K (189?–?) Soviet pioneer. From Kazan, Tartarstan, USSR, K was diagnosed as a ‘transvestite’ in 1937.

She was given permission by the People’s Court to wear female clothing, her identity papers were changed to her female name, and her name was removed from the military recruitment rolls.

She was featured in a 1957 gynaecology textbook.

M.G. Serdiukov. Sudebnaia ginekologiia I sudebnoi akusherstvo. Moscow: Meditsina 1957: 47-8.
Dan Healey. Homosexual Desire in Revolutionary Russia: The Regulation of Sexual and Gender Dissent. Chicago and London: The University of Chicago Press, 2001: fig 24.

source

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  • LocalOaf [they/them, ze/hir]
    ·
    2 months ago
    sadposting, mental illness

    I'm practically a hikikomori and fell out of touch with IRL friends like 4+ years ago when my depression got way worse than usual and I was a shitty friend and ghosted everyone trans-specter

    I thought I'd "work on myself" and get to a point in my transition during covid where I could return to being social as practically a new happier person, but I lost my insurance and got covid and spent up until around when I made this account and quit being a lurker just being severely depressed and borderline catatonic at the lowest points

    I'm doing better now but I feel like I've kinda ruined my life and the trajectory I was on early 2020 and can't stop beating myself up and lamenting over wasted time and a huge pause in my transition and I only got older and uglier and balder and fatter since then and I feel like I'm just kinda fucked

    I'd love to reconnect with people and have irl friends and do fun stuff but I don't want to go through a whole "hey so I know I look like (gestures at grotesque self) this, but I'm actually kind of a chick and a weird enby person" making new friends and I'm terrified that all my old friends will hate me for ghosting them and seeing me again hurting and disappointed in myself and looking like shit will just bum them out

    Idk sorry, I feel really stuck and like I've really screwed myself for having an irl social life, and I'm easily overstimulated and agoraphobic and get sensory overload just grocery shopping sometimes

    aubrey-pain

    • lilypad [she/her, null/void]
      ·
      2 months ago
      spoiler

      Firstly, hugs cuddle

      Im sorry, that sounds really rough.

      easily overstimulated and agoraphobic and get sensory overload just grocery shopping sometimes

      I know this way too well. I cant go shopping without a friend with me, and even then its gotta be 10 items or less yea

      Fwiw, if your friends were worth their salt as friends, they would be happy to hear from you, saying hi and apologizing for ghosting and reaching out to maybe spend some time together.

      hey so I know I look like (gestures at grotesque self) this, but I'm actually kind of a chick and a weird enby person

      Honestly (warning opinion incoming), dont take the apologetic approach with this stuff imo. Its better to assert yourself (as hard as that can be).

      Idk sorry, I feel really stuck and like I've really screwed myself for having an irl social life

      Theres no need to apologize meow-hug theres always today to reach out to people, and its never to late; take all the time you need, but youre not screwed out of anything. Yeah its hard (oh god is it hard) but its worth it to have irl support and friendship.

      I hope my rambling was alright, im a bit out of it rn.

      • LocalOaf [they/them, ze/hir]
        ·
        2 months ago
        spoiler

        You're all good, I appreciate itmeow-hug

        My closest friend sent me a letter awhile into my bad brain exile and I think she'd be able to forgive me but reaching out and knowing what to say feels incredibly daunting

        I've been mulling over sending her a package with a gift and a huge apologetic letter but every time I start thinking about what to write I get overwhelmed and start crying

        • lilypad [she/her, null/void]
          ·
          2 months ago
          spoiler

          Its really hard to reach out, especially when you feel responsible for hurting someone by pulling away, or really any feelings stemming from "i am bad/did bad thing" though processes.

          I think you should reach out to her! She maybe was worried about you. But be prepared to selfcrit and eat crow yk? Being up front honest and vulnerable with people is so hard. I find success in vocalizing my shit feelings like "hey, im pretty anxious right now so im going to hang back for a minute" or "hey this venue is really overwhelming for me, so im gonna step outside where its less so".

          hopefully this isnt insulting or pretentious, but if you want some help writing that letter...

          Heya name,

          I know we havent spoken in a long time, and I wanted to reach out and apologize for pulling away like I did. I was in a really bad space and wasnt treating myself or others with the respect and care i should have. I really enjoyed our friendship, and if youd like to get together and grab a cup of coffee i would love to catch up. I hope youre doing well, and that life is treating you with care.

          Love and hugs, (or sincerely, or whatever sign off youd prefer)
          LocalOaf

          If you want to, you could maybe include a short bit about wanting to own your shit, be a good friend, and show up in your social relationships in a way that you didnt back when you were pulling away and self-isolating.

          • LocalOaf [they/them, ze/hir]
            ·
            2 months ago
            spoiler

            That's not insulting or pretentious at all, thank you

            I'm gonna make myself write something tomorrow. I already have a gift figured out that I think she'll like and have a container to ship it in that she gave me years ago.

    • naom3 [she/her]
      ·
      2 months ago
      spoiler

      shrug-outta-hecks I put off transitioning for 10+ years. Some of that was things beyond my control, some of it was me being too scared/depressed to do anything, and some of it was thinking that things were in the way when they really weren’t. I don’t know how much can be attributed to each of those or what the difference is, but I spent every one of those years where I wasn’t too dissociated to care blaming myself for not transitioning sooner and I still do it sometimes. I don’t really have an answer on how to deal with those feelings except to say that at a certain point you have to just pick up the pieces and keep moving. I’ll never get those years back, or the childhood I could have had if things were different, but I’m here now and I get to become myself at last

      • LocalOaf [they/them, ze/hir]
        ·
        2 months ago

        meow-hug

        spoiler

        Yeah

        I spent every one of those years where I wasn’t too dissociated to care blaming myself for not transitioning sooner and I still do it sometimes. I don’t really have an answer on how to deal with those feelings except to say that at a certain point you have to just pick up the pieces and keep moving. I’ll never get those years back, or the childhood I could have had if things were different, but I’m here now and I get to become myself at last

        Yeah, I'm trying to do my best on the "just pick up the pieces and keep moving" part. I guess a part that's really helped me recently is really getting a feeling for how incompetent a lot of people that "have their shit together" are, they're sometimes even more clueless than I am navigating life.

        Feeling like "successful" people that I've negatively compared myself against before are also dipshits has made me a lot less worried about being perceived as a weirdo? Like I already didn't really give a shit about what transphobes thought of me outside of my physical safety, but just doing more shit for myself and getting out more has made me feel a lot better about just going for shit and worrying less about fucking it up or looking like a dipshit, and that kinda extends to gender expression and transition for me.