I just feel sad. There's a disconnect between my body and who I am. It might actually be multiple years before I can get on E (though I'm trying not to think about it/be too doomer but I just can't get my hopes up for sooner). How can I keep up pretending. How can I get my shit together when I'm like this. I couldn't get my shit together before this and now its just going to be fucking worse. I suck.
If I don't like how I look on E I will actually kill myself. I will get a method and execute it (heh). I'm not going to live like this and if E doesn't fix it, I'm leaving.
literally me from 3 years back, the family found me before i was too far gone. there isnt really much i can say, except to beg you to start the process if you havent already. getting on hrt is a fucking lifesaver and it's actually disgusting how much they gatekeep access to it. if you have money there's always https://hrt.coffee/ getting even a little bit helps. suicide sucks and i get it, nothing i say here is going to sway you either way, but having tried it it's always a tool that my brain considers now when shit sucks, and it's not exactly fun to be teetering on the edge for the rest of my life.
you'll get past this just like i did, i believe in you
:meow-hug: I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I can't start because I'm not out to my family, who I live with. That's why I need to fix my shit and move. I'm legitimately very unsure if they'd allow it, and even if they did I think it would be extremely uncomfortable. Thank you for the link though.
I've never seriously tried, but yea it's always something my brain loves to jump to as well.
:meow-hug: I hope so. I can't imagine myself on hrt and happy with my body. All I know is I hate it right now and it's not like a "hit the gym more" issue.
You can be pretty secretive about taking hrt, it takes a while to kick in
Far better than bad stuff happening, and unironically if you're legit afraid of being homeless, message me. I'll find you a place. Might not be luxurious but it'd be enough to stay in for a bit.
I just need more time. Also reading some reports makes me nervous, like estradoll already needing to wear a bralet. Even a full year... I don't know if that's enough. Maybe I'm overestimating the amount of money I need to make to move. Hearing about how literally no one can afford to take care of themselves makes me very nervous.
:meow-hug: that is so nice of you. Hopefully I don't put myself in that position.
That's surprising to hear, I thought it would be less then that. Isn't there some risk of damage from binding (or is binding different from compression) often?
I am already kicking myself for not realizing earlier, so I'm sure I will. I love regretting things
If you're wearing baggy clothes you won't need bras or bralettes, you only really need them if you're wearing something tight enough that they'd be visible, and even then you can get away without them for a few months provided you aren't wearing a blouse or other dress shirts (torture).
Thank you, I wasn't really sure when/how wearing that stuff worked and still feel too awkward to ask (and its unnecessary, because of not being able to start E for a while anyway)
Personally, I went swimming topless two months in (taking a normal dose of Spyro and E, although my levels are far from ideal) at my parents and I'm not exactly out to them. Wasn't really anything they could have noticed. My step mom has been trying to get me to come out though, I think and even happened to ask me if I was trying to come out about my gender while I was swimming because of another topic I mentioned
3 months in, I feel like I'd be worried about swimming topless, but it I wouldn't worry about a snug shirt and definitely don't need a bra. I've always been overweight, so some fat there is normal for me. I did take my Spyro and E in the kitchen with them around today.
I know a streamer who lived with her parents for years, wore bras, had sizable boobs, and the parents didn't notice for the longest time. I think her dad found her bras or something by chance? Cis people who aren't accepting are also probably oblivious.
Honestly, at least for me, getting kicked out for starting HRT and having to become properly independent was way less shit than having to repress for 3 years. But I also, admittedly, had a pretty strong support network of friends to rely on for temporary housing and some decent savings. So I probably shouldn't be the one to say anything here considering how particular my circumstances were.
That said you can absolutely hide it for a while, especially if you already wear stuff like hoodies often. Even without them though, it has been 9 months or so for me on HRT and my breasts are still small enough to hide in any shirt that's a size or two over.
I know it can be hard to imagine being happy with your body when you are so used to numbness or outright hating it, but it does happen. Right now there are parts of my body that I used to hate that I don't mind so much anymore, even though they've hardly changed at all. Would I still change them if I could? Definitely, but it's not as big of a discomfort as I used to have regardless. HRT also just changes your mental space and that can be a huge help.
You should, regardless, work towards independence though if only because it means you'll be able to do more than just take HRT. I know a lot of people (including myself sometimes) talk about HRT as though it fixed all their problems on its own. But there's plenty of other people who went on HRT and still feel wildly dysphoric because they aren't presenting or have a masc voice or still have body hair they're unhappy with or whatever else. I'm basically all of these sometimes, even if other times I feel like HRT fixed most things. I still get hit with waves of dysphoria when my seasonal depression kicks in and that sucks. But being able to present, to spend copious amounts of time in a bathroom shaving more thoroughly, to practice my voice without fearing my mother will come in to yell at me, all of those help make it less bad than it used to be. And the happiest I've ever been is when I am presenting and with people who see me as me, even before HRT. Like, my absolute happiest memory is when I first wore a dress and I wouldn't be on E for another several months at the time.
Overall just, try to do the things you can right now and push towards being independent. It can and will get better, I promise. 💜
Its not useless at all, I really appreciate your input.
spoiler
I'm worried about the permanency of doing that. Like sure, maybe my friend would let me stay at her house for a while and I do have some savings, but that's obviously not a long term solution. Maybe I'm over thinking things. The idea that I might lose security is terrifying. I hate capitalism so badly.
Yea I know, I need to voice train. Seasonal depression sucks so bad and I'm definitely not looking forward to my first year of that + dysphoria.
I'm glad it was helpful. I just feel like my advice is always filled with too many personal rambles and tangents that aren't necessary for the core thing I'm trying to say. But I can never bring myself to cut them for some reason.
On that note, more rambles
While it's not as secure as living with your parents, if you could try to get a long-term job first before moving out you'd be decently set provided you can find a place you can afford (hard I know, still working on this last bit myself). Right now isn't the most ideal time to start jobhunting if you're a student though. Regardless, you should take advantage of the security while you prepare for independence. Having a friend willing to take you in is great, but that should be an emergency or very temporary option. It can quickly turn into resentment from your roommate's friends/family. I know that from experience. If you're full on roommates on the same lease it's perfectly fine though.
It's always scary to lose that security though, you're right. The first month or so for me was godawful, I was so stressed the entire time while struggling to get a job since I didn't have time to get one before I got kicked out. But once I got a job a few months in I felt better, and now that I'm working full time for the summer I've even been able to save up quite a lot of money. (I actually just last week hit the amount of savings I had before I was kicked out, I'm so proud of myself for that.)
This isn't really a truly secure position, most of that money will be used to cover tuition and rent and it's only just able to do so, but that is a hell of a lot more secure than my first month away from my parents was. If you could get a job right away you'd basically be already in the 'insecure but comfortably secure' zone instead of completely insecure, if that makes sense. I suppose you wouldn't have the point of reference I do for how good that can be compared to the worst, but I hope you can still see how while it may be insecure you can reach a certain level of comfort in that insecurity.
I know how easy it can be to just stew in the dysphoria and not do anything because it's all hard, and my explaining that you should get a job to work towards independence is probably something that seems far off and too hard in the moment. Getting HRT was like that for me for the longest time. Partly due to circumstances out of my control as I've explained before, but also due to how I would often just... Not go looking for psychs that I could get the rec letter from because I felt like it was hopeless and there wasn't anyone that would work. I felt like that when job hunting a few months ago when I was kicked out. I'm still feeling like that with housing right now. I haven't called to ask to view a place I saw a few days back because I'm just so exhausted and worried about how the roommates might react to me being trans. But I'll have to do it eventually, when I get the energy and will to do it. Or, more likely, when I'm so stressed about it that I am hurting myself by not doing it. I'm not saying you have to do these things right away, just please consider it and try to work towards it at your pace, okay? It's okay for it to take time, it's okay if some days you can't be assed to do the things you need to to reach your goal, it's okay to rely on your current security while you try to ready yourself for independence. But please try to keep the goal in mind and move towards it when you feel you're able, okay? Viewing it as totally hopeless both isn't accurate to the realiy and makes it harder for you to reach that goal than if you believed you could reach it some day. Maybe I'm just too much of an optimist at heart though, despite everything.
Okay that might've been a bit too much of myself in the end there. Sorry I've been very emotional the past few days for unrelated reasons and that means lots of introspection. This is the result of that I guess.
sad posting, dysphoria
I just feel sad. There's a disconnect between my body and who I am. It might actually be multiple years before I can get on E (though I'm trying not to think about it/be too doomer but I just can't get my hopes up for sooner). How can I keep up pretending. How can I get my shit together when I'm like this. I couldn't get my shit together before this and now its just going to be fucking worse. I suck.
This is where I am at
si
If I don't like how I look on E I will actually kill myself. I will get a method and execute it (heh). I'm not going to live like this and if E doesn't fix it, I'm leaving.
im awful at this, but let's try cw: si
literally me from 3 years back, the family found me before i was too far gone. there isnt really much i can say, except to beg you to start the process if you havent already. getting on hrt is a fucking lifesaver and it's actually disgusting how much they gatekeep access to it. if you have money there's always https://hrt.coffee/ getting even a little bit helps. suicide sucks and i get it, nothing i say here is going to sway you either way, but having tried it it's always a tool that my brain considers now when shit sucks, and it's not exactly fun to be teetering on the edge for the rest of my life.
spoiler
:meow-hug: I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I can't start because I'm not out to my family, who I live with. That's why I need to fix my shit and move. I'm legitimately very unsure if they'd allow it, and even if they did I think it would be extremely uncomfortable. Thank you for the link though.
I've never seriously tried, but yea it's always something my brain loves to jump to as well.
:meow-hug: I hope so. I can't imagine myself on hrt and happy with my body. All I know is I hate it right now and it's not like a "hit the gym more" issue.
You can be pretty secretive about taking hrt, it takes a while to kick in
Far better than bad stuff happening, and unironically if you're legit afraid of being homeless, message me. I'll find you a place. Might not be luxurious but it'd be enough to stay in for a bit.
I just need more time. Also reading some reports makes me nervous, like estradoll already needing to wear a bralet. Even a full year... I don't know if that's enough. Maybe I'm overestimating the amount of money I need to make to move. Hearing about how literally no one can afford to take care of themselves makes me very nervous.
:meow-hug: that is so nice of you. Hopefully I don't put myself in that position.
You could reasonably hide it for years with compression. Could also just play it off as weight gain
They make compression garments that look like tank tops, if someone asks, just say you're self conscious
Obviously do what you feel safe doing, just pointing out cissies are clueless and you'll kick yourself for delaying if you knew for sure you wanted it
That's surprising to hear, I thought it would be less then that. Isn't there some risk of damage from binding (or is binding different from compression) often?
I am already kicking myself for not realizing earlier, so I'm sure I will. I love regretting things
There is but only for longer than 8 hours.
If you're wearing baggy clothes you won't need bras or bralettes, you only really need them if you're wearing something tight enough that they'd be visible, and even then you can get away without them for a few months provided you aren't wearing a blouse or other dress shirts (torture).
Thank you, I wasn't really sure when/how wearing that stuff worked and still feel too awkward to ask (and its unnecessary, because of not being able to start E for a while anyway)
deleted by creator
Personally, I went swimming topless two months in (taking a normal dose of Spyro and E, although my levels are far from ideal) at my parents and I'm not exactly out to them. Wasn't really anything they could have noticed. My step mom has been trying to get me to come out though, I think and even happened to ask me if I was trying to come out about my gender while I was swimming because of another topic I mentioned
3 months in, I feel like I'd be worried about swimming topless, but it I wouldn't worry about a snug shirt and definitely don't need a bra. I've always been overweight, so some fat there is normal for me. I did take my Spyro and E in the kitchen with them around today.
I know a streamer who lived with her parents for years, wore bras, had sizable boobs, and the parents didn't notice for the longest time. I think her dad found her bras or something by chance? Cis people who aren't accepting are also probably oblivious.
My mostly useless take
Honestly, at least for me, getting kicked out for starting HRT and having to become properly independent was way less shit than having to repress for 3 years. But I also, admittedly, had a pretty strong support network of friends to rely on for temporary housing and some decent savings. So I probably shouldn't be the one to say anything here considering how particular my circumstances were.
That said you can absolutely hide it for a while, especially if you already wear stuff like hoodies often. Even without them though, it has been 9 months or so for me on HRT and my breasts are still small enough to hide in any shirt that's a size or two over.
I know it can be hard to imagine being happy with your body when you are so used to numbness or outright hating it, but it does happen. Right now there are parts of my body that I used to hate that I don't mind so much anymore, even though they've hardly changed at all. Would I still change them if I could? Definitely, but it's not as big of a discomfort as I used to have regardless. HRT also just changes your mental space and that can be a huge help.
You should, regardless, work towards independence though if only because it means you'll be able to do more than just take HRT. I know a lot of people (including myself sometimes) talk about HRT as though it fixed all their problems on its own. But there's plenty of other people who went on HRT and still feel wildly dysphoric because they aren't presenting or have a masc voice or still have body hair they're unhappy with or whatever else. I'm basically all of these sometimes, even if other times I feel like HRT fixed most things. I still get hit with waves of dysphoria when my seasonal depression kicks in and that sucks. But being able to present, to spend copious amounts of time in a bathroom shaving more thoroughly, to practice my voice without fearing my mother will come in to yell at me, all of those help make it less bad than it used to be. And the happiest I've ever been is when I am presenting and with people who see me as me, even before HRT. Like, my absolute happiest memory is when I first wore a dress and I wouldn't be on E for another several months at the time.
Overall just, try to do the things you can right now and push towards being independent. It can and will get better, I promise. 💜
Its not useless at all, I really appreciate your input.
spoiler
I'm worried about the permanency of doing that. Like sure, maybe my friend would let me stay at her house for a while and I do have some savings, but that's obviously not a long term solution. Maybe I'm over thinking things. The idea that I might lose security is terrifying. I hate capitalism so badly.
Yea I know, I need to voice train. Seasonal depression sucks so bad and I'm definitely not looking forward to my first year of that + dysphoria.
I am going to. I hope things do get better.
I'm glad it was helpful. I just feel like my advice is always filled with too many personal rambles and tangents that aren't necessary for the core thing I'm trying to say. But I can never bring myself to cut them for some reason.
On that note, more rambles
While it's not as secure as living with your parents, if you could try to get a long-term job first before moving out you'd be decently set provided you can find a place you can afford (hard I know, still working on this last bit myself). Right now isn't the most ideal time to start jobhunting if you're a student though. Regardless, you should take advantage of the security while you prepare for independence. Having a friend willing to take you in is great, but that should be an emergency or very temporary option. It can quickly turn into resentment from your roommate's friends/family. I know that from experience. If you're full on roommates on the same lease it's perfectly fine though.
It's always scary to lose that security though, you're right. The first month or so for me was godawful, I was so stressed the entire time while struggling to get a job since I didn't have time to get one before I got kicked out. But once I got a job a few months in I felt better, and now that I'm working full time for the summer I've even been able to save up quite a lot of money. (I actually just last week hit the amount of savings I had before I was kicked out, I'm so proud of myself for that.)
This isn't really a truly secure position, most of that money will be used to cover tuition and rent and it's only just able to do so, but that is a hell of a lot more secure than my first month away from my parents was. If you could get a job right away you'd basically be already in the 'insecure but comfortably secure' zone instead of completely insecure, if that makes sense. I suppose you wouldn't have the point of reference I do for how good that can be compared to the worst, but I hope you can still see how while it may be insecure you can reach a certain level of comfort in that insecurity.
I know how easy it can be to just stew in the dysphoria and not do anything because it's all hard, and my explaining that you should get a job to work towards independence is probably something that seems far off and too hard in the moment. Getting HRT was like that for me for the longest time. Partly due to circumstances out of my control as I've explained before, but also due to how I would often just... Not go looking for psychs that I could get the rec letter from because I felt like it was hopeless and there wasn't anyone that would work. I felt like that when job hunting a few months ago when I was kicked out. I'm still feeling like that with housing right now. I haven't called to ask to view a place I saw a few days back because I'm just so exhausted and worried about how the roommates might react to me being trans. But I'll have to do it eventually, when I get the energy and will to do it. Or, more likely, when I'm so stressed about it that I am hurting myself by not doing it. I'm not saying you have to do these things right away, just please consider it and try to work towards it at your pace, okay? It's okay for it to take time, it's okay if some days you can't be assed to do the things you need to to reach your goal, it's okay to rely on your current security while you try to ready yourself for independence. But please try to keep the goal in mind and move towards it when you feel you're able, okay? Viewing it as totally hopeless both isn't accurate to the realiy and makes it harder for you to reach that goal than if you believed you could reach it some day. Maybe I'm just too much of an optimist at heart though, despite everything.
Okay that might've been a bit too much of myself in the end there. Sorry I've been very emotional the past few days for unrelated reasons and that means lots of introspection. This is the result of that I guess.
I will try to work towards it. Thank you again. I don't have a lot to say but I really appreciate it.
Don't cut them out, I love hearing you talk about your life and experiences. I feel understood.