I've always been hesitant to try online dating because 1.) I'm a guy 2.) I look like hell 3.) the algorithm prioritizes profit.
But lately I feel like it may be easier to throw my expectations out there and cross my fingers. Seems easier than trying to speak to people in person. But then again, the human aspect sorta just disappears too and I'm now stuck in a game of numbers, and perhaps quite literally as apps line Tinder gamify their services.
Anyway, I don't have anyone I could call a close friend. Hell, I don't even have anyone to call in general lol. I'm thinking it's a bad idea to dip my toes in that crap because I have nowhere to turn when the rejections inevitably come in. Plus at least with face-to-face interactions, I can have some sort of closure (I don't really know how to articulate this part. I guess being able to read faces will give me a better chance of understanding what I did wrong vs. emotionless text on a screen).
As someone who's done this as both masc and fem with occasional success: you will be ghosted a lot. Don't take it personally. The first person you match with likely won't be the one who lasts the longest. It's like gambling on golf but 99.9% of the balls get lost in the woods. Eventually someone will make it to the putting green through attrition.
Don't try to force anything to happen and let things go gracefully, and don't get clingy (until you've seen them irl more than twice, I suppose). The failures will teach you how to read unspoken signals over time. It comes with practice, and the practice can be worth it if you interpret feedback (or lack therof) in a healthy way.
Different dating apps attract different crowds. Some only attract conservative tradpeople, some attract serial daters, some have a strangely large proportion of queer and poly people. The vibe will become pretty apparent within a few minutes of browsing. If you fail in one place you might still do better in another.
Lastly, faking confidence is extremely obvious (esp to fems) if that's what you're planning. We'll just say I've been checking out couples and there are quite a few where a guy who doesn't fit the mold of conventional attractiveness is already in a relationship. I don't think you should discredit yourself because you feel like you won't succeed. You're tripping yourself up right at the starting gate.
Just take care of yourself because it feels nice to be good to yourself, and have a basic hygiene routine. Get some pics in good light (I normally take mine near windows with indirect natural sunlight in a bright room). Find some good recent vacation, hobby, or 'outside' photos, and make sure your profile description gives off a feeling of who you are. Like you have over 3000 hexbear comments so just treat it like an OP. Take some time to make sure you're not letting temporary emotions or anxieties come out and get to the consistent core of things. A degree of honesty is better than finding out 3 months later that things weren't meant to last. People are looking for a person with good vibes more than anything. If you settle down and relax you'll have good vibes.
99.9% sounds like a brutally high failure rate though, how does one cope with the ego destroying effect of that RNG? How does one not take something like that personally? I guess if you treat it like a video game or hobby you do on the side that isnt the main focus of your life attention then sure. But how does one maintain interest in a game that is so brutal? (Assuming the "goal" is to find secks)
others will give more sensible advice, but sending you big courageous and friendly vibes comrade.
Dating apps suck, usually, for everyone who's not conventionally attractive. To tell you the truth, here is what you can expect, as someone who "looks like hell":
You'll be doing a lot of swiping without any matching. Think at atleast dozens of swipes without a match. Most of the people you match with will not be people at all, but bots. So you go through the swiping cycle again. It'll probably take you hundreds of swipes to match with some real people.
Almost always, you'll be expected to initiate convo, even on apps like Bumble which say girls have to start the convo. Most girls will literally just type hi as a formality. Most of your starts will go unreciprocated. If you get a small convo going, it'll usually peter out.
After a long time, you'll get into some convos where you exchange socials and make plans. Most will fail to materialize. If they don't and you both follow through, the date will end as just that, with maybe some false assurances of another date that never happens. It'll take several such dates with different people before you connect with someone who also likes you, and you can move forward.
For some numbers, there are screenshots out there of dudes swiping right on literally hundreds of thousands of profiles to end up with just a dozen dates. This, of course, means you gotta pay Tinder etc. because they limit how many times you can swipe a day.
On the plus side, your chances of success at almost every step in this process can be improved.
Firstly, become attractive. I'm serious. You'll never be a 9, which would inverse this process and give you the upper hand, but you can become a 7.
How? Go to the gym. Build some muscle, get in shape. You don't have to bulge out of your tees, but have some definition.
Learn how to groom yourself. What hairstyle suits you, whether you should grow a beard etc. Skin is important too. Use products, even make up if needed.
Wear good, well-fitting clothes. And take good photos.
All of these will improve your chances of matches. BTW, don't swipe right on every hot profile. The algorithm will demote you. Only swipe on people you believe you have a good shot at matching with.
Next up, have a good selection of hobbies. Outdoor activities are the best. Music is good too. Don't mention anime or gaming. Reading is fine if you also have more physical stuff. Don't be unemployed, unless you're in school.
Learn how to chat properly. This means not just typing "hi" and also not just spamming pickup lines/jokes you found online. Go through their profile, find common interests, compliment their pics etc.
If you both have good vibes, then exchange socials and set up a date. Coffee is a safe bet, as is a casual place to eat out. Better if you can do some activities together.
On the date, don't be anxious or nervous. Be confident, smile, get a good convo going. Don't make it an interview, but a convo between friends.
Eventually, you'll find someone you have a spark with and then you're gucci.
Dating is hard, not impossible. If you're not tall and/or white, you'll have a harder time than others. You will get a lot of rejection but most of it will be a silent "lack of response" rather than someone letting you down, gently or not. You'll probably also get some mean comments and come across some profiles that hurt you, depending on who you are. Learn to get a thick skin and move on.
All the best.
Edit: Don't become an incel or whatever over this, either. Most women also have it bad on dating apps, cuz they have to deal with truckloads of creepy and stalker-ish people, and always have to worry about their physical safety if the date ever takes place. They may be on the "recieving" end but what they recieve is usually shit.
I definitely feel that. For me personally dating apps did nothing but convince me that dating is terrible and that being alone is way safer
You should still work on improving yourself, even if you decide to not use dating apps.
Gym, grooming, hobbies. Do that at least.
I do do those things. Though working out is the only consistent one. But I think it was a mistake making this post because the more advice I get the less confident I become, so now I don't even care about dating anymore
It's up to you.
I think, though, that the fact you made this post proves you want to date. You want to have that connection with others. Which means stopping yourself from having that is only going to hurt you emotionally, mentally etc. IMO, the only way forward for you would be to date. I think the short-term pain of rejection would be far less than the long, drawn out, pain of loneliness.
IMO, the only way forward for you would be to date.
Unfortunately brah idk whether its good advice to tell someone that the only way to fix their lonliness and alienation is to throw themselves into the dating market on Tinder. Wouldnt friendship be a better goal to have? Its like saying a romantic relationship is the cure to ones problems, I understand why people think this but it might be a bit too "magic bullet"y yknow what i mean, mang?
For some numbers, there are screenshots out there of dudes swiping right on literally hundreds of thousands of profiles to end up with just a dozen dates.
This can't possibly be worth it. I don't know what the alternative offline is for people in our situation, but holy shit.
Don’t be unemployed, unless you’re in school.
Oops, I'm on welfare/disability and I will never be able to date :(
I'm an ugly fat loser with mental health issues that stop be from holding jobs long term with no familial money so I'm chronically poor.
I still have dated/had and have been in like a normal healthy amount of both short and long term relationships.
Biggest advice I can give is to try to stop hating yourself, because when you feel that way that's all that shows.
Oh and don't be an emotionally abusive asshole. You'd be surprised how high that ranks you.
I will caveat all this by saying, I have never tried online dating and it seems like something the literal devil invented to torture damned souls in hell.
Bars were cool, but COVID is a thing now too. So I can imagine things are much harder than last I was out there in the single pool, like a year before the pandemic, if you want to avoid getting sick lol, but I think that's the case with any interactions.
Biggest advice I can give is to try to stop hating yourself, because when you feel that way that’s all that shows.
:this:
Finding people irl is infinitely superior to online dating for the vast, vast majority of people.
Covid fucking sucks.
Finding people irl is infinitely superior to online dating for the vast, vast majority of people.
good to hear, even though I am a hermit IRL still. as far as I'm concerned this online dating shit is all a capitalist sham.
I’m an ugly fat loser with mental health issues that stop be from holding jobs long term with no familial money so I’m chronically poor.
I still have dated/had and have been in like a normal healthy amount of both short and long term relationships.
well I guess that should give me hope. I still don't know where to begin, though. How do you meet girls who don't mind that you're chronically poor / have depression/anxiety and all that?
Oh and don’t be an emotionally abusive asshole. You’d be surprised how high that ranks you.
I can guarantee that, but not any of the things most women would want, like a guy who can at least drive or has his own place.
Work on feeling comfortable with those aspects abouts yourself and improve what you can. You're generalizing the concept of "woman" way too much here and I think you're projecting your discomforts with yourself a bit onto them.
Like actual adult women don't have some check list they mark off to see if you're suitable.
Develop some interests, accept what you can't change and work on the things that you can. It's legit advice.
Where do you find these based women to date, mang?
Because all info points to stuff being pretty brutal on dating apps, and meeting ppl irl isnt easy.
You have to build yourself social circles and social networks. If you go to a local hobby event a few times in a row with a bit of confidence, and with absolutely no goal whatsoever to find someone to date (or befriend - it's really difficult but people can tell if you're desperate, so you want to be there first and foremost to genuinely enjoy the activity), you can introduce yourself pretty easily and make some acquaintances fairly quickly. From there, if you see them regularly enough, you can get to the point where they invite you along to a social gathering of some kind or you can ask if they want to grab drinks or something. Having a few solid friend groups means there are lots of people on your periphery that kind of know you well enough to trust you but not well enough that there isn't a novel spark when you get to have a conversation with them. That's where a lot of my relationships and shorter flings have come from.
Cheers brah, would you say that the relationships you built and the sex you had this way via hobby groups... how do I put it... warm? As in satisfying and you felt a genuine connection? Not to imply its unusual for that to happen. I would think the answer is affirmative because theres already the shared interest over the hobby which would imply common values and thats comfy. I would have thought that the people one meets to enjoy a hobby would be secondary to the hobby and transient but thats just my preconception.
See I think you're looking at what they're saying as
"Get a hobby and trawl for women"
When what they're saying is
"Get a hobby"
People you meet at hobby functions will be secondary to the hobby, until they aren't. Relationships can evolve in any direction over time and turn from a meaningless acquaintance to the most important person in your life. The really important thing is you can't force that process.
Cheers brah, would you say that the relationships you built and the sex you had this way via hobby groups… how do I put it… warm?
Yes. I should qualify a bit here and say that one of my extended networks of friends exists because of a religiously confused summer camp with very little money, where many of us spent the summer months, every year for years, in close-knit contact, sharing workloads, meals, living spaces, emotional ups and downs, natural settings, freedom to explore queerness, etc. I doubt you'll find a biking or DnD meetup that will come anywhere close to that level of connection, so in some ways that's a bit unfair.
On the other hand, I've met some long-time roommates and fast friends through a shitty lib activist group that I was only part of for about two months before COVID took an axe to its neck. Certain sparks need to fly for sure but putting yourself out there is the most important step. If you feel like nothing ever goes anywhere, it may help to focus on some of the details of how you engage in social interaction and build from there. I got lots of tips there too but I'm also just some random person on the internet so take everything with a grain of salt of course.
Probably don't go off of "info" that points at women being some sort of mystical and confusing "other" that have weird esoteric requirements to be around lol
Meeting people in real life is a social skill you have to develop, and there's no like dating tips and tricks that are going to see you through it
You’re generalizing the concept of “woman” way too much here and I think you’re projecting your discomforts with yourself a bit onto them.
Like actual adult women don’t have some check list they mark off to see if you’re suitable.
It is very likely that they will care about the things I mentioned, though, isn't it?
Yeah you're not listening to the rest of what I said and between you and the other person this is feeling a bit incelly.
Specifically where I mentioned normal adult women don't have some big check list they're going over
I'm getting out of the Convo, best of luck with whatever you got going on.
I remember one of my FB friends in a different city posting a couple years back that she was "accepting boyfriend applications" or even leads. Her qualifications were something like "must have a reasonable level of independence, must have a baseline of human decency, must be either employed or doing something to better the world", and that was it.
People in the comments were saying "good luck but don't get your hopes up".
Those people are almost always just swiping on everyone and only looking for hookups (and aren’t hot enough to pull it off). The situation is not that bad otherwise.
But yeah, if you’re on welfare/disability, or are short, or are not white (etc etc etc) you’ll have a harder time than people who are not.
This can’t possibly be worth it. I don’t know what the alternative offline is for people in our situation, but holy shit.
If you play it like a game, you'll find the house always wins. But since it's a game involving real human emotions, there's going to be variability they can't account for. The key is to find that tiny sliver of authenticity in the capitalist muck.
Yeah, dating apps are literally only useful for two things.
Hookups, if you’re hot. In which case you use the apps as much as you want.
Or, finding the first good person you connect with and then deleting the app.
Hookups, if you’re hot. In which case you use the apps as much as you want.
Brutal
Reading this makes me realize that if I actually had tried dating before I got to the point I'm at now with my mental health, this sort of shit could have genuinely pushed me over the edge. I can't imagine putting myself out there and being explicitly rejected thousands of times and not wanting to kill myself a few years back
:meow-hug:
It’s just the way it is for most of us. While the incel, redpill, mgtow crowds are pathetic losers, they only exist as a result of the alienation people face under this neoliberal hellhole.
You could shut yourself in and slowly start hating yourself and everyone else, or you could look at the situation and decide to move forward anyways.
You could shut yourself in and slowly start hating yourself and everyone else, or you could look at the situation and decide to move forward anyways.
I will move forwards by NEETing off of government buxx, brah :bean:
Pre covid, my philosophy was very much "have IRL hobbies". Events, groups and meetups are/were good ways to meet people, and develop social groups that are honestly better than a date. In my city, there's a few social meetups that are kinda infamous as nearly everyone is looking for a partner.
I guess with covid, you can stick to outdoor stuff. I'm legitimately sorry for younger comrades now.
And as everyone is saying, Tinder is fucking terrible and I'd avoid it.
Ya I'm a bit ugly. I have an OK personality and I do ok with stuff that isn't overly focused on beauty. I also suck at pubs and clubs too :shrug-outta-hecks:
What IRL hobbies do you think are good? I don't have any since I can't bring myself to go to an event where I don't know anyone
FNB, hiking, city walking, badminton, vegan food groups. I don't do the last two much with covid now. Socialist book clubs are cool too.
Some people do coffee, museum, or film events, but that's not really my thing.
try it, worst that can happen is nothing!
but seriously, my current gf and i met on bumble and were 10 months strong! i was using tinder for a couple months and switched to bumble, where i got less matches but got better results from those matches.
try to be confident and let ur personality show! you deserve happiness! good luck comrade!
Agree. It's tempting to do online dating because there's a more well-worn path to that than to making friends, but making friends is better long term. Or at least it would be for me. I empathize with how hard it is. Some dating apps like bumble have a friend making function
Not that this should be a deciding factor but some people are wary of dating someone who doesn't have an independent support system, for the reason the above poster mentioned. Good luck comrade
I met my current partner of over 7 years on a dating website.
I have a somewhat unkempt beard, I mentioned videogames and smoking weed in my profile. I sent a 3 paragraph essay to basically every person I was interested in going over their profile like it was a book report and talking about similarities and differences.
We were both fed up with dating and it just clicked.
It's all a gamble, not sure following specific advice increases your chances of finding a meaningful connection. Be yourself and be honest with yourself and potential dates about what you are looking for.
I love to be the bad guy so I'm going to ask a mean question in an assholeish way:
If you don't have anything to offer in the way of friendship, what makes you think you have something to offer to a lover?
You need to make friends. Dating is a game of social interactions on hard mode. Friends are social interactions on easy mode. When you get better at making friends, dating will become a lot easier.
Surely you know people. What's your strategy for turning acquaintances into friends?
Surely you know people. What’s your strategy for turning acquaintances into friends?
If we talk regularly outside of school, I'd consider us friends. But other than that, there is no strategy
Looking at your post about friends and contacts it sounds like you are doing things right. You might consider making plans to go places or events and invite those contacts to come. Can you make yourself sound excited about events happening in your town?
I was going to genuinely ask a similar question, what is the purpose of finding a date if one does not have friends, muh nakama if yknow what I mean? Because isnt being part of a group that supports each other more important?
However why do you make friendship sound cheap in a way? Sounds kinda cringe but arent friends special? Like you can have acquaintances who you work well with and get along generally with, but Id assume (from experience) that making genuine friends is much harder than just talking to your normie acquaintances more. There also needs to be a somewhat common humanity too no?
*Also youre adding causality where there is none. Just because someone is friendless doesnt mean that they had nothing to offer in the friend market.
Do you have social outlets where you can mix and work on conversational skills? For me, this is a weak point, and having a means of practice can be very helpful.
Mostly just work. Though it depends on the day because sometimes I’m stuck with people who don’t want to talk while other days it’s more lively. There are a few people who seem like they only talk to a few people, and I’m one of them, so I do feel a little bit special if they think I’m interesting enough to be the few lol
