her,,, expolde
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I am starting a diary on gender feels.
I have had the same beard for 10 years. I've trimmed it of course, but it's been a long time since I ever shaved it off. I was going to put it off to the weekend, but I decided to go for it and just get rid of it.
I thought I might feel euphoria from shaving it, and I was worried that I'd feel nothing at all. However, it turned out to be a third thing that I was not expecting.
CW Dysphoria (pretty sure)
spoiler
I felt happy as I started shaving, but then when I was finished I was looking at my face and I don't even recognize myself. It's been so long I had no clue what I looked like without facial hair. I don't like my lips, they are so thin. I don't think my bare face is particularly masculine, at least not stereotypically masculine, but it's not particularly feminine either, nor androgyne. I don't even know what it looks like, but I really don't like it as is. I've been growing my hair out longer (which was part of the process of figuring things out), and my current haircut doesn't fit with my face. With the beard, it was presentable as a male face, more aesthetic at least. Without the beard, I don't like it very much at all, and I feel nervous about going to work where my co-workers have never seen me without it. I don't know what this means.
I nuzzled my cat. I liked the feeling of her fur on my face, unimpeded by facial hair. My face still hurts though from the cheap razor (and not properly washing my face first because I didn't want to drag my feet.)
I don't think I want my beard back, but I do want a face that I can like. I feel very sad right now.
On a more positive note (still dysphoria mention), I recorded myself with some different voice pitches earlier today. I definitely like the higher ones. I've never really liked my voice. Trying to sound deeper/more masculine was always hokey and fake, and I hate my default voice.
Ah, yes. Beard dysphoria, my old friend.
You know, I had a beard for like 20 years. I only started shaving a few years ago.
Gender stuff aside, it's honestly just really strange at first. You really don't recognize the person in the mirror. But you'll get used to it. Try not to project too much negativity onto this face reveal. It's likely you just haven't adjusted!
Thanks. Having slept, I can look into the mirror and see how the contours of my face still match. It doesn't seem completely alien, but it definitely doesn't match my self conception. I took a look at some old photos of my self that I have, and I don't think they really match either. Honestly, the issue is that I don't have a real strong self-conception of what exactly I want to look like.
A beard can help cover up certain aspects of the face, and I actually unknowingly got dysphoria when I tried a few years back (my head was also shaved for reference). It didn't help that everyone said I looked better with the beard, and so I grew it out again. I eventually started growing my hair out, and I shaved it again. This had a much better result, and at the time this was an improvement, though I still didn't like my face. After starting HRT, the face starts to change pretty soon, and after shaving now it's a night and day difference. I go from looking masculine to looking androgynous (kind of), and I'm only 3 months into HRT. I'm really happy with where I am, and I am excited to see how I will continue to improve. I get euphoria every time I shave.
These are my feelings though, and everyone feels different. You may not feel the same, and U have heard of people (including myself at a point) having less dysphoria with a beard. If HRT is something you are looking into, it really helps change a masculine face.
voice dysphoria
Also voice dysphoria is frustrating. It feels so difficult to change something I have used a certain way for so long. Strangely enough for me, though, it's hardest to change around my family. I already masked so much in public that speaking differently is just another piece of the mask (that doesn't mean it sounds good though). I hate it every time my voice comes out deep, and I wonder if my family had noticed that I try to correct it every time it happens.
Edit: Forgot to mention a journal/diary is great, it really helps with not only venting but keeping track of feelings.
Isn't that way this website is? An interactive journal/diary? /halfjoking
dysphoria
I wish I had had the wherewithal and capacity to recognize this when I shaved my beard off the first time. I had several rounds of shaving and growing my beard back out before I realized that the reason I had the beard wasnt because I liked it, but because I hated how my face looked and it covered up some parts I didnt (and in some ways still dont) like. I grew the beard in the first place because I didnt care how I looked; I hated my face regardless, and it was easier to have a beard than shave regularly, so teenage me decided to just go with a beard.
After a year and a half on HRT, I'm happier with my face. There are still aspects of it that I dont like, but overall it is far, far more comfortable for me than before. The changes came quickly too; I was happier with my face after about 6 months on HRT.
dysphoria
I'm thinking about what I want to do. I don't think my beard ever looked great. It was pretty thin in parts, and I could never get it even at the base or with the goatee/mustache. It just became the default, and honestly I haven't even thought about shaving it or what I'd look like without it until recently. I definitely want to keep it shaved for a while, and I definitely don't like the 5 'o clock shadow.
dysphoria
Whenever I give myself haircuts I always feel dysphoric afterwards, because I feel like suddenly I can see all the femininity in my face. This was especially bad last year when I cut off a bunch of hair that I had let grow long. Having long hair, despite the dysphoria it gave me, was almost a blanket of comfort because I could push the dysphoria into the background. Doing stuff to affirm my gender identity brings things into sharp focus, and that creates more momentary distress. It's like ripping off a band-aid.
I never presented super masculine, but I was in the boymode closet for some time (still partly am).
For me taking that leap into trying to present unambiguously feminine was something I really feared, I remember trying to cross-dress in high school and instead of feeling any kind of gender euphoria, it only heightened my sense of dysphoria.
I think that experience scarred me, even now I can't bring myself to wear anything more fem than yoga pants or bear to look myself in the mirror.
I'd rather be ignorant of how much I do or don't pass, or how I would look in a dress than confirm my worst fears.
I wonder if what you are experiencing with your beard is in a similar vein, where like...if you present masculine, or cover your face with a beard, or don't really try to present fem you can live in a state of ignorance.
dysphoria
I've honestly never presented femme. The closest to femme was My Little Pony t-shirts in my "brony" phase. I've always had this incredible sense of fear and shame when I had an exposure to femme/women's clothing. As I go through my (honestly pretty repressed) memories to think about it, I remember once that was clothes shopping as a kid with my mom and I picked out a shirt that I really liked, and felt so ashamed. I also remember talking about getting a sapphire ring, and I was told that boys didn't wear that type of jewelry. (Very right-wing, evangelical family). Thinking about this complex is part of how I reached the conclusion that I'm probably not cis. The only thing close to femme I have are these pretty androgynous deep v-neck sweaters that my sister picked out for the family for Christmas photos one year. I really like wearing them, but it's way too hot right now. Everything else I have is a collared shirt, and most of them don't even fit because I've been accumulating weight continuously over the past few years due to stress/stress eating/drinking.
Right now, I don't know how femme I want to look like (or really how femme/female my gender is, TBD). Honestly, I kinda like the idea of ultra-formal, like ruffled cuffs and collars and a cravat. I just googled it to make sure I was thinking of the right thing, and I really wish there was an open version (or alternate front-end) of Pinterest, because I think it has a strong recommendation algorithm but I hate the ads and the tracking, and I want to start putting together imageboards for potentially looks.
Recently, I have enjoyed growing out my hair, although it currently sits as a pomp. I hate it when it sits flat and wet, but I like it when it dries and poofs/curls out. I think I need to start blow-drying it and applying hairspray every day (often I don't get ready for work early enough and I'm then in a rush).
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