I'm not sure if I want to open myself up about "this". It's not because I feel vulnerable, but because some people might think less of me for it. In a way, it's showing someone a massive weak spot that could be used against me. So, while I'm writing this, it seems obvious to me that it is foolish. Yet still, I have a lingering urge to share some of these feelings.
Truthfully, I have never shared this with anyone. Not even in a therapy setting have I felt comfortable enough to do so. I did nothing illegal, so don't worry. Its also nothing sex related.
Hypothetical. Imagine I killed someone in self-defense. Even if people might be sympathetic, they would view me differently after I told them that. It would change my relationship with them. This is just an example for something that has the potential to greatly change the dynamic between people.
I DIDNT KILL SOMEONE.
Any input would be appreciated.
EDIT OK. I talked with someone about it. Feel a bit better. Probably wont disclose it on Hexbear but thanks for all the input.
I did nothing illegal ... Its also nothing sex related.
I DIDNT KILL SOMEONE.
This is a really weird way to come out as one-eighth Dutch on your mother's side.
Correct me if I'm wrong, because your post is a bit vague, but what I understand is that you did something that you're ashamed of and are afraid to share with others
It's hard to say without knowing the specifics, but keeping secrets like that from people who you are otherwise close with can rob you of your sense of intimacy. You end up questioning your relationships because you tell yourself, "Well sure they like me, but that's only because I've hidden my true self. Actually they don't know me at all."
This is a common consequence for people who are in the closet about their gender or sexuality.
Idk. I know people who've killed people. It happens. Yeah, it sorta changes how you look at someone but it happens.
You gotta make your own judgements, but sometimes that line about "if the truth can destroy a thing let it be destroyed" applies to friendships with people who are friends with an image of you and not the person.
On the other hand, some secrets are best taken to the grave.
I guess it'd depend one what you want to achiebe. oD you think sharing whatever happened would take some weight off of your shoulders? Would you feel more comfortable if people who were your friends knew about this thing that obviously was an important, likely upsetting part of your life?
I didn't mean to say I killed someone. I meant to say there is something that could impact my relationship with people. Like if I were the great-grandchild of Heinrich Himmler. I'm NOT, but you get my point.
Yes, I would feel more at peace if I didn't have to keep something a secret my whole life. I just fear people will judge me for it—something that I have basically no control over, by the way.
think it's easier to just say it than to do the gymnastics to find the right analogy here. it's hard to give advice without the real context.
I might make a follow up post or I wont but I gotta think about how/what to say.
The right play would probably have been to make an anonymous throwaway account and just asked directly
Hope it worked out for you though :)
I didn't think of that, but now it would be very obvious... I shared it with one person and it went well. After pondering about it, there would be little gained from sharing it on Hexbear. I do want to share it with people that I care about, though. I don't like keeping secrets.
Just because you don't let everyone know something doesn't mean you're actively keeping secrets and should feel bad.
I took a huge shit today and me not telling everyone that isn't because I'm keeping secrets or hiding it, it just isnt for everyone who isn't reading this comment to know
I meant keeping secrets that are relevant and in regards to people close to me. I want people that I like to truly know me. That includes secrets that might not be selling points.
I mean that's legit. Trust is fragile and precious, the uncertainty of not knowing how people whose opinions you value will react is a very reasonable thing to be concerned about.
I work with a man who spent a few years in the hoosegow for a bar fight turned manslaughter.
One of the guys at the supply house I buy everything at was convinced of murder and methamphetamine trafficking. He spent 6 years in the pen before he got some sort of deal to get out. I assume it involved informing on his buddies.
My relationship with the latter is much more casual, so it’s a bit superficial. My relationship with my coworker is pretty strong. He’s a good guy who got into a bad way. I pick him up for work some weeks, he picks me up some weeks. We’ve talked about it at some length. I honestly don’t think my relationship would be “better” or different were he not convicted by the state of Texas of murder. Bad things happen to good folks every single day. He cannot hold a license to plumb any longer due to his conviction but he held a masters for 15 years before he spent 10 in prison. I’d trust him around my kids, my home, the few possessions I have. I trust him around me.
I’m not sure what my point is really. I guess just pointing out that not everyone will judge you for your past transgressions. Some likely will, and those people probably aren’t worth pursuing friendship with. But not everyone will.
Damn, I iddn't realize you were barred from the trades for felonys.
But yeah, I take your point, people grow, they change. Many people aren't who they were five or ten or fifteen years ago.
If it is something requiring state licensure, they sure can. Plumbing, nursing, pharmacy, dental, funeral service, geosciences, optometry and behavioral health is all under the purview of whom issues my license. There are more, but at the very least if you fall under on of those job descriptions you can potentially be denied a license in Texas. I’m unsure about other states but I would assume similar.
My coworker is attempting to get back into it, but it’s been a struggle. You have to have letters of recommendation from your current employer, a former employer, and a coworker. Assuming you get that far, you still have to go before the plumbing board, and plead your case. Then if everyone approved, you can start over again. If he did get his ability to become licensed back, he would start out as a greenhorn; an apprentice with zero hours on the job experience. Means at that point it’s 2 years for tradesman, 4 years for journeyman, 8 for master’s licensure. He is a third generation plumber. He’s been at it longer than I’ve been alive just about. That’s gotta be a killer to someone like that.
Jesus. All I can say is America really does everything it possibly can to destroy people and keep them destroyed.
Ridiculous, how does killing a guy negatively effect your ability to do plumbing?
I talked with someone about it. Feel a bit better. Probably wont disclose it on Hexbear but thanks for all the input. Also im not ashamed of it. Its just a part of what I am.
Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would say
"Would you kill me if I said I did etc." or something to that matter
And prepare to get judged to high heaven...
If its something actively causing problems, you're gonna have to share exactly what it is. If it's something from your past that is haunting you, let it stay in the past and prove that you've grown from it.
Hmmm...
Well, you should consider what quantitative change is happening because of you not sharing whatever this is that's bothering you, and what qualitative leap will eventually happen if you don't share it ever. And you should just as well think about what could actually possibly tangibly come of you sharing this secret: people might see you differently, sure, but I've shat myself out afront plenty of people even on Hexbear, so showing your bad side to someone is just going to sort of happen no matter what... So I guess "people will see me differently" is just not a very tangible or meaningful effect on its own, and "change the interpersonal dynamic" is really too vague to be meaningful.
I cannot answer these questions for you — I don't think every secret is worth sharing with others — but I can if nothing else recommend journaling first, or alternatively creating a fictional character based on whatever it is about yourself that you find shameful.
therapy/close friends/family is for shit like this
therapist can't exactly disclose it.
But you can try writing it out in a notebook with your fears and scenarios how it would work out, and then read it a month later, to see if you see it as some nonsense or persistent feeling
Honestly, even telling some people you're queer would greatly impact the relationship dynamic. If you feel like you want to let the people in your life know, go for it, you can't control or predict how people will react so that shouldn't be a factor if it's stopping you from living in your truth.
For myself, I've been working on gaining understanding before passing judgements so unless it's a distant acquaintance, there's nothing my friends can tell me that would make me want to abandon them. Now, that doesn't mean I won't grill them to death if it was super egregious.
If it's not illegal, the safest way to test the waters is to tell your therapist, since they wouldn't/couldn't disclose it. Or find a related support group for whatever you're ashamed of. You'd be surprised how granular such groups get.
The analogy of having a prominent nazi as a grandparent on its own wouldn't turn me against a person, though. But I'd tell that person to critically assess the way they were raised to excise any generational brain worms.
This is just begging for a guessing game. If not the thing itself, the question you posted here is a good thing to present to your therapist. Maybe it will help you tell them the thing itself, or at least make progress in this genre of issue.
idk i find stuff that you're ashamed of is sometimes better out than in. people can get over stuff. maybe it will take some time but if you hold it in forever it'll just drive you crazy.
