SALUTE
I have barely watched Breaking Bad
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
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Let's have another good week everyone 
Wish I had more positive stuff to share :(
declining mental health, self-harm, suicidal feelings, medical gatekeeping
I'm less isolated and lonely now that I'm back at my parents place, but overall my mental health is still getting worse. The cutting has increased, and I'm becoming suicidal. I've been hesitant to talk to a mental health professional about this, since I fear it will lead to gender affirming care being gatekept from me, but now I see that I'm going to be gatekept regardless, so fuck it.
I honestly don't know how it will help though, the root causes are not something that can just be fixed with therapy. Maybe they'll give me antidepressants and that will somehow magically give me the ability to get my shit together, idk...
mh
It's okay if you're not feeling your best right now. People who actually care will want you to know your sorrow is just as important as your joy. We're not expecting to be entertained here and you're not our entertainer.
Is it your family that's increasing the stress or something else?
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It's a lot of things. I have no friends or any sort of support network. 3 years of studying has just left me with student debt and an education in something that I have no real interest or passion for, and I haven't been able to even get a job interview so far. When it comes to family my brother is a far-right transphobe while my parents are just clueless liberals trying to be supportive of me while also saying that I need to respect my brothers wordview. The only good thing is that I got on HRT last year, but that also means that I have to constantly put in effort to hide my breast growth because I'm not ready to come out yet. Just feels like I've failed at life, tbh
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Reading through your story, I've seen it dozens of times before. That's not to say that you're not a unique or special person, but you're not alone. All the things you're feeling we all do at one point or another. I have too.
I'm all stoic and shit now but that comes with hindsight. Early in my transition I was a total mess.
It's possible to come out of it if you have a plan and a support network. The plan won't come to you immediately, and neither will the support. They take time to build. But you CAN build them.
You haven't failed at life. For transpeople this nadir is society testing your resolve, trying to claw you back to cis-normativity. Most people who detrans do so because of this pressure. But once you pass through it, you'll find your way of existing that works.
You can fight the cis by being your best self and finding a way of living that best suits you. I can't tell you what that is, because I'm not you, but I know you can do it. You're not alone.
Not everything has to be positive. This is a space to talk if you feel comfortable to, you aren't alone and there are lot's of different experiences in this space to draw from. Even if it's to vemt or voice things.