Here's to a new year! Here's my first mega try (also first time posting in a while due to reasons) but heya! Admittedly struggled a fair bit with self doubt and anxiety on this one as put it off for a while/other things caught up with me but I figure I'll be glad I did it once I've done it. It's kinda being done last minute though, so admittedly there's that...
I'd been intending to make the mega about something else originally when I signed up, but that would require more time on my part (and I just binge read this recently, so it all works out). Anyways, my subject of the week is The Summer Hikaru Died; it's a queer (BL) horror manga which is currently also scheduled for anime release next year (2025).
Content warnings naturally follow and further details will be spoilered.
CONTENT WARNINGS
Grief, body horror and (very debatably IMO) mild gore, supernatural horror (ghosts/"impurities", otherworldly entities), death I suppose though that one's a given
Premise
The titular Hikaru went for a walk in the woods, died, and something came back wearing his body, something that doesn't quite know how to be human or mortal; "Hikaru" returned, to ensure that his best friend, Yoshiki, would not be lonely. Romantic tension (and tension of a less pleasant kind) ensues.
The plot/things I like about it thus far (light spoilers)
Yoshiki and "Hikaru" have an absolutely great dynamic- their relationship may not be fully healthy, but their intentions seem to both be in the right place, as are their deep feelings (Yoshiki's for Hikaru and increasingly for "Hikaru," and Hikaru and "Hikaru's" own true feelings) and honesty in this regard, despite the latter "Hikaru" being effectively an imposter of sorts. (it's complicated, but these are increasingly distinguished separately and I really like that process as well)
"Hikaru" is, while not quite a blank slate, extremely new to the concept of even just "being" in the sense that mortal creatures and individual organisms(?) do. They've had to learn (and Yoshiki has had to confront them about) the value and significance of life and death; they've increasingly established boundaries, and they approach the world with a liveliness and curiousity that is really cute (the original Hikaru was also lively FWIW, but "Hikaru" is experiencing everything anew even if they retain the memories).
Yoshiki, on the other hand, is both grappling with his grief and loss of Hikaru, while finding comfort (and discomfort alike) in his imposter, and in guiding them through a new world or state of being. He's finding his resolve and moral/ethical backbone interacting with "Hikaru" (very blue-and-orange morality dynamics, though they're learning), he's experiencing what could be described as a rocky but determined romance and queer experimentation at the same time "Hikaru" is being introduced to notions of attraction and desire (beyond instinctual desire to consume).
Their pairing in so many ways should not work (or rather would be usually destined for a tragic end). From the start, there have been several points where by all means it should have met such an end. But their determination and willingness to meet the other where they're at and gradually be understanding with the other is both fascinating and something I'd feel optimistic for (and interested in seeing play out further).
Anyways, I should cut myself short at this (and make sure to have something properly written beforehand for next time). But anyways, thus far it's a strong recommend (if you feel alright with the content warnings) from me.
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
spoiler
Idk. Maybe I place too much importance on being known. If someone I knew was in like, distress over their identity for years, I'd want to know and try and help. But everyone is different.
I have an inclination not to talk about my interests. Nobody in my last social circle was interested in SimCity 4, retail brands that went out of business in the 90s, Paul McCartney, abandoned places, primary colors, those memes where Big Chingus is reskinned as a pokemon. These things don't naturally come up and I find it hard to just take control of a social setting to subject everyone to my esoteric interests.
I literally don't know how to explore my types. Like, I'm still worried that noticing women is creepy, and that makes me feel very male. I don't see a ton of guys that I'm attracted to. I've never approached a guy with any sort of attraction in mind. It's like I was cursed to fall in love once, and it was with a woman when I was a 20 year old boy, and now I am doomed to know that that was the closest I got to love.
I've legit been unable to get myself to sit through TV shows and movies though. I watched Mad Men during COVID, really related to the scene where Don Draper stares down the empty elevator shaft. Is that what a non-narrative life is like?
I like things and I know I like things, but I don't know how to go from pleasantries to actually being myself. It literally feels like I'm supposed to be gaming the process or something, and it feels disingenuous. I can be a very polite person, but that's not a conversation with me or about my interests. I'm frankly just grateful when people notice me, because I'm wallflower and a massive introvert.
But like I'm legit gonna be on a date and want to know his favorite color and if he's mad at me, so.
It's like, if I had one person that were just looking me in the eyes, being a physical person with corporeal form who sees me and witnesses me and accepts me, that I don't have to wonder every day of they still feel the same, then all of this would be so much easier.
I'm gonna be real, there's too much uncertainty in not replying to people. If every conversation is fleeting, why trust anything to last? Am I truly supposed to live so moment-to-monent that nothing has any association or relation? Is everything truly so divorced from the concept of meaning that devoting a millisecond more thought than the object even spends on my line of sight is catastrophic and anxiety-inducing? Because I'm starting to believe that conversations aren't real and also nobody cares about anything.
I just saw your more recent comments, if this is annoying or unhelpful or you don't feel like it, don't worry about replying.
spoiler
I.... agree!
I'm always fuckin jonesing to talk about matters of identity anyways 'cuz I'm weird. In fact, I know some nerds who might be having Gender Trouble™ (or at least cool and funny genders) but do not bring it up much. I'm kind of hesitant to just yap though, because you can lead an egg to gender but you can't crack its shell. Yaknow.
They make youtube bideos about all of this stuff, (Simcity 4 is maybe an obscure pick, rad btw) I would expect zoomers to talk about this stuff
But also, I am continuing to realise that as much as the thing I do (screaming at high volumes about my weird fixations and special interests) is really annoying, it is also kind of a skill, and most people do not. I can sort of relate, I'm more quiet in real life, although talking to me is asking for a Nevada infodump unprompted :3 Infodumping can have social consequences irl though which sucks.
I mean, you can do it by dating, but you also don't have to have ironclad ideas about what you want in every relationship, Idk. You gotta have room to grow. Also if you aren't like staring at women in public, it's probably fine? Idk. Is it "male" when cisgender lesbians notice women? 'Cause they do, I'm pretty sure.
Nice
No, it's just accepting that your life doesn't progress according to any arbitrary plan or set of milestones, and any attempt to hold yourself to any is bad. You can make your own plans and milestones if ya want, but culturally held ideas of when someone is meant to have done X or Y... I still don't have a license, am woefully socially inept, and never went to college or uni so Idk, my life fits no plan, y'know?
Could this be a masking thing, by chance?
'cause I know how it is. It feels like a shell you pull on over your actual self because people would get weird if you recited to them the entire history of a contract Famicom developer that only existed between 1985 and 1989. It's lame, and I just started getting weirder at people about it. Saying more stuff, with mixed results. Still recommend it though.
To be honest, I feel like my understanding of socializing in general is breaking down.
Everything that I have said and done and thought and posted was to convey the urgency of the thoughts in my head around gender, sexuality, friendship, trust, depression. I can't think of a point in time in which I have not needed help.
I thought being nice and patient and helpful was what I was supposed to do. I thought that nobody cared about my feelings, because nobody was actively saying "I care about your feelings"
I'll probably be a 30 year old dude, which is what it is. I will not be a 40 year old man.
I don't understand how socialising works either. If you're asking me for help with regard to any of these things, you should tell me, even though I'm stupid.
You do have to tell people things sometimes, broadly speaking. Subtext is subjective, and all. By the same turn people in your life should be making you feel that they care abou you, which it sounds like your family does not.
I'm incapable of asking for help, but nice try
I don't understand how everyone has these frameworks for themselves that just solve their understanding of the world. I've been alone with my trauma for what is entering the sixth year.
I'm told life isn't a grand narrative, I'm told life isn't a series of unrelated vignettes with no meaning.. Hexbear seems to have solved it all.
Alright well fair enough, Idk if I'd be good for anything anyway tbh. I'm fucking weird.
I mean, does everyone have these frameworks for themselves that just solve their understanding of the world? I don't really, although I've also been basically meditating on my whole identity for like twelve years now. I think you're overestimating people's comprehension here, you're definitely overestimating mine. I ask in sincerity: why does hexbear seem to have solved it all, to you? Me, I see a lot of people who don't get stuff, often in similar ways to how I do.
Aa far as solving shit, I've got the most mileage from yelling into the void in this here megathread, because it does have smart people who know stuff!
I mean,
I definitely have a distorted view surrounding people who aren't scared to start conversations. Everyone with friends and casual relationships has figured something out that I don't know, and that confuses my pea-sized brain.
People don't seem to freak out about the meaning of life. People don't seem to wonder if their best friends like them. I find that my existentialism is frowned upon, so it's like, how exactly should I handle this
sorry for jumping in
I don't think its that (for many of them at least), they figured something out, I think a lot of people just never struggled with it to begin with. At least not the way I (or it sounds like you) do.
I definitely do. I don't message people a lot because I think they don't want to hear what I have to say. Often I think people only talk with me out of a sense of obligation or because they don't have anything else to do. I internalize anything as proof they don't like me and I'm just annoying them. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but other people definitely do wonder if they are liked. I don't talk about it much, a lot of that is because I worry about pushing people further away but it is a very real and frequent experience for me.
Nah though, I literally just talk to (and at) people. I have a high rate of foot-in-mouth incidents but bar trying to be nice, I do not have any underlying thoughts, theory, or understanding. Also I don't think I have friends really =)
Users on here probably have some cool thoughts about the meaning of life, and I know for ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN people here do wonder if their friends like them, actually.
I'll be blunt, I think people react with slight befuddlement to your posts because you vaguepost about having issues or thoughts without ever actually talking about them. You dob't have to dump all of your trauma right now but this place is for talking about shit like that, to an extent. Your fear of conversation is fucking you up way worse than anything that could happen as a result of speaking your mind or talking to someone.
Speak
deleted by creator