hi so i forgot to message the person who was next (sorry HelltakerHomosexual) so i'm just gonna talk about a thing i like
Shadow the Hedgehog is a character that appears in the Sonic the Hedgehog series. Characterized by his sharp wit and strong sense of purpose, Shadow is a recurrent arch-rival of Sonic the Hedgehog, whom he resembles and shares many abilities. He is a major supporter of trans people, as evidenced by his catchphrase, "Trans people are cool!"
^ this is all from the wiki btw
I like Shadow a lot. His first appearance in the series is in a game where him and Sonic are both fighting the government and destroying these multi-million dollar gunships. Sonic is doing it because he loves communism but Shadow is doing it because he has a blood feud against G.U.N., who are like the global government death squads because they killed this girl, Maria, who he was best friends with.
Maria basically had an incurable illness that Eggman's grandpa was trying to cure by creating an immortal lifeform, which is actually how Shadow was born. Also, Shadow has a copy of Maria's soul I guess? Seriously, look it up. I'm reading all this shit for the first time right now and that sounds kinda trans to me.
Anyway, she gets shot by the troops and despite Maria telling Shadow to be normal and happy, Eggman's grandpa is pissed off about it so he starts psyopping Shadow into wanting to kill everyone on Earth. Eggman's grandpa successfully does the psyop and locks Shadow away until Eggman finds and releases him.
With his newfound power, Shadow starts being evil and helping Eggman find the Chaos Emeralds because he sees him piss on the moon or something. This goes on for a while until he gets back on the space station and remembers what Maria said, deciding to finally be normal and happy.
He switches up, goes Hyper Shadow and helps Sonic defeat the Biolizard which is basically what it sounds like: a giant lizard who wears the space station like a little jacket and shoots lasers from his mouth. Also, that thing was the prototype Ultimate Lifeform before they decided on the optimal form of existence: a little bipedal anthro hedgehog.
So they beat this lizard up, I guess it dies and then the space station is hurtling toward the Earth. Shadow takes a Chaos Emerald and, with the help of Sonic, does one last Chaos Control on the space station, returning it to a stable altitude. Sonic finds himself back on the space station as he flies into the atmosphere. After this, a big semi-translucent Shadow appears on top of the Earth and everyone can see it.
Why would I lie about that? Here it is.
Anyway, a bunch of shit happens after that but I don't care about it. If someone else wants to talk about Shadow the Hedgehog (2005) feel free. What I really wrote this out to justify talking about is the moon in Sonic games. Like I said before, the moon gets pissed on and destroyed with the help of Shadow,
and then in the next game it's just fine but evil now(???)
and after THAT it's not evil anymore but it's fully intact:
What the fuck? Why? How? I watched it get blown up. Who put the moon back together? Anyway, we're getting in the weeds here. Welcome to the mega.
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cw: dysphoria
Seeing new therapist recently, he is quite cis, maybe slightly brainwormed but wtf............ he's actually quite good...... got me to come out and admit I'm just boymoding wtf (even saying that rn feels so fucking fake and wrong for some reason but then why did it feel so good to just say it ;w;). I couldn't tell him my non-deadname when he asked, maybe next time
I have never cried or felt like I could be actually be vulnerable or perfectly honest before when I was seeing therapists :(
Somehow it's normal for me, so normal I don't even notice it a lot of the time, that I have an immense amount of shame and guilt and self-hatred for just existing ;w;
The only thing I hate more than myself is this sick, disgusting society for making me be so broken inside (I would also like to thank my dad for the part he played as well even if he's also broken inside, very well done, very nice, keep it up)
Can people come back from this or is it joever for me? Genuinely asking cuz I can't imagine ever not being destroyed by self-hatred and shame and just living openly as whatever the fuck I am cuz idk where these feelings even came from
DEATH TO AMERICA, UNLIMITED, INFINITELY VARIED DESTRUCTION ON THE BURGERREICH FOR CAUSING THE UNENDING SUFFERING OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE
spoiler
I felt very similar to you a few years ago. Was very depressed and did not feel like I could ever get better. Felt like I was broken in many ways and just overal a dysfunctional person.
Learned through therapy that those feelings came through trauma, and that they’re not normal. I used to cope by distracting myself always (still do to some degree), either through work, college or rotting in bed watching slop. Had to be in bed a lot of the time because the energy it took to ignore my trauma and negativity thoughts was a lot.
Through therapy I’m still untangling the mess of multiple sources of trauma and I think I’m nearing the end stage of that, because a lot of my bad habits and negative feelings have a very clear source now. Knowing the source of a negative feeling makes it much easier to not take serious.
For example, I have a big problem with guilt, the smallest source of guilt would make me spiral. Now that I know why guilt makes me feel so incredibly bad, I know that it’s not because of the small thing I did wrong, but because of a trauma response that makes me feel all the bad feelings I felt as a kid. It’s easier to accept that the feeling is there when the source is so clear, and I know now that I don’t really have to address it and can just wait till it’s over.
Now that I don’t constantly get bombarded with very strong negative feelings without a clear source, I feel a lot more at rest which gives me confidence that I can now work on changing some of my bad habits that I used for coping.
Like I truly never believed I could be happy with myself and feel some kind of inner peace but now I am and I do a lot of the time. And when I don’t then I know it’s because I didn’t sleep well for a while or because I’m stressed about something and know that I’ll get the feeling back after a while.
There are people who have very different experiences with therapy than me so I won’t say it’s a definite ‘cure’ but there are a lot of people who have at least felt some relief through therapy and the issues you mention make you a good candidate for it.
You won't be what you're thinking of, but you can put the pieces back together, on a spectrum from kintsugi to ikeahacking
Which isn't always more fun than just being broken, but sometimes it is.
you can heal from trauma. i know it's hard as shit and it's a long road but it's important to remind yourself of that i think. you can heal. you will feel better than this
Mood
Have little words rn cuz I am crying ;w;
There must be a way right? For years I couldn't even recognize these feelings are what they are until recently...... that has to be progress toward a something
I think there is a way... recognizing the feelings is such a huge step and some people never get to the stage you're at. I am just a broken person out somewhere on the internet trying to figure it all out too, but I do feel confident that you can get through this despite all of the society and the familial factors that made you this way, because I used to struggle with self-hatred & shame a lot in the past too and I'm still alive and I think I've made a lot of progress. Today I feel joy and proud of who I am, which are not things I could have felt years ago. I refuse to believe it's joever for anyone, because I believed the same things back then.
I hope you're right
Am really really glad, living with this stuff is not only agonizing and unhealthy but... in the end, completely unnecessary
Same tbh, is weird how little kindness I show to myself. Like I see so many happy people who reject the shame and self-hatred brainworms and refuse to repress themselves anymore (at least when it's physically safe). Not even just trans people but also autistic people and LGBT people of all kinds and even just...... (this is probably more important to me than it should be) furries or therians. I'm more open than to anyone else than my friends who are part of all of the aforementioned groups in some combination yet I still live with this cop-wolf in my head that won't let me just...... be myself all the time without asking for forgiveness ;w;
Feel a little better after crying, just feel rly exhausted now. I wanna write more cuz your response means a lot to me but I gotta go rest now, posting energy depleted
I hope that you can rest and feel better soon. I'm usually lurking around here these days so feel free to respond whenever you would like, no pressure :)
CW mentions of self-harm
I think this is such a big step tbh - if I had to (in my completely unprofessional opinion) sketch out how I think this stuff went for me, I think it'd be like this:
I still apologize a lot. It's tough, I'm seeing a therapist about various things like autism and relationships and other stuff, but I feel like I'm in a better place than I was two months ago. I too had the experience of this therapist being the first one that I actually got anything out of - previous ones I would just talk to, completely masked, it was such a waste of money...