Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
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now that I have my job and moved to an apartment the procedural barriers to actually doing something about my gender have all but eroded. Theoretically I could go to an informed consent place and get an HRT prescription. It's just really scary to consider doing that
I've found myself really consumed with doubt when I think about it, which has been less so now that I'm working full time and have less time to idly contemplate my identity. Truth be told, living as a guy feels... fine right now. Not great, but not the worst thing in the world? Shouldn't that not be the case?
I'm scared that I've been deluding myself for almost two years now. Cis people supposedly almost never think about their gender, it's said, but I'm unusual in a lot of other ways. What if I'm the odd cis person that does think about their gender? What if I'm tricking myself just so I get to feel "special" and not like a lame guy? Or what if these OCD symptoms I've been discovering with my therapist are behind all this, and it's just something I latched onto as an obsession that doesn't really mean anything about my identity after all?
I'm thinking about just going for DIY HRT so I don't have to show my face at a clinic if I turn out not to like it. That's giving me some hope, the idea that if a cis person takes the wrong hormones they feel like garbage. That way I know for sure, right?
Thinking about this gives so much anxiety, but I know that if it is something I want then every second spent waffling is another second wasted. My habitual over-analysis goes in circles. Makes me wish I just didn't have to exist so I didn't have to figure this out. I see my therapist tomorrow so I hope she has good advice for me
I really recommend "living" a bit with a different gender presentation, in whatever form that feels good to you. I also am someone who over analyzes my own thoughts and gender, but doing things as simple as, trying on femm clothes I liked and just going for a walk and doing some errands, experimenting with a femm voice in online voice chats was all it took for me to instantly realize I never wanted to stop ever again. The only real way to know if you are going to want to live the rest of your life with a different gender presentation is to try it out. No matter how scary that prospect may seem, the alternative is much scarier, don't let fear stop you from being happy. <3 you got this
To be quite honest I would explode if I tried this. I'd just be a guy dressing up in girl's clothing which really, really freaks me out. I don't really view myself as a girl trapped in a guy's body, but instead a guy who would prefer to be a girl ya know?
I also don't think I would dress too too differently from how I do now, just a slight splash of femininity I guess
I do like the idea of putting some clear coat on my nails as I've heard suggested, it would help me keep from biting my nails too
Why does the concept of wearing feminine clothes outside freak you out? Is it a concern for what others will think of you, or a genuine desire to not want to dress in that way. Also, when you say "I view myself as a guy who would prefer to be a girl" what do you mean by that? And what is your motivation behind potentially starting HRT?
Really the issue is that I'd feel like I'm just very obviously pretending. It's like when I came out(ish) to my sister and she did my makeup. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see a girl, not even a clocky girl, I just saw a guy in makeup. Seeing that felt horrible. I don't want to be stuck in some in-between of trying to be a girl and failing. If I thought I didn't have a chance of passing at all I'd probably just resign myself to living as a guy. Thankfully I have some points in my corner (I look a lot like my sister and I consider her quite feminine and pretty) so I think it's possible with a little hormonal assist. I know passing isn't what makes a person's gender but it feels important to me. I constantly scrutinize and analyze myself and my appearance.
I mean, I was born as a male (from my perspective, I know "biological sex" is more complicated than that), was raised as a boy, identified as a boy for most of my life. When I started question my gender the thought wasn't "I'm actually a girl," it was "I wish I were a girl". My pronouns on this site are more aspirational.
The hope with HRT is to make me feel better and by proxy confirm that I'm not making this all up. Because if I feel great, then it's meant to be, right? And if I feel awful it means it's not right for me. And if I feel so-so I can stay on it to see what happens. If I do stay on it I would just boymode for a while until I feel confident enough not to.
If you feel like you are pretending and generally bad when you present more femm, do you think will taking HRT change that? And if you dont think you want to present femm at all, what are you expectations for HRT? More specifically, how do you expect HRT to change your body and do you think it will change your self preception?
I mean I think it would make me more womanly physically right? Fat distribution changes, breast growth, thinner body hair, halting hair loss, etc.
As that happens I'd feel more comfortable calling myself a girl because it feels more immediately accurate. I think I'd probably like to dress more fem sometimes when I get there
To put it another way: I don't really want to dress like a girl unless I have a girl's body
It's like this meme
Sure, technically all I need to identify as a girl is to earnestly feel that way, but I can't feel that way until I see myself that way.
I enjoy dressing fem and don’t have reasonable fears of transphobes or much dysphoria, and wearing certain fem clothes still freaks me out. Despite not really caring what people think, being perceived is scary and I’m generally anxious. It’s an irrational anxiety that goes away with exposure.
Happy cake day!
Also if you do want unsolicited advice, boymoding on hrt is totally fine and will help you. The informed consent clinic do not care what you look like, and will not care if you stop E later. They literally deal with sad masculine presenting trans women every day, you're not special.
Meeting more IRL trans friends is extremely helpful, and it's what got me to finally end the boymode. Once you make a few, they all introduce you to each other, and you'll end up with many.
Also, passing is immensely subjective and impossible to achieve without the clocky girlmode phase.
Unsolicited advice is very poggers. Apparently planned parenthood has virtual sessions I could book so that's even less of a barrier
Hi, so I really wanted to respond to this because it kind of reminded me of myself. I wrote a bunch of stuff trying to like rationally argue with you that "I feel ok living as a guy I guess as long as I stay busy" isn't a good reason to keep things the way they are. But I think I was actually just yelling at my last self and not communicating well. So maybe I can explain why I feel angry with my past self?
I think I figured out I was trans when I was 18 and went to college and met other trans women for the first time. But honestly I was completely terrified and buried the feelings for years. I was basically a mess since around the age of 14, but managed to do ok for a bit with a combination of antidepressants and therapy and staying busy. I'm not completely sure about this because honestly I'm wasn't forming normal memories at this time and it's hard to figure out what was actually going on in my head.
At some point, I basically gave up on ever finishing school. At the same time, I started seriously considering transitioning. I spent the next 2 years or so living in a shitty basement apartment and getting stoned all the time. I would occasionally cross dress or something, but actually starting hrt was way too scary. I wasn't out to anyone irl. I literally cannot remember what I did at this time. I might have played some video games? Years passed, and I got desperate enough that started hrt via an online informed consent clinic. I had one video call with a bored nurse who talked for 20 minutes, it was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I took a selfie that day. I look like a horrendously depressed and unmistakably male stoner who lives in a basement and doesn't take care of himself.
Anyway like 3 years later I have a college degree and a cool job in a nice city. I have a growing group of cool queer friends and we really care about each other. I go on dates now lol. I've grown massively as a person, and honestly if I met myself I would think that I'm awesome. I have actual dreams and goals that I chose for myself, instead of just ambiently absorbing what other people said I should want like I did when I was younger. I don't really pass, but its pretty liberal here and people are chill, and I look pretty cute sometimes.
But like I'm scared that I'm still the kind of same man who was stuck in the basement unable to make an appointment at the LGBT clinic 5 miles from his house. For one thing I've really been putting off surgery consultations. My friend just got her orchi done and I'm happy for her but it honestly hurts because if I had my shit together I could have done that too by now. I would like ffs someday, but will I be able to do that? Idk I'm still sabotaging myself because it's so easy to just get stuck kind of living, and also because I am clearly terrified of change.
But also it's not all bad. Like I really did transition eventually. My transition was the hardest thing I've ever done but also the only thing I've ever done that was purely for myself to make myself happy. No one (except a few very real trans girls who would probably not be popular around here judging by the Serano cancellation) will ever tell you that you need to transition. Many will discourage uou. But I did it anyway and now my life is infinitely better and more interesting.
If it helps this could have been quoted from my journal like a year ago. Its hard, try to let yourself be guided by what feels right, I had a very hard time listening to myself, trusting myself, and even knowing how I felt. Its hard to parse genuine anxiety about things you don't want to do, and the anxiety about what other people will think or say to you if you do them.
Maybe it’s the dissociation, but when my OCD moved on from gender I realized I don’t care that much, but Im definitely not cis (long knowing the binary is bs was helpful), and trying hrt would probably be a worthwhile experience whether I like it or not (and you can’t really know until you do).