her,,, expolde
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transition anxieties, not consequential
Why is it that now that I've actually started the process of getting HRT, I'm suddenly getting doubts again
I experience physical dysphoria and I've wanted this badly for over a year. I think feeling this kind of anxiety is normal, but still. brain, why?
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I had the same kind of anxieties. I had my vial of estrogen for about a month before I finally did my first shot. It was really difficult and I struggled to get through those anxieties. I dont really have any advice, at the end I kinda just said to myself "fuck it, if I have regrets Ill get a mastectomy", but I do want to reassure that youre not the only one who has this anxiety
my own experience and thoughts, not neccessarily relevant but perhaps useful? cw dysphoria, drinking, SI
Imo because its huge, at least, it was for me. I agonized and ruminated for so long before beginning medical transition. I was so scared because it meant throwing away so much that, while it was holding me down in a horrible dysphoric way, was also comfortable. I was able to function as a man, granted a man who drank most days and didnt want to live and was probably going to die soon, but for a long time it was easier to do that than exist publicly (instead of just privately as I had up until that point) as an inherrently subversive being; it was easier than facing the societal punishment for discarding manhood; it was easier than confronting my own fears that transition wouldn't address all my dysphoria (still super insecure about my tiny breasts, and occasionally dysphoric about them tbh); it was easier because it meant not doing the work, because the work is hard and it doesnt pull its punches.
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I think its super-common that people start to have doubts around the time of big milestones, events, etc. For me, it was between my appointment and when I actually got my prescriptions (which was unfortunately delayed). Was super-excited during the first couple days of waiting. Glad I got pills to start with because I don't think I could have done an injection with how squimish I am with needles given how apathetic I felt about the whole thing. With pills, at least I could go through the routine of "Walrus from 1 week ago thought this body should consume HRT, therefore, I'll trust that Walrus's judgement even if I can't fathom it's reasoning currently".
I really wish I had been able to start with pills for exactly this reason, and also because injections felt so much more serious than pills. A pill I can just pop, no thought to it, but an injection that for me where I was located was technically I think illegal, that had such a serious feeling to it, like I couldnt go back after that.
Do they expect diabetics to go to a doctor's for every shot, even in emergencies? Is this just to make needles illegal in a fight against drug use or something?
Oh no no just that I wasnt perscribed estrogen so buying it and importing it was i believe illegal. If id had a perscription i think my purchases would have been legal, but i would need to go back and read the law again to be sure (and tbh im not doing that).
I could get insulin needles+syringes no problem, it was the estrogen that was illegal (for me (i think))
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I freaked out recently about getting my 3rd laser hair removal appointment
When I started growing boobs I still wasn't "sure" I was trans lol, but I did think "well even if I detransition at least I have boobs now"