudebnaia ginekologiia I sudebnoi akusherstvo. Moscow: Meditsina 1957: 47-8.
Dan Healey. Homosexual Desire in Revolutionary Russia: The Regulation of Sexual and Gender Dissent. Chicago and London: The University of Chicago Press, 2001: fig 24.
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ignore me, im being weird or some shit.
I know, and I am, its just hard to keep that internalized and axiomatic in the face of gestures vaguely at existence.
Part of the issue is that the unwantableness isnt the thought, its part of what the thought is predicated on. I rarely actively think im unworthy of something, its just reflected in my thoughts, if that makes sense. Like here my feeling was one of anxiety, of uncertainty; there was no thought. It wasnt until later that it clicked that this feeling was coming out of my struggling to be genuine with people, which itself comes out of my shapeshiftery masking to make people not hate me, and that comes out of my feeling of being unwantable. Its so far removed from my active thoughts that I dont know how to get to it, how to interrupt that process; i feel like I have to pull so many layers off to get to that axiom and question it and destroy it. And even then, it didnt arise out of nothing. It arose from social punishments meted out against me when I was a kid, from people leaving like they always do, from people being my friend out of pity, etc.
Idk, im mostly rambling at this point...
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Knowing that this is a faulty core belief (unworthiness) is actually a considerable step forward, because often people come into therapy feeling anxious and bad and so on but getting to the root of those bad thoughts is a few sessions deep. So it's good you've identified it! You've actually made good progress on your own, you should feel proud and should identify this strength of yours for self-awareness. A CBT worksheet will show a negative belief that you connect to a core belief and then you provide alternative beliefs.
So when I say I think 5 positive thoughts for every negative, it doesn't mean every time a core belief surfaces that I think 5 positive thoughts (core beliefs rarely surface) I mean those distantly connected negative thoughts. Anyway, I think you could get tools like that to work for you with CBT focused treatment.
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I know what you mean, and i agree, but theres also that part of me saying, with a sardonic depressed tone, "i made good progress when I was 16. The more-than-a-decade since then has been me trying and failing to do anything about it (or anything at all really)"
And i do try to feel pride in the ways Im strong, but i often end up feeling terribly conceited for it yk?
Im really good at analyzing myself, at self-insight, at understanding the various internal processes occuring. But i cant make changes happen. Even when I know what to do, why it will work, and want to do it, i struggle to shift how I approach things, how I engage with things.
And like, ive done therapy, but not in a while and not cbt. Maybe something to look at, if i can ever figure out of health insurance and get some kind of job so I can afford it lol.