I would go two weeks no contact with the other person. That usually helps end any infatuation for me. But if you’re still yearning for them then have a conversation

You're well aware of this, but because it's such a personal subject I just want to start by pointing out that none of us know you, your partner, your friend, or any of the context for any of your lives

That said, it sounds to me like you're describing infatuation. Like you say, your partner works two jobs and that can make it hard to maintain and build a connection. Meanwhile, someone who you don't know very well but are attracted to can serve as a canvas for your mind to project a fantasy onto, especially when some unmet emotional needs have been unconsciously building

Now, there's no rule that says infatuations can't be built into good relationships, but that process will always involve actually getting to know them as they are instead of as you think of them. And frankly, if you're going to do that much work then I'd recommend also using it as an opportunity to examine how you approach relationships

For me and my spouse, traditional monogamy was toxic, as was a popular all-or-nothing mentality around boundaries in pop-polyamory. We've both been pretty unwavering in wanting to be together and mutually committed, and we could have stayed traditional indefinitely without major problems, but we're both happier having talked about topics including, in no particular order: what we want for our lives individually, what we each want from our relationship, what we'd potentially want to seek from other relationships and how the other would feel about that, and particular fears that would make either of us uncomfortable

For you? :vivian-shrug:

Keep in mind that having a serious crush on someone tends to bias your observations of that person in the direction of feeling a strong connection. On the other hand, the fact that you allowed yourself to fall this deeply into a crush is already an indication that you're not really happy in your current relationship.

I'm also autistic. If you're like a lot of us, you might have never learned how to advocate for your needs. How often do you and your partner argue? Who usually wins? You said that the issue "mostly feels solved" - is that because your partner has made adjustments or because you've gotten tired of addressing the topic?

The reason I ask these question is because I've been in a similar position lately - my partner has been fairly inattentive and I've been suffering from that lack of emotional intimacy. And while I knew there were some deeper personal issues at play, my partner didn't want to address them and I couldn't help but sort of internalize it as something that I was doing wrong.

We had an argument recently for the first time in ages and it really helped. Usually I back down from my feelings to placate the other person but this time I stood my ground. I realized that I owed my partner my true emotions because otherwise I'd just end up feeling resentment, and ultimately, if a relationship isn't strong enough to handle your emotional honesty then maybe it's not the right one for you.

Also, outside crushes are normal but if you're seriously entertaining one (assuming y'all are monogamous) then that might be a sign that you're ready to move on. That's another thing about autism - we're not always great at recognizing and valuing how we feel. Take some time to think through whether you actually want to be with this person and then make your decisions accordingly.

It sounds like you're in love with the idea of the other person, and not the person themselves. How do you know that they "get you" if you barely know them in the first place? Just be careful with stuff like this, and be aware of your feelings and any rose tinted glasses you might be wearing. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

As for your partner, if you want to continue with them, do so and cool things down with the other person. If not, that's more complicated. Just at least give them the basic respect of breaking it off with them and not cheating.

not so much advice on what to do per se but

my partner doesn’t have a very robust support network

you should hope you can remain supportive and friendly with each other, however you might break up. exes make good friends if you don't try to kill each other through the breakup

Its difficult to say, just from this.

It could bet that with your partner working two jobs means you feel disconnected from them. Could be that the two jobs + health problems leaves then with low energy, impacting their ability to pay attention and care about your interests.

And, it sounds like you are having something a little like 'caretaker's fatigue'. Not exactly the same thing, but it sounds like their health problems and work are draining for you to help and manage, both in a literal housework-sense, and maybe more importantly, an emotional support sense.

Those issues above could be dealbreakers to you, or temporary problems that you both overcome together. Hard to work through solutions offhand without details, but an example would be having your partner get a therapist, so you aren't doing as much 'emotional labor' for them (if that's even a problem you're having).

The infatuation with another friend could be related to the above; its something new and exciting, that you haven't had to put the 'work' into yet, so it seems extra inviting; kinda a 'grass-looks-greener' situation. It could also be a genuine connection that would be better than your current relationship. That feeling of having someone who 'gets' you is nice, and I don't want to say its unimportant. But also, a partner can and should, generally, be able to work towards that.

I've been with my wife for about a decade now, and we'll still have times occasionally where we realize each of us look at a problem in completely different directions. I think, in a good relationship, you can work to at least understand each other, even if you don't always agree. If your partner can't or won't do that, and its bothering you, it sounds like you need to either get them to understand that that's a dealbreaker for you (and, maybe, reach an understanding about how their approaching this, and maybe help fix it in some fashion), or else accept that it isn't going to work.

That all is from my opinion; I'm certainly no expert, and notably I'm very much a monogamous person, there may also be poly solutions that could work for you both that aren't so all-or-nothing. I'm also not autistic (though, I'm definitely not neurotypical), so some of the above may be harder or non-applicable to you both.

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