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Just left the gender clinic. Going off hormone blockers. We’ll see what happens. I don’t have much dysphoria, so I figured maybe a waste of effort to medically transition? Who knows. I’m feeling nihilistic.
Go with the flow. Not everyone has the same gender journey. You can change course whenever you need.
I hope the nihilism doesn't last and that you can find your balance 🌹
I know. Idk, it feels true now, but tomorrow I might think I know everything again. Maybe this is an existential crisis. I don’t feel terrible, just lost.
dysphoria/euphoria
Maybe reframing the question could help?
Instead of I don't have much dysphoria, so it feels like a waste. Maybe ask, does this bring me joy?
Dysphoria can be hard to spot. Doubts can cloud our vision. As can feelings of inertia, anxiety, depression.
Joy is more easily recognized and generally a better compass in my experience.
Clothes and pronouns and stuff do bring me joy. I’ve also been a lot happier sometimes on hormone blockers (but sometimes more miserable than ever). I suppose it’s nice to cry sometimes. Before, I only cried very rarely when I was very miserable and disappointed. Now, little things can trigger it. Beyond that I can’t tell the causation/correlation of my general happiness given I’ve also been doing self improvement stuff and other conditions have changed.
It sounds like you have a lot of mixed feelings concerning the hormone blockers. I think going off of them and seeing how you feel is wise.
Why are you feeling nihilistic though? Was there attachment to medical transition?
E: I know I have some. Boobs sound nice. And I'm a little afraid of the emotional changes. I expect it's going to be like a second puberty.
existential anxiety
Every conscious expectation I have for the future seems to be misaligned with reality for better or worse. It seems like all there is to life is pain and copes. I like “consuming” a lot of information, but I recently realized that’s just running from worrying, and I guess it works, except I continue to worry about not going fast enough. It either feels like there’s not enough time to experience the world, or it’s pointless to anyway because everything is fleeting and we’ll die one day. Honestly, I haven’t given much thought to death, though. It feels far off and inconsequential. I may be ok with it one day. Like I said earlier, I either feel like I know everything or nothing, and I guess I’ve reached a skeptical tranquility finding that I have no way of telling which mindset is “truer.” Maybe T returning will help. Maybe I should just become a monk/hj (I meditate everyday, but it feels like it just lowers my cortisol, and I’m stuck and zone out because the thoughts never stop).
Maybe. I imagine that if I will eventually be on E, it’s best to go ASAP so the effects come sooner.
spoiler
:yea: I definitely can relate. Hope you figure it out :meow-hug:
I mean it’s literally in the four noble truths. Never done drugs, but I still find myself doing various compulsive things, like being on this site…
dysphoria/joy
I meditate too. Trying to stop thoughts is a subtle form of aggression. What works better is to let go of the sense of attachment to them as me or mine and then just watch what they do. Jack Kornfield says thoughts think themselves and that's true in my experience. When I let go of them they're like bubbles that come up in all sorts of people's voices. And when I listen with kindness and compassion they eventually settle down.
Eternalism and nihilism are both traps. Two poles. The middle way is to go with the flow.
I went out and watched a sunrise this morning. I can't hold on to that sunrise. But it brought me joy. And because it brought me joy, that brought a little more joy into the world.
There's suffering too. Dysphoria and joy. Suffering and euphoria. These are all synonyms. And life is full of both.
No mud, no lotus.
And, I'm a rabid information junkie too. It's a way I cope with anxiety. Trying to find a solution to my suffering with my head. But it is restlessness. And in those moments of suffering it's helpful for me to remember that the birds are still singing. My belly is still breathing.
I find the anapannasati meditations quite helpful. Depending on if you want something more structured or less I could link you a few guided meditations. I primarily practice plum village zen and under bhikkhu analayo (theravada reformist and early Buddhist scholar).
Buddhism
I didn’t mean to suggest I’m forcing it. I know my mind is not me and it’s just coming up with nonsense, but it’s seductive and the metacognition comes in by default too. Also, music never stops playing in my head unless music is playing in real life or I’m hyperfocusing. I find much of my meditation time is spend accidentally believing my thoughts, and I’m glad my mind’s more settled, but I don’t have the patience to go for concentration, unless I’m insanely happy for no apparent reason.
Obviously eternalism is stupid. Possibly related: I finally stopped wasting time on counter factuals. It’s hard to live in the moment with under stimulation or hyperfixation, or maybe the latter is the moment and not just a cope? I try to be mindful when I’m doing enjoyable things, but that can “ruin” them due to the fleeting and fragmented nature of experience. Hedonism is a failure.
Of course, and I’m not sure if I want a more gray consistency like the mental health people think one should, or irrational but sometimes enjoyable ebbs and flows. I just don’t like not knowing what to believe. Positive and negative feelings are a unity of opposites and there are positive and negative sides to the contradiction being stronger or weaker. Dialectics is and is not nihilistic. It is natural for nihilism and over-reading meaning to be paired within me.
Ok <3 I’ve read and listened to various Buddhist things, recently starting mctb.
more Buddhism
And I apologize if I made too many assumptions in my post about where you are at with your practice and dialectics.
I get caught in nihilism too, so I guess I just wanted to poke a little bit at that word and see what was fueling it. I'm sorry that you're feeling that way and apologize if I was being a bit aggressive.
This is a more formal practice. Designed to be deepened over seven weeks. The idea is to do each meditation for a week. It's based on the Buddha's annapanasati sutra (which translates as full awareness of breathing).
https://www.buddhistinquiry.org/resources/breathing-audio/
And this is a less formal meditation, that's more accessible. But it uses the same technique of being mindful of the breathing and is based on the same sutra as above.
https://youtu.be/Qp14LJkYABM?si=U9W2ZStsPtozTfla
The plum village app is free (actually not full of ads and micros) and has an audio version of the above. Dharma talks. And tons of guided meditations. Under extras there's a rainbow family section, that's queer Dharma teachers.
You didn’t seem too aggressive, you just didn’t know where I’m at, and I wouldn’t expect you to. I’m used to explaining (and maybe over explaining) myself.
I’ll check them out, ty <3
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Well, do you want the changes? HRT is also for pursuing a body you want, not just changing a body you hate.
I like both, agh.
Yeah? I’ll do some more research, but basically I’d like fat redistribution and to keep my muscles, and I feel fine, but what if changes in skin and smell make me feel better, and I don’t know if I like not having emotions, but now they’re too much, and…
I’m indecisive. Love analysis paralysis. Thankfully I don’t let it stress me out too much, but I still don’t know what to do.
Also like to note that I’m scared of growing up either way, because older people are gross and I’m not.
Just double checking cause some people aren't aware of it. Good luck with your journey.
Ty
Just never going through any sort of puberty seems like it would be best. Stupid bones not knowing how to deal with that...
I used to feel like that, idk. A little of both seem nice. Both have clear downsides.
Oooh, I see, you're like me haha.
I know it can be really tough. I was just posting about it today in the mega.
We'll find a plan that works for us
You probably don't even know what you want at the moment. I think that can take some time. You can DM me if you ever wanna chat about it
Thanks, but I’m not the same? No offense taken, I just never want to be a man or have a lot of masculine stuff, but I don’t want to be too feminine either, but sometimes I find myself forcing myself to be? Idk, I’m well enough, I just can’t make decisions.
Oh sorry, I guess I misinterpreted what you meant when you said you "like both"
Well, regardless of gender. I definitely feel this in my bones.
Yeah <3. “Both” as in stuck in the middle [but leaning a little fem]. While I can vary my outfits and my hair can be androgynous, hormones seem like such a binary decision.
Well, you're in good company, I think
I'm with you on hormones, but the people here are wild and can give you really specific advice once you have goals in mind.
For instance, I was thinking about HRT but didn't want to grow breasts, and that's apparently possible!
Anyway, I don't wanna lecture you on stuff you already know. You've got it under control!
I know a lot of sciency stuff, but zone out when I try to read those things, lol.
Yeah..
Forgot to mention: DMing is liberalism, I will post for the benefit of our glorious mega.