I call myself “ostensibly cishet” because I look very much like a straight man, but I certainly don’t feel like a man and live in an area where my life would be destroyed if I referred to myself as something else
My use of language in the above sucks, but as a kid, I would always hang out at “the girls table” or in “the girls section” because the guys would always pick on me. It’s made life super difficult because when I meet a friend who is a woman now and ask them to hangout, their assumption is always that I want a partnership.
I literally only have one female friend who isn’t like this. It’s gotta be the fucking patriarchy right
Anyways, it’s so fucking lonely.
Why are apps only for people looking to fuck/get into relationships :/
I have way more female friends than male. They say it’s because they feel safe around me. I give off very strong platonic vibes because I’m not really attracted to women unless there’s a super strong connection and even then it usually ends up being more platonic than anything else with the rare exception.
I don’t like being around men that much because most of the conversations are shallow, repetitive, and extremely bigoted. The male friends I have are much more open-minded and that’s because I’m very selective about who I befriend
The shallowness and repetitiveness of male interactions really kill me. One of my male friends only wants to talk about internet bullshit. It's painful. I hope to god that's not how I make people feel.
How would straight white dudes bond without racism and misogyny?
In my case it’s mostly straight brown men saying that shit
I like to show my 💍 or mention my wife earlier in the conversation. Also that it was me rather than her who suggested couple therapy.
Very cishet dude here; outside of a core group of dudes i met in middle and highschool, 90% of my other close friends have been women. I just dont always vibe super hard with dudes and its not like I'm going to invite them out to beers by ourselves, but with women its just always felt natural.
Same. Growing up, it always felt like we always had to banter or one up each other when we were in our male friend circles. It was difficult to have serious conversations aside from one or two people because everyone was uncomfortable and immediately turned it into a joke. But when I was with my female/coed friend circles discussions were usually more open, more diverse. Didn’t feel like I need to put up any sorta mask. However, you do have to be aware of this because many times guys will start using their female friends as therapists because no one else in their lives is willing to listen. Some girls don’t mind, others do.
I’m assuming that natural connection is why girls are usually first to open up and divulge more personal information to me compared to guys in my experience.
Yeah I have like two male friends from when I was a kid and basically every close friend I've had since then has been a woman.
i think i feel the same way, i dunno, i miss the kinds of friendships with boys i had when i was younger :/
still have 1-3 of those but we don't interact all that much...
I have exactly zero friends who are traditionally masculine men, and I would say nearly all of friends are fem-presenting. I do have male friends, but they are cool, gentle, nerdy people. Recently I have realized that I don't like being referred to as a "man", but I do feel like a male, whatever that means. I do have male friends, but I am most comfortable among women. I wonder recently if this is just a rejection of patriarchy, rather than a gender dysphoria, like, I just don't like hanging around men because frankly they're rude, obnoxious, and misogynist. And I don't like being called a man because that would posit me within that group.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
Everytime cis white male coworkers think only cis white men are listening the things they say blows my mind.
Like admitting to cheating, sexist comments, racism, transphobia etc.
I remember hearing one guy boast about installing a tracking app on his girlfriends phone.
You know what women coworkers say when they think men aren't listening?
"My boyfriend said I was getting fat, I need to lose weight." -Actual thing a woman coworker has said to me
I’m not even white. But conservative/libertarian white guys (and sometimes non white guys) will start telling their insane views and complaints within like 2 days of knowing me. It must be because I’m Asian because sometimes they’ll lower their voice and look behind their back at a room full of other white people/conservatives before turning back to me and saying some stupid bullshit. Like dog I got small eyes, and that’s enough for you to assume that I agree with your annoying ass 💀
yup, why the heck are these guys talking to me about how they 'manage' their wives/girlfriends?? and why suggest i do that stuff when i mention some troubles i have in my relationship???
i've recently read a tumblr post which resonated with me, but can't find anymore. It was something like this:
Men perform violence against non-men, but also, the way men exist can only exist because men perform violence against non-men. Dismantling patriarchical violence therefore also means dismantling manliness as we know it.
I don't really have deeper analysis than this, so also just some thought :)
edit: found the post
Many people on this site seem to be some variation of me which is cool but I wish I could find those people in meat space
It's a bit more recent for me (although as a kid boys/girls were always very separated), but I definitely gravitate towards women more. I feel like I "connect" with them better. Maybe the guys I meet just have bad social skills though.
I’m straight. I would say that I had a mixture of 60% male and 40% female friends, but an equal amount of acquaintances in either gender. While I had crushes like almost every grade, the idea that “you can’t be friends with the opposite gender” was never instilled in me, and luckily my family never did the “sexualized teasing” where they’d ask about my “girlfriends” or “dates” when I was just a kid, and cooties never really caught on at my school.
I also don’t think it’s your fault or any individual guy’s fault if a girl automatically thinks you’re hitting on them even if you’re just trying to be friends. I imagine most of them have experienced some outright dangerous situations with men and choose to be more cautious. It’s also not always about hostility, sometimes it’s just having uncomfortable experiences; I mean, whom amongst us have not misinterpret basic human kindness and attention from a girl as her falling in love with us?
It’s patriarchy, sure, but specifically it’s because we are rarely taught how to express or process any emotions from within or from others lol. We basically have to navigate it ourselves and many of our misconceptions are never addressed. And maybe you were taught those things or learned it, but unfortunately other people’s upbringing and mindsets will also affect our relationships without ever even meeting us.
Yep me, although I'm bi. Sometimes I wish I had a few dude friends, but I'm just bad at making friends in general.
Yup.
Once I got old enough that other people wouldn't pick on me for hanging around girls more than boys, pretty much all of my closest friends switched from males to females.
Recently saw a jubilee vid (🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮) with neurotypicals and neurodivergents and one guy echoed the sentiment of this post exactly
Yeah, uh, men in general scare me I think because I am scared of my dad. Men who appear to have qualities more typically associated with femme-presenting people are the ones I tend to get along with more.
Obviously I'm not saying some traits or characteristics are essentially femme or for women, only, in the region I'm in, if you asked a bunch of people, probably more than 50% would presume other traits as being masculine rather than the ones I am referring to. Stuff like using words like 'cute', having great tasting cocktails, enjoying spas, hair removal procedures on their face (like between the eyebrows and in the upper cheek), etc.
Yep, definitely. I do have some friends who are men but often we I don't really like most men I meet. I've also been confused for gay often in the past (am bi, prefer femme, even pickier with men sexually than socially).
More recently I do also feel like some think I'm looking for a partner, or unicorn hunting. Which I'm not, but I am a poly slut so that is a possibility, which definitely complicate things.
i hope it's not insensitive to ask, how does the being confused for gay tend to manifest? they make like gay jokes or describe you as gay when introducing you to others or? i'm having a hard time imagining how that would look irl...
It doesn't happen much anymore but people would just ask "are you gay?" Or assume I was closeted or something.
Homophobic remarks too, back in high school, calling me the f-slur or gay (derogatory)
wow, just up in your face about it huh? yeah the f***** bothered me quite a bit, it didn't help that kids would say "im just saying bundle of sticks! why do you care so much??
Once elementary school was over and gender division was rigidly socially enforced cause 90s, not by anyone in authority but self policed cause hanging out with girls was gay. Since then, pretty much an even split. I was once asked by a server out front if I have 'man colds' and a female work pal said asking me to settle how prevalent dudes exaggerate illness doesn't count as helping her argument cause I guess thats why I was asked. It felt good for a woman to point out that when polling men to get a general man opinion I'm a statistical outlier.
I always had more female than male friends. Key to making more is to do so in group contexts like softball leagues or volunteer work
I do but I work in a female dominated industry and a few of the people are exes. So I am a bad example.
