Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
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lonely, yearning, confusion, sex
Feeling very frustrated by my sexuality right now. On the one hand, i need to have trust and a close emotional connection to someone in order to even experience sexual attraction to them in the first place. On the other hand, part of me is screaming for the strap.
Idk, im just tired and really aroused and lonely i guess. I dont want a dildo, i want a person to hold and be held by; i want to be partnered with someone(s), and have some kind of loving relationship(s), and have meaningful emotional connection and physical touch. But im also somehow both too much and too little for anyone, and need to fix myself before any of that can happen without it all ending in tears.
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I can really relate to this part:
I never really did "fix" myself (and maybe one could argue that there's nothing wrong with you or I?), but I was able to find well ... a couple of people who so far accept me as I am, even though I can be simultaneously overwhelming, needy, and also oblivious and distant.
I wish I knew what to say other than I hope things get better for you.
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Idk, like, i have friends, and they accept me (i dont exactly tell them everything in my head tho lol). But deeper intimate relationships are hard for me. Idk even what to say about why, theres so many reasons yk. I guess most of it can be summed up with really shitty emotional regulation and a lack of emotional object permanence.
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Ah yes I see what you mean. If I'm being honest, I generally hold back with friends too (working on this as I want to do it less, and as my therapist says, relationships build capacity for difficult and messy feelings like a muscle, through use, and i want to be quite close with a few friends tbh) but I know what you mean.
What do you mean by this, if you don't mind sharing? I can think of a few things I do that use that term - like I literally have to keep notes on people of all the nice words they say to me to remind myself with (it does help) or I ask for reassurance when I'm feeling scared. Or that I'm constantly worrying that today's the day a new relationship will end (luckily this fades over time for me).
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Yeah, i have internalized entirely the idea that everyone leaves. Everyone will leave me, and im just waiting for that to happen. I steal my own happiness because of this narrative, but i cant get out of it. I cant seem to be open and honest with my friends very often. But with strangers its no problem for some reason. Im trying tho. I want to be vulnerable but just cant, i dont want to burden them, i dont want to alienate them, i can find a million excuses.
Well, regarding emotional regulation, i just dont have good or healthy outlets for my emotions i guess. I feel really strongly or nothing at all.
Regarding my lack of emotional object permanence, its like what im feeling at any point is what i have always felt and what i always will feel. It gets difficult cause, well, for example Im afraid that I love bomb people unintentionally because when im in love with someone i feel like i always have and always will, and I lose myself. Or like, when i am in a rough space, i always have been there and always will. I cant remember what its like to feel other things.
Theres more i could say, idk if its interesting or worthwhile..
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Yep!! I know this too, that's why I started posting here! Too many words, I was drowning in them. It was kinda low-stakes since I didn't have strong attachments to anyone.
I think it got easier with time for me and I had to kinda start small. The inciting incident, if you will, was that a long-time friend of mine made a joke that hurt my feelings a number of months ago. And I was upset about it for like a month. And I couldn't tell her, other than not laughing at the joke, how I felt. Telling her about it would have been a big messy thing, but I've since been working on opening up to her about positive emotions (because those are easier to communicate) first and it's been going pretty well. But it was nerve-wracking to let the mask slip, luckily she's been very kind the entire time
. I have to believe that it can go well, I can't stay like I was.
I've also had some things not go well, despite me trying my best.
Ah, yeah I am some form of ND (probably AuDHD, started reading about it a few months ago) and so I have a very different emotional profile to most NT people. I can't remember (sorry) if you are ND as well. I think I've just accepted that my close friends will have to be a similar presentation of neurodivergence to me.
I have been this way. I wish I knew how to help, I try to distract myself these days when it happens.
Up to you if you want to share, I will do my best to listen, but I will have to bed in an hour or so and so I may only respond tomorrow depending on timing.
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For me it ends up in this place where i feel like i need to leave first to keep from getting hurt. Even when I logically know thats not true, the impulse to do so can be overwhelming.
Im glad you started
Even here i get that same impulse to leave, people here know me a little bit (some know me a lot) and it scares the shit out of me. Im staying tho! I dont want to lose this space, and its good for me to try and stick around somewhere. I tend to leave places after a year, and im trying to stop that cycle in my life.
Im happy this is working for you ^^ Its scary. I have gotten to that point with some roommates, but its a lot harder with people im actually wanting to be close to.
Its unknown but likely. Adhd, autism, bipolar, bpd, these all have a bunch of overlapping symptoms/traits/whatever. Probably some kind of adhd or audhd going on in my head.
I dont really have anyone like that around me? Im in a weird position of having been raised by mental healthcare professionals (srsly, my whole family is some form of therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc.) so i have a pretty good grasp of psychodynamics without having any real education on it. So when I go to share i often start talking about processes, and using language and words in ways that they dont understand or misunderstand, and i just end up feeling misunderstood because my language doesnt match theirs. Im great at hearing and understanding my friends tho lol.
Idk what else to say really
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I can super relate here, I think I finally figured it out though: that actual pain of being hurt like super sucks, so it uh seems kinda natural...
Wow, I uh apparently really needed to hear that today, thank you :) I appreciate it. And yeah I feel the same way about this space. I refuse to give up on it. I was talking this morning to partner about how restrictive my "close friend" preferences are, haha, and well where else are the leftist transpeople?
It's funny that you say a year, for some reason this is my benchmark too. Few things have lasted longer than a year for me ... only one job, one romantic relationship, one friend (happens to be an ex), a tiny handful of acquaintances (and all in the past few years)... I'm glad you're fighting. We may not have a perfect success rate, but the only way to really find people we can connect with is to keep trying. It's what I tell myself.
Yeah, like the more you like someone the more difficult it is to open up about the real mess inside. I can relate to that for sure.
Yeah, they do have a lot of overlapping, it's true. I had my therapist suggest I look into autism after the first appointment lol and then I read several books, did every assessment online, watched a bunch of youtube videos from autistic creators explaining their lives, I got a little super into the reading
. Talking to actually autistic people online though really sealed it for me, there are a couple people bouncing around here that are definitely me fr fr.
Wow, this sounds actually kind of interesting. I wanted to go into psyc in college but uh well a lot happened in college ... had trouble with studying ... ended up stuck in comp sci...
I don't have formal training either but I am super curious as to what one of these posts would look like if you don't mind sharing :3
And I meant "theoretical close friends" since well even my closest new connection I've only known a couple months, so a bit too early to tell if it'll last (hoping, though...)