Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
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Definitely something I wondered when I finally learned the word to put to my experience. Weird how having a name to describe something brings attention to something you've been experiencing for long enough that its hard to know how long you've been experiencing it.
I’ve known I was dissociating for a while but it’s weird to forget about the concept and be like “oh, that’s what explains all those symptoms again.” Same with OCD. Speaking of which, I think part of the (presumably) recent exacerbation was the OCD finally figuring out to repress some stuff. My life’s not even that traumatic. Why brain?
dissociation
I dissociate all the time, I have days where I find things in the cupboard and don't remember putting things in the wrong place and have no memory of placing things in places, or forget where I set things down. I've said about doing something and I had just did it, or memory hole hours, depends some days it's minor other days it can be upsetting. I have years I lost and can't tell what year memories come from unless it's something external to remember that year. I have huge holes going all the way back to being a kid, I have done it all my life, one of my earliest memories is being asked if I'm daydreaming again.
trauma/dissociating posting, just spoilering cause these things can be triggering for folks
I have met many trans folks who have shared similar experiences, have you? The off color joke I tell is “the t in trans stands for trauma,” and “t4t stands for trauma for trauma.” Same towards dissociating many years of my life. I recall very little of my life from the age of 8-18 due in large part to how unpleasant those years were growing up. Even today, my memory is not the best, and I often find it pleasant with good friends in my community that they help me remember things I might otherwise not.
A few months ago, I had a horrifying experience where I completely forgot where I had put my wallet in a public space, and luckily recovered it, but that required me going into a space I do not remember going into where I had left it to retrieve it. Luckily, this hasn’t happened again.
Really avoid any dissociatives/substances for that reason, and find those substances strange for the reason that I do not understand how folks would find them pleasant.
trauma dissociation
I haven't met many people like I have had very heavy dissociation for 30 years and no friends or family to talk about it. I can't remember some years or when family members passed away, like when that happened just know it happened. Today was a realisation that I'm still doing it to some degree that it is still a thing.. not quite missing years but can lose myself for periods and I operate on auto pilot almost every day in some fashion.
I tend to avoid drugs and don't drink alcohol so this is still trauma I'm carrying I think.
I'm sorry that happened, I know I've probably been out and about and not been aware of it happening but it is scary when you have put things in places and can't remember, I have been doing that a lot recently.
trauma/dissociation/transphobia
Mine is often a response to just how unpleasant facets of life are, and I think just how I adapted to it as a young one was that if I could not physically escape something, I block it out retroactively.
Like when I lost that item, I was having a lot of transmisogynistic experiences in a row over the last few days and had to get something for a friend’s gathering, so I just largely blocked out the experience, and nearly lost an item in the process.
It’s really unpleasant, but it makes sense why I would do that. As an autistic person, it often feels like my ‘body mind’ and my ‘conscious mind’ work on mostly parallel tracks, where sometimes they do not align, if that makes sense?
trauma/dissociation
I think mine was to escape my reality but now it is automatic it is so engrained. I have noticed some flare up recently but I am unaware of a trigger and I know I also have issues with my monotropism being so strong theres a bit of overlap. I have been having small auto pilot moments recently and put that down to forgetfulness forgetting about dissociation completely but I was thinking through all the recent things hence my earlier post and I feel shaken with that realisation.
makes perfect sense to me c:
spoiler
The monotropism connection is so insightful and fucks hard. ^^ hope things get better soon. It tends to come and go in waves for me. Folks also help me remember things, but I worry about it a lot. :/
spoiler
Yeah I was mixing it up with that, I thought I was done with the big long periods of it, bit of a shock realising that I'm still doing it. I worry about it a lot too :/
What a life to look forward to. I looked up what do to about dissociation and it seems like I’m doing everything right. Do I seek medication? I want to be in touch with the real world, but also it is a painful place.
dissociation
I don't dissociate by choice it just happens for me and no triggers that I'm aware of. I don't take medication and ssris made it worse as far as I know.
Of course it’s not a choice and of course you don’t remember any triggers. I don’t trust medications anyway, I might try things?