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Not to sound like a puritan but yeah it's fucked up there's a counter for "marriages"
Tbh without an explicit counter I'd probably flat out forget to visit my family in Cincinnati.
"on tinder for 128 days"
that' s some psychotic shit right there
yea thats just fucking pathetic. i feel like this person either lacks personality, social skills or just didnt actually try at all. there are definitely some tips that would help people. a lot of it is probably the picture selection. you want one where you shown to be adventurous/open to new things and one that shows you have a social life. straight men take pretty bad pictures though, from what i've seen.
they definitely didn't try at all, they swiped on almost literally every person they came across
i wouldn't call that trying tbh, might as well use an autoclicker or some shit. i am a man who uses tinder fairly successfully and i think swiping sparsely and genuinely with people who you think are hot but also have depth is a much more effective method. besides, the algorithm thinks swiping right on everyone is suss as fuck because it's bot behavior and you will definitely suffer the wrath of the algorithm and have a shitty experience on tinder.
sure, that's fair. i don't mean to sound cruel or anything. i can empathize but it is a misunderstanding of the app and what you're doing with your profile, which is commodifying yourself. and everything you commodify about yourself on tinder gets filtered through an algorithm. i guess i can't blame anyone for not knowing that, but tinder is definitely not like lotto tickets to talk to people. it's a lot more complex and ambiguous than that and people learn things about the algorithm from experience and trial and error because obviously tinder doesn't tell you how it works.
but on a much more surface level, i also think having standards is appropriate and usually helps clarify what you're looking for. if you swipe right on everyone, i wouldn't blame anyone for being suspicious of motives. honestly probably better to take the opposite approach and state exactly what you're looking for in hard terms, alienating everyone except those that fit what you've described.
except for personality ones
sounds like that's a standard. but if someone truly didn't have any standards i would either suggest standards as a way of locating a suitable person (and to a large degree, valuing yourself) or if you truly accept all people as they are (which i'm skeptical of, for example i wouldnt date a chud) then maybe that's a more open hearted view of people than i'm prone to understand, but more power to you. if that's the case, unfortunately tinder is working against you but luckily it's hardly the only way to meet people even if it is probably most convenient. but if you have no standards then i think you could meet a suitable person literally anywhere if there's mutual interest.
my inclination is to suggest that maybe that issue (if it even is an issue to you or your friend) would be better solved by introspection and understanding of yourself.
idk, i'm not a therapist and i'm all fucked up too. i feel in over my head here.
that means they swiped right on a ton of profiles that were very obviously fake
you want one where you shown to be adventurous/open to new things and one that shows you have a social life.
what if I'm not adventurous? I just want to hang out with a cute girl, not go sky-diving or some shit
I also prefer to spend most of my time alone, even if I'd like to spend some of that time with friends or with a gf if I had one. But fuck me for not being a "social butterfly" when I am just barely scraping by in this ridiculous hellscape
there's a lot of middleground between total hermit and social butterfly
yeah, so why do I need a pic where I look like I'm at the social butterfly end?
Using tinder just makes me more depressed and lowers my self esteem tbh. I recently re-downloaded it since I moved to a new city, but it's been the same as it ever was. I swipe right the maximum free amount I can every 12 hours, only get <5 matches over the course of like a week, none of which ever respond to the message I send.
A cis girl I knew once mentioned something about having her notifications for the app turned off because of all the matches she gets. I kinda was just silently stunned... the shock of the different worlds she and I inhabit. Being an unattractive, fat dork who's a trans woman, I've never so much as had anyone in my life ever even express attraction to me, much less ever gone on a date or been in a relationship. And yet there are people out there for who the only reason they're not in a relationship is personal choice - that they could have one, the validation and affection therein, in a heartbeat if they so desired.
Sorry if this is bordering on incel shit. I've just been quite down about all this kinda stuff recently.
Theres a difference between expressing distress and creating a misogynistic ideology. You're okay.
This is why incel ideology is so popular: a lot of the things that they argue aren't entirely untrue. As a mentally ill cis dude I've always noticed that cis women generally have a much easier time socializing and building relationships (important: these are not necessarily good or healthy relationships) because people are generally drawn to them regardless of how fucked up they are whereas if you are a guy no one actually really gives a shit about you if you aren't rich and hot and no one is ever going to approach you or like, actually even have an interest in you if you aren't incredibly forward and outgoing to begin with.
I've been told I'm not even unattractive ("above average") but I have literally never had a woman interested in me, and I'm not like a misogynistic ogre or anything, I'm just very withdrawn. I had a few female friends who were also as shy and withdrawn as I am (and mentally ill) and they had multiple relationships, most of which did not take much effort to start at all.
It's honestly so much worse depending on where you are at too, I've accepted I'm probably going to die completely alone just because the dating pool in my area has you competing with literal millionaires and other high achievers for women with college degrees.
It's not hard to see why some people just descend into homocidal rage.
so ive been a bit on both sides of it. while it sucks to feel so alone as a guy, its worse ime to feel like a dude is gonna try to fucking hunt me down to kill me at 3am after i stop talking to him for being a whackjob
like i got 3000 messages last time i went on. did maybe 8 dates. i cant say anything there was high quality and enjoyable until i started looking for socialists exclusively, pretty quickly found my bf who is awesome.
a synopsis of some messages i got :
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you fucking bitch i know this entire city its small ill find you you cant ignore me!!!
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you are a t***** and youre going to hell for trying to tempt people you demon (after he superliked me ofc)
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lets fuck
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hey
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yo its 3am wanna come over to my place and give me head (i said serious stuff only)
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weird fetishizing stuff about me being trans or czech
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guy asks if i did porn like all czech women do???
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why is 'app' recommending dudes to me
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weird fetish stuff, like a guy seriously offering me a job to be his secretary at work
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actually nice people who would interact with things i said on my profile (re: my bf)
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having an ok convo with people but it just trails off awkwardly because they refuse to interact with stuff on my profile while i interact with stuff on theirs
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hey baby how big is your dick
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lesbian girl asks if i like topping with my dick (no i dont and i mentioned i dont like sex stuff early on in my bio so she just didnt read anything i said)
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dick pics
i got so many transphobes matched to me that some poor customer service lady took pity on me and gave me lifetime premium for free after they reported a guy to the police on my behalf lol
maybe 40 genuinely nice guys out of 3000. went on dates with like 1/4th of em
i dont fucking know. but it really was a neverending stream of shit hitting me in the face. after i got the free premium i was able to search profiles for socialist terms and i got a way better experience.
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I think it's more a attractive people thing then a cis woman thing.
I doubt I'd get many matches on Tinder
No one gives a fuck about ugly women
I think incel ideology is flawed because they see a couple of super attractive women having success and think thats all women. That would be like if I based all dudes on that one chad guy whos always getting laid.
men have extremely low standards compared to women
Lmao
Yeah that's why women spend so much time and money poodling up, because men have low standards
men have extremely low standards compared to women
IME (huge generalization incoming) men want a dude who's white, lean and DTF. Women want a dude who's non threatening, baths, and wears clothes that fit. It's just different.
you're not gonna die alone mate, but it does sound like you gotta change up your strategy. like, give up on apps probably. the dating scene's totally fucked but that's the water from the bottom of the garbage can there.
Pretty much. I saw my parents fight so much as a kid (memorable moment: my mom called the cops on my dad after a "fight" and got him thrown in jail on domestic charges despite him not having done anything) and I was like "wow that looks like bullshit" and I think I've kind of been super withdrawn as a result of that. I'm honestly kind of terrified of women, like, not in the standard social anxiety way but I automatically assume basically everyone, especially women, is completely unhinged behind closed doors. My mom used to punch my dad's arm until it was black, and would threaten him with the police almost nonstop for the most minor transgressions.
I went to school in a bad area too and got shitted on predictably as a extremely skinny, short guy with long hair and whose mom would (intentionally?) send me to school with like pink shirts and shit and got beat up and made fun of all the time and combine this with the lack of a safe environment at home pretty much my entire life and a feeling of deep rejection as a kid (in the form of beatings lmao) I come to realize I am very closed off to others, and it's almost impossible for me to see things in a light that isn't negative. I have far too much evidence to the contrary and I generally tend to believe in truth (despite my ideals) that human nature leans towards cruelty more than it does kindness.
I distinctly remember in the first/second grade thinking that I was never going to have a girlfriend (people were already talking in those terms with each other lmao and I was becoming/already extremely shy) so I genuinely never ever bothered to talk to women. I have tangentially had a handful of female acquaintances by sheer chance and luck which is probably why I'm not an unironic "incel" (and a common theme with incels is dysfunctional families and instead of being beat up by guys being beat up by girls - I actually fucking hated other men and still kind of do lmao) but I just have never made an effort to talk to women. Even one of my coworkers who was being kind of a dick managed to find out I have never been in relationship was like "why don't you just approach people?" but my social reality is just so fucked I can't even really think of doing that. I don't even know what to say and I've come to realize I probably have PTSD and any relationship I would be in would be beyond disastrous because I need a LOOOOOOOT of help, more than this society can probably give. I don't even think I had a particular "bad" childhood, but I think there was such a consistent amount of emotional neglect and denial that my brain straight up doesn't work right. Like I can't even make friends, I don't have a "strategy" for women because that shit to me is like walking into like, Multivariate Calculus after having passed Basic Arithmetic with a C. I'm getting closer to 30 and realistically it's far too late to figure out how to do stuff people learned to do when they were in the awkward middle school phase of nascent sexuality and romance and then later refined in highschool and college.
This shit is difficult for normal ass people, being some internet brained communist with severe mental health issues and niche personality quirks and interests from having spent all your time (and I mean almost ALL of it - my entire late teens to early 20's I literally talked to almost nobody beyond a few coworkers) is like impossible mode
If this is too :doomjak: mods can delete but you know it is HARD for some people out there
edit: I'm also not white :agony-soviet: People say this is not an issue, but it is. My first language technically isn't even English, and I have a different cultural background and general expectations as compared to many of the people who have gentrified my area
yeah i don't mean at all to imply that one "just" has to execute such-and-such steps and you'll find love. i know it's not easy under the best circumstances. what i meant to convey was, don't give up, humans aren't meant to live in solitude, love is out there, idk. i still think unless you're looking for something very particular, the apps are imposing death on oneself.
I had way more success with it when i paid for it. maybe it makes sense that it should be that way. mostly because that gives you the ability to "superlike"(i think that is what it was called, i havent used in 4ish years now) 5 times a day and that actually gets you noticed without the having the other person swiping right on you. Also, women are often overwhelmed by the amount of messages/matches they get. You either need to stand out somehow or you sink into the rest of the people, like a person going for a job. but the superlike shit got me noticed way more.
i dont want this to seem sad or weird, but honestly without okcupid(quite a while ago) and tinder its possible i never would have had dates. i tried asking friends of friends out and its just never worked. i think i need an intro.and im not walking up to a stranger in a bar and saying heyyyy. nah.
i agree it's lame as hell. it did help so it wasnt a total ripoff for me, at the least.
I'm in the same boat, really. Tried dating apps, had a few chats, but nothing ever really went anywhere. Approaching strangers feels like sex pest behavior and trying to start a romance with a friend feels manipulative, so I can't see myself doing those, either. Don't like the thought of dying alone, but it beats dying alone and being some poor woman's horror story.
highscore is clearly racking up as many marriages as possible
I remember I had a teacher who told us that girlfriends work like jenga and the goal is to get as many as possible before they find out about each other
from what i've heard, swiping right too much bumps you down in the algorithm, makes you look desperate
This exactly.
It actually doesn't matter that much at all how you look or what your profile says. This is the logic of the market applied to dating. You are explicitly commodifying your romantic life when you use these apps, and scarce commodities are valued higher.
Swipe left on 90% of the people, use your best photos and only your best (use facetune if you have to, I haven't but a lot of ppl do), and keep a sparse, ambiguous profile where folks can project what they want onto you. That's how relationships work anyway.
Voila, now everytime you log in you will be flooded to an annoying degree. Look forward to a lot of noise to get to the signal. Bad sex, bad dates, and so on are the norm. You'll occassionally also have a good time and meet rad folks, which makes the other headaches worthwhile.
A lot of men think they can "game" tinder by just swiping right on everything. It's one of the most bird-brained solutions, because literally any competent app would design around this possibility, and it would seem they already did. I have literally never heard of any woman who did the same, however every woman that has had the app for 2 minutes or more has a few saved pictures on her phone with the weirdest comments made by dudes on dating apps.
just spitballing here, but we gotta bring back the custom of setting acquaintances up with each other. if you got single friends out there, play a bit of matchmaker.
It has very low odds of working out and high odds of making things super awkward for the matchmaker friend.
Dating apps are awful and mostly ruined by thirsty, pervy dudes, but at least you stand a good chance of having something in common with the person when you finally get a date.
I feel like there were a lot of aspects of dating that needed an overhaul, mostly because most of them were based on long gone social structures and just straight up patriarchy. Dating apps seem to be the new thing that's replacing everything else and sadly good things like setting up acquaintances seem to be going away. I don't know anyone who does that anymore....
This seems like it could be woven into some kind of app somehow. Like instead of the app playing matchmaker, your friends can anonymously feed you profiles for people they know who they think you might like or something
i think there's money there but the concept revolts me for reasons i can't articulate
guy must be very unfortunate
my bf went on an app and found me after messaging 3 people. i personally sifted through 3000 dudes messaging me insane shit until i found him. been together 5+ years might marry
yeah the sift was insane cause like, it was just a neverending stream of shit. i swear to god if a guy is a genuinely nice person and messages about something on my profile he's already in the top 0.001% of humanity
I have a feeling that apps keep people lonely because it reduces social interactions to like basically a catalogue of meat
Like I've had faaaarrrrr more luck with getting hot guys (including a couple dates with a pretty prominent porn actor) in person than on apps. There's just so much nuance and stuff that you miss out on apps than in person.
But most people (and I really do mean MOST people) have been socialially atomized so much its really hard to relate to others more and more.
Noooo actually 5 pictures and three sentences are more than enough to tell if someone is worth your time, it's not alienating at all. /s
This describes my experience very well... well except the porn actor, lol. But I still would like to have a solution to this social atomization....
Dating apps are a special sort of awful. When my bf and I got on tinder looking for casual side dates it really exposed some imbalances - he'd swipe on basically any girl he might be slightly interested in and had almost no matches, while I found myself raising my standards a lot because I'd match with just about everyone I liked, as a pretty average looking trans woman.
Like 90% of the matches I got led to nothing ofc - dudes just tryna bang or people who I stopped finding interesting, or people who missed the part where I said I'm trans - but I still probably arranged my bf more dates than he found himself. Just being a woman completely changed how I experienced the app.
Had some fun dates though. Slightly less horny than Grindr and a lot of cool bi chicks in my area.
It wouldn't surprise me if they would purposely screw over some users, then turn around and sell that data to companies promoting masculinity or beauty-enhancing products.
Actually, they probably do this to every user in some way. Fucking capitalism rewards this kind of behavior, especially when the US doesnt have any laws forbidding it.
Yeah, numbers game is in women's favor that's for sure, it kinda turned the gross "sexual marketplace" thing libertarians talk about into a real thing w/ supply and demand and all that lol
it is impossible to vibe check the creepiness level of dudes on dating sites
I think it's the biggest obstacle to gender parity. Having just one bad experience is soooo off-putting.
for a while i literally had an edgelord line about killing and eating small business owners in my profile on the assumption that it would be better to be up front about being unhinged and annoying so they know what they're getting into. turns out that doesn't work!
it worked for me and my bf :comfy:
eventually was just like 'if you aint a commie just scoot'
unfortunately my previous romance started because of my mental illness-posting on tumblr. that kind of success isn't really reproducible.
eventually was just like ‘if you aint a commie just scoot’
I'd write that, but I'd be worried about some chud recognizing me and doing violence to me IRL
yeah maybe. i recognized one guy and one girl that i chatted to on there once and we all kinda just :lenin-sleeping: on it
How do people manage to keep going with stats like this
Alone , they go alone..
i think this is someone's self-reported outcomes, possibly /r/dataisbeautiful
holy shit this is a site that you can (i'm assuming pay someone to) get your tinder stats visualized for you. and for what reason? capitalism is wild
Hey, it could be 2nd order capitalism! Like, maybe some poor CS major made this thing to show off on their resume or “portfolio” or some other such maniacal thing
Love how it tracks your mirages, healthy sign for sure.
